The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge

An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback hotel on their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."

rolliepoley

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

rolliepoley

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Mr Tibbs

A bloke was on a date with a woman and he asked her how did she like sex.
Infrequently she said and he asked her is that one word or two.

rolliepoley

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody
Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done
and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody
could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry
about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody
blamed Somebody when actually Nobody accused Anybody.

El Chucko

Dear Deidre,

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was w@nking, I turned to notice my wife
just standing there, arms folded...watching me.

Is she a pervert?

rolliepoley

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that ****in' fly never knew what hit it ...

rolliepoley

The Teacher was asking the kids to explain different punctuation-marks.

When she got to Johnny (knowing better) she asked him, "What's the most important puntuation-mark?"

Surprisingly, she got what she figured was the correct answer: "A period, Teacher."

Smiling, for once having a decent answer from her most troublesome student, she made the mistake of asking, "And WHY do you think a period is the most important one?"

Johnny shrugged. "Beats me!" he replied. "But it must be awful important; because when Big Sis said she missed one, Mom had hysterics, Dad fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

gramar

What does Pinocchios girlfried say when he goes down on her?
Lie to me Pinocchio. Lie to me...!

fred funk }{

Who was the first carpenter in the Bible?

Eve......she made Adam's tool stand.

TheChevron

Did you hear about the sleep walking nun.



She was a roaming catholic.

Hootanany

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Hootanany

A chap rings 999..

999"Hello what's the emergency?"

"I'm outside a pub and two girls are fighting over me."

999"..and what do you expect us to do about that sir."

"Get down here quick, it looks like the ugly one is winning."

rolliepoley

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem.

However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

"What do you want?" asks the manager.

"Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but ... well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"

"Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: "The other miners use this."

"What?"

"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my day off ..."

"Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel."

rolliepoley

A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall. They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.

The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is met immediately by a little Chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?" "I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself. What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find another man?"

The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box, grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need."

Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that? I can get that anywhere," Hal says.

The little man's grin gets even bigger. "No, No, silly American, this Voodoo dick."

"Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal

"You watch closely," replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo dick, the door!"

And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.

After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says, "I must have it! It's perfect! How much is it?"

"Two thousand dollar," says the little man.

"Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal.

"OK, Mr., if you no want..."

"No No, OK, I'll take it," concedes Hal.

"Good," says the little man. "Will that be cash or VISA?"

"Sheesh....." says Hal.

Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal.

"Please tell me. Please please please...."

"OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box. Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops, I mean, gee what is it?"

"It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely satisfied" Hal says.

"Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa

"You'll see....you'll see...."

Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box, opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" she says.

Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or *felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, she thinks, I have to get this thing to stop.

She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it."

She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road, having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road. She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh ****. A damn cop." She pulls over slowly.

The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your licence, proof of insurance, and registration please?"

"S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.

"Have you been drinking tonight lady?"

"N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."

"Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says.

"I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out."

"A WHAT?" the cop asks again.

"A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."

The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks.

He looks at her, and says, "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"

Curly Judge

For those who haven't heard:
New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Capt'n Midnight

I was sad to hear that Status Quo guitarist Rick Parfitt has been diagnosed with A.D.D.E.A.

Busted Flat.

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Humpty Dumpty f*cked a fat whore
Humpty Dumpty f*cked her some more
All the Kings horses and all the kings men bent the bitch over and f*cked her again.

Humty Dumty was an egg, what was the person like that told you these strange stories. Was it your father or uncle. Humty never got back together again.

jamaamaj

Phoned 999.
And they never came.
999 is a joke.

hsan

Two mice inside in the hot press...which ones in the army? The one in the tank!!

EoghanIRL

jamaamaj wrote: »

Phoned 999.
And they never came.
999 is a joke.

Bad luck Brian :
Calls 999
Voicemail

jamaamaj

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Bad luck Brian :
Calls 999
Voicemail

Sorry copper,
Not tonight, Not tonight,

Skippy44

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers. The girlfriend said to me "you spoil those dogs".

rolliepoley

THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

"There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady said, "what do you mean?"

The first old lady said, "Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild--and I'm too old to squat!"

rolliepoley

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

genuine leather

Son and elderly father headin to the nursing home, son wanted father to give it a go, no pressure, see how it goes.
Father a bit anxious about it all did not really want to do it. Son said sure give it a go ill be back tmrw.
That night,the night nurse was doing her rounds and spotted the father with a big boner making a tent,ah sure, she thought, no point in wasting this, so climbed onboard........ next day, son came to visit, well da how are ye doing now,love it says the da,im staying,great place.The son, more than a bit surprised was delighted the father had taken to the home,great, ill see you in a few days.

Next day father was heading down the corridor in his blue gown headin for the showers,slipped, fell over, as he was gettin up this big janitor slipped him a m1ckey.....next day the son arrived, well da how are things going for you now? Get me the hell out of here quick says the da.....gez says the son,first day ye want to go, next day ye want to stay ye love it, whats up?

Proceeded to tell the story about the janitor... son says, well on the law of averages........ill tell you,says the da, about the law of avereges....i get a horn once a month and i fall twice a day.......

genuine leather

Son and elderly father headin to the nursing home, son wanted father to give it a go, no pressure, see how it goes.
Father a bit anxious about it all did not really want to do it. Son said sure give it a go ill be back tmrw.
That night,the night nurse was doing her rounds and spotted the father with a big boner making a tent,ah sure, she thought, no point in wasting this, so climbed onboard........ next day, son came to visit, well da how are ye doing now,love it says the da,im staying,great place.The son, more than a bit surprised was delighted the father had taken to the home,great, ill see you in a few days.

Next day father was heading down the corridor in his blue gown headin for the showers,slipped, fell over, as he was gettin up this big janitor slipped him a m1ckey.....next day the son arrived, well da how are things going for you now? Get me the hell out of here quick says the da.....gez says the son,first day ye want to go, next day ye want to stay ye love it, whats up?

Proceeded to tell the story about the janitor... son says, well on the law of averages........ill tell you,says the da, about the law of avereges....i get a horn once a month and i fall twice a day.......

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Two midgets about to start a round of mini golf:
"The first one's farily straightforward - you'll probably get away with a 6-iron..."

tayto lover

Mick is in court accused of committing a double murder. The judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A man at the back of the courtroom yells out "BASTARD!"

The room goes silent, the judge continues "You are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "YOU FCUKING BASTARD!"

The judge having had enough, looks at the man and says "Sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything else to say, say it now."

The man stands up and says "For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fcuking hammer he said he didn’t have one!"

tayto lover

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"