The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind lads squaring up to fight. I shouted My money's on the one with the knife. You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

gramar

A scumbag wins a few quid on the lotto and buys himself a new car.
One day he gets a puncture and as he's taking off the wheel a scumbag friend happens to wander along. When he sees his buddy jacking up the car he picks up a stone and launches it through the windscreen. 'Hey what the fook are ye doing' screams the fella changing the wheel. 'Relax' says his buddy…'while you're stealing the wheels I'll get the radio!'

branie

Why do blondes like Ford cars?

They can spell BMW

chrismon

Whats the difference between light and hard?


You can sleep with a light on.

cantdecide

A blonde is sitting watching the eveining news with her bf. The news headline begins; "Two Brazilian men have died in a mining accident today". At hearing this, the girl becomes quite upset and begins crying.

"That's the most awful thing I've ever heard", she sobs.

Her boyfriend, quite moved by her empathy consoles her...

"How many millions are there in a brazilian?", she asks him...

Mr Tibbs

The wife screamed at me last night "I'm all wet give it to me, give it to me now" and I said go f*ck yourself get your own umbrella

Capt'n Midnight

How do you phone the maternity ward?

Dial 8 :pac:

rolliepoley

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."

EoghanIRL

One direction has 12 letters in it .
So does gayyyyyyyyyy.
Coincidence I think not.

rolliepoley

Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?






































A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.

rolliepoley

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

Mr Tibbs

A waitress in a restaurant was geting wicked hassle from a smartarse playboy saying what he would like to do to her in a dark room. So she agrees to let him have his way and if he doesn't make her see lights and hear bells ring he owed her a thousand euro. No problem says yer man as he rips her knickers off and places her on a pinball machine.

Kettleson

I was walking past a mother and young child today on the beach and the kid was crying hysterically as the ballon he was holding had flown off into the clouds.

The mother was shouting at the child " If you liked it then you should have put a string on it, if you liked it then you should have put a string on it". She was even shaking her booty, but the child just wouldnt shut his gob.

True story. Not.

Capt'n Midnight

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.
"Everything alright officer?" I asked.
"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."
"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive you home."

livinsane

Kettleson wrote: »

I was walking past a mother and young child today on the beach and the kid was crying hysterically as the ballon he was holding had flown off into the clouds.

The mother was shouting at the child " If you liked it then you should have put a string on it, if you liked it then you should have put a string on it". She was even shaking her booty, but the child just wouldnt shut his gob.

True story. Not.

I have taken the liberty of re-writing this joke.

What did Beyonce say to her daughter when her balloon flew away?

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a string on it.

rolliepoley

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

tayto lover

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****e... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

tayto lover

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your arse' says the boyfriend.

rolliepoley

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

donegal_road

one of the better ones Ive heard lately.


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
... Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

bnt

A great one I heard today:

Q: When you stop riding your bike, why does it fall over?
A: Because it's two-tired, of course.

Mr Tibbs

Dd you hear about the canibal policeman.
He got done for grilling his suspects

rolliepoley

A Firm Handshake

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

branie

When does a woman like a man's company?

When he owns it

Mr Tibbs

A Muslim saw the face of Allah on a tub of margarine.
His neighbour from Tibet saw it too and said I cant believe its not Buddha.

branie

branie wrote: »

Why do blondes like Ford cars?

They can spell BMW

I mean can't

corktina

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

Lelantos

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

What does a Cork dog say?
"Woof, woof boy"

corktina

ah that's better....