The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Shanotheslayer · 26-05-2013 07:04PM

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

Put a Cork in it Tina :P

Mr Tibbs · 26-05-2013 07:07PM

corktina wrote: »

okay...this is the thread for the BEST joke you ever heard isn't it?

I always prefer somebody who can tell a joke than some joker who thinks he's smartarse

corktina · 26-05-2013 07:23PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I always prefer somebody who can tell a joke than some joker who thinks he's smartarse

I can't be a smartarse with this cork in it....

Mr Tibbs · 26-05-2013 07:36PM

corktina wrote: »

I can't be a smartarse with this cork in it....

Ah so your a joker after all, come on tell us a good one anyone I know from Cork are always witty.

corktina · 26-05-2013 09:23PM

Two scabs are blowing down the road and one ends up right in the path of a huge truck..."hmm" he thinks to himself ,"I'm a goner here!"

groovie · 26-05-2013 09:49PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIIuR-HjFho

Kettleson · 26-05-2013 09:50PM

There was this drunken prostitute who fell asleep on the steps of the synagogue.

And in the morning she awoke with a heavy Jew on her.

branie · 26-05-2013 11:07PM

A blonde walks into a bar.

You'd think she'd notice, wouldn't you?

gramar · 27-05-2013 07:21AM

A fella rings into work to say he won't be in.
'What's wrong?' asks his boss
'I'm sick' he says.
'What sort of sick?'
'I'm in bed with me sister'

--Kaiser-- · 27-05-2013 11:01AM

branie wrote: »

A blonde walks into a bar.

You'd think she'd notice, wouldn't you?

Two bats walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have heard it

Anyone · 27-05-2013 11:12AM

My girlfriend was complaining that I never do anything romantic anymore.

"That's not true" I said "In fact, I've booked a table for us tonight"

Never again though,it took 2 hours before she potted a red.

tayto lover · 27-05-2013 11:14AM

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved:
forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth.....
back and forth.....
in and out.....
in and out.....
Her heart was pounding faster,
Her face was getting flushed,
She started to grunt and groan,
Then she let out one almighty scream...
"I can’t park this f%$kin car....YOU DO IT!!!"

Capt'n Midnight · 27-05-2013 11:26AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

Mr Tibbs · 27-05-2013 03:46PM

Marry the right woman and you are complete.
Marry the wrong woman and you are finished.
But get caught with the wrong woman by the right woman you will truly be f*cked.

rolliepoley · 27-05-2013 09:47PM

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do some stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

tayto lover · 27-05-2013 10:44PM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor..
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

gramar · 28-05-2013 07:11AM

Two Guards are called to the scene of a serious accident where the driver
has lost control of the car and has been launched through the windscreen
and is lying decapitated on the road. One Guard is taking notes of the scene
and the position of the body and asks the other 'how do you spell hard shoulder,
two words or does it have a hyphen in the middle?' The other fella walks over to
the head and nudges it a few yards to the left and says ...'why don't you put ditch'

Capt'n Midnight · 28-05-2013 08:20AM

After Watching the A-Team and seeing Mr-T make a machine gun out of a clothes prop a screwdriver and a rubber band,

Roy Hodgson has decided he wants him to be assistant England manager to see what he can do with 11 spanners.

gramar · 28-05-2013 04:37PM

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Mick all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Mick, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Mick stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage him, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the £280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Mick and said, "And Mick, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Mick silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Mick, there's £3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Mick just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Mick."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten q-q-q-quid o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

genuine leather · 28-05-2013 05:53PM

Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientist fed 100 men twelve pints of beer each and observed that all the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sence,became emotional,couldnt drive,couldnt think and refused to apologise when wrong.

The Princess Bride · 28-05-2013 06:16PM

2 crabs were sunbathing on a beach.

The girl crab suggested to her boyfriend crab that he go get them both an ice cream cone.
Having bought the cones, making his way back to the beach, he decided to eat his cone.
By the time he'd finished his,he realised that his girlfriend's cone had started to melt all the way down to his claw,so he licked it up and ended up eating hers too!

When he arrived back at the beach,she asks," where's my ice cream cone?"
"Well," he said,"I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too!"

She was furious and cried," You shellfish bastard!"

The Princess Bride · 28-05-2013 06:24PM

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

FanadMan · 28-05-2013 06:29PM

gramar wrote: »

...........
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Mick."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten q-q-q-quid o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

Must have been a miracle how Mick changed to Louie :P

--Kaiser-- · 28-05-2013 06:41PM

msthe80s wrote: »

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

28-05-2013 07:09PM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

Western Russia used to be eastern Poland! :pac: :P

Mr Tibbs · 28-05-2013 07:32PM

John was an awful worrier all his life but lately his friends began to notice a big change in his attitude as he seemed real carefree no matter what he done.
So they asked him how come there is such a change and he told them that he didn't have to worry anymore as he had employed a professional worrier for 1000 euro a week.
How can you afford 1000 euro a week.
I'll be f'*cked if I know thats his problem.

rolliepoley · 28-05-2013 09:32PM

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

rolliepoley · 28-05-2013 09:38PM

Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.

Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

rolliepoley · 28-05-2013 10:12PM

Q: What is blue and doesn't fit?

A: A dead epileptic.

bmwguy · 29-05-2013 12:03AM

Scientists have discovered that drinking only 2 glasses of wine increases the chances of a woman having a stroke by up to 50%. But if you let her finish the entire bottle there is a 50% chance of her sucking it too

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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