The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Slattsy

I had a dream I was drowning in fizzy orange the other day.

It took me a while to realise it was just a fanta sea.

Mr Tibbs

A bloke is at the pictures and siting in front of him is a dog and his owner. On his way out when the show is over he approach's the dog owner and says to him how amazed he was by the dog. He sat and watched the whole picture howled at the funny bits and ducked under the seat at the creepy bits. Your dog is amazing. Yeah says the owner he is amazing he taught the book was sh*t

locum-motion

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Jesus wept this is a joke thread Professor, I got the joke the wife was butt ugly.

It's an old joke, it's been doing the rounds for years, and the whole point of it is that the pharmacist and the customer's spouses are having an affair. Without the affair, there's no joke. I'm wondering how you could 'get' it when there's no joke.

errlloyd

heinz hummer wrote: »

fella went into mountjoy jail the other day.
said he wanted do portraits of all the inmates at a good price,,

obviously a con artist...

Saw a dwarf climbing down the walls of Mountjoy the other day. He looked at me and frowned. I thought to myself "that's a little con descending"

osarusan

locum-motion wrote: »

It's an old joke, it's been doing the rounds for years, and the whole point of it is that the pharmacist and the customer's spouses are having an affair. Without the affair, there's no joke. I'm wondering how you could 'get' it when there's no joke.

Pharmacist says no....show them the picture of the wife...she's so ugly pharmacist changes their mind....laughter.

Kettleson

Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have just announced that they have been co-writing and recording songs for a new album to be released soon.

It is expected that the album will be called "Dire Rea".

Voodoomelon

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Jasus my phone is missing.

Since 2007? :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

patmac

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

What has 80 eyes, no teeth and screams a lot.









The front row at a Daniel O'Donnell concert.

What has 100 eyes and no pubic hair,
the front row of a Justin Bieber concert

Anyone

Catherine Zeta-Jones has admitted that shes bipolar, which means that half the time she is deliriously happy and the other half the time she has to suck an old guys cock.

patmac

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.
“Could ye spare some victuals?” He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”

heinz hummer

guess what???



chicken butt..

Mr Tibbs

locum-motion wrote: »

It's an old joke, it's been doing the rounds for years, and the whole point of it is that the pharmacist and the customer's spouses are having an affair. Without the affair, there's no joke. I'm wondering how you could 'get' it when there's no joke.

Yes exactly it is a joke, I have heard many interpretations of different jokes over the years and still found them funny. If you enjoy putting people down there are plenty of other threads to log on to, this one is just for laughs to cheer people up.

amacken

Did you hear about the new aftershave called breadcrumbs? all the birds love it!

rolliepoley

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

rolliepoley

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The
farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and
the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a b***h...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The
farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and
the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a b***h...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Good one, better than the funny friday ones you put up. Keep it going you are improving.

rolliepoley

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Good one, better than the funny friday ones you put up. Keep it going you are improving.

What the hell is funny friday.?
Improving on what,? no one is trying to improve on anything..


An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver. The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

What the hell is funny friday.?
Improving on what,? no one is trying to improve on anything..


An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver. The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

And you never heard of funny Friday, that would have been one of the best.

major bill

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive??

Because she was a woman

rolliepoley

Busted Flat. wrote: »

And you never heard of funny Friday, that would have been one of the best.

Nope,
but google brings up.

http://www.google.ie/#hl=en&gs_rn=12&gs_ri=psy-ab&cp=12&gs_id=4&xhr=t&q=funny+Friday&es_nrs=true&pf=p&output=search&sclient=psy-ab&oq=funny+Friday&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46471029,d.ZGU&fp=949b0b8563c5fa37&biw=1008&bih=583

Heard from a friend while waiting for the teacher to come to class.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS." "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

major bill

major bill wrote: »

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive??

Because she was a woman

If you think that she's a Bad driver, you should see her Putt!

Mr Tibbs

A bloke got a job in Dublin Zoo feeding the animals. Passing by the bird sanctuary he saw a beautiful Finch so he decided to have a closer look. He tried to catch him but in his effort he grabbed to hard and killed the bird. In panic he threw the dead Finch into the Lion cage and as he was going for his tea break he kicked over a beehive. Well all the bees swarmed around him and to defend himself he jumped around and stamped on the bees killing them all. He swept them all up and threw them all into the lion cage.
Walking by the monkey cage all the monkey's were making fun of him after seeing his antics with the bees. He lost the head went into the monkey enclosure and gave one of the monkeys a slap so hard he killed him. In an awful panic he threw the monkey into the Lion cage.
The next day a new Lion was introduced to the Lion enclosure from Africa. He made his way over to the old Lion and asked him what was it like here. Lovely says the old Lion and the new Lion asked him what was the grub like. Great says the old Lion yesterday I had Finch and Chimps with some mushy Bees.

rolliepoley

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.

"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"

"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."

"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."

Mr Tibbs

A father comes home after working in the States for a year and he sees his young son on a very expensive mountain bike.
He asks his son who bought you that bike, I bought it from the money I earn hiking dad.
How could you have earned that kind of money from hiking son. Well every Saturday night mammy's boss came to visit he gave me 30 euro to take a hike.

gramar

The voice of experience:
A bull and his son are walking through the fields when down in the valley they spot a herd of cows. 'c'mon dad' says the young bull all excited 'lets run down and shag a cow'. 'tell you what son' the auld lad says..'why don't we walk down and shag them all'.

gramar

The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes ..bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time.", the Lone Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE!"

gramar

A farmer is having trouble getting his sheep pregnant and asks another farmer for advice.'do it yourself' says his friend. 'wha?' says the first farmer..'ride dem meself?' 'aye..that's what I did and it worked..bring them up the country where no-one will see ya and ride 'em..the next day if they're out in sun they're pregnant and if they're in the shade they're not'

The next day the farmer loads the sheep into the van and heads up the hills and rides them all. The day after he looks out the window but they're in the shade. He does this for a few days but every morning the sheep are in the shade until one morning he asks his wife to look out the window 'holy mother of god she says' 'what' shouts the husband 'are they in the sun?' 'No' she says..they're jumping around in the van beeping the horn!

Duiske

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

EDIT - This seemed so much funnier last night. If Carlsberg did funny jokes, the above would be hilarious.

Mr Tibbs

A young bloke decides to go to a whore house to gain experience as he has never had sex. He tells the Madam his predicament so she calls her most experienced whore to take care of the young man. So they go to the bedroom and the whore says to him we will start with a 69. He didn't have a clue but he striped naked and followed the whore's instructions. They got into position and he got down to business on her. Just as he had his face burried in her she farted and he backed away from the stench. Well she caught his head and burried him in her again and again she let rip a stincker, he jumped away from her saying f*ck this I'm not going to do this 67 more times.