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One-Liner Jokes

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    #5702
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    *me, rearranging my spice rack alphabetically* Ok, what comes after thyme?

    Cyndi Lauper: thyme



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    #5703
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    We've just trained the family dog to go fetch a bottle of red wine from the kitchen rack.

    He's a Bordeaux Collie, if you're interested..



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    #5704
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,999 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you milk sheep ?

    Release a new iPad



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    #5705
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,057 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Sign in a pet shop:

    Live birds going cheep

    Dead birds not going cheep

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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    #5706
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The Germans have started making hotdog sausages from seagull meat.

    They've taken a tern for the wurst



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    #5707
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    No post here for over two weeks!

    That's no joke.



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    #5708
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Nandos have just employed me as a Security Guard.

    I spend most evenings just walking around the Peri-perimeter.



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    #5709
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What people don’t know is Cilla Black has a warehouse.

    It supplies supplies.



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    #5710
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Got sacked from the M & M’s Production Line for throwing away all the ‘W’s’



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    #5711
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Time flies like an arrow

    And fruit flies like a banana



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    #5712
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Glass coffins will they be popular?

    Remains to be seen.



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    #5713
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Our cat is called Boston.

    To us, he's more than a feline.



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    #5714
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My microwave has been broken more times than I've had hot dinners.



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    #5715
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Anyone want to swap some bum jokes?

    I've got piles.



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    #5716
    DopeTech
    Registered Users Posts: 6,777 ✭✭✭DopeTech


    RTÉ’s leaked autumn schedule includes a Kardashians spinoff.

    Keeping up with the Joneses



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    #5717
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I used to love Robbie Williams until I discovered Geometry…..

    Now I’m loving angles instead.



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    #5718
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,352 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    I was skiing last winter when an ornamental ice sculpture in the shape of a cow exploded in the resort town square.

    It was a bomb in a bull snowman



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    #5719
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Did you hear about the cheese who painted his wife?

    He double Gloucester.



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    #5720
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,677 ✭✭✭Worztron


    "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing. ...except when you're at a funeral.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #5721
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,148 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    What’s the difference between a window and an envelope??

    Nobody looks at you funny when you’re licking an envelope.



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    #5722
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,265 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I used to be convinced I was a French shoe but now I’m not chaussure...



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