One-Liner Jokes

Xenophile

Five ants rented an apartment and were joined by five more ants. They are now Tenants.

MonkieSocks

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off…

MonkieSocks

The poorest person in Alabama is the Tooth Fairy.

MonkieSocks

The Producers of the show "60 Minutes" have announced they aren't making their show any longer

MonkieSocks

A naked man broke into our local church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

MonkieSocks

Not many people know that footballer Danny Welbeck's father Stan was a bomb disposal expert in the army.

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I have piles and piles of ironing to do.

I don't know which is worse.

New Home

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, your car needs a mechanic.

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.......

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. The second I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Banjo Carney

I bought one from a handy man and he does little jobs around the house

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A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and sporting a shot gun.

 

 

“Open the **** trill!”

blade1

Good news for insomniacs.

Two sleeps 'til Christmas!

MonkieSocks

I've got a pair of trousers woven from spider silk.

They're great, except the flies keep getting stuck

Xenophile

What the nappy said to the baby......................................Drop it baby I've got you covered.

everlast75

Drinks were flowing all day at the charity cricket match, and in the end Bud Light stopped play.

MonkieSocks

Just finished chicken-proofing my lawn for the winter.

It’s impeccable.

Xenophile

I haven't spoken to my mother in law for 18 months............................................i don't like interrupting her.

Capt'n Midnight

You'll never forget your wedding day.

The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.

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I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.

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Just walked past my local bookie's.

 

A sign on the window said open Sunday 11-4.

 

I am having £50 on that as I know for a fact it is always open on a Sunday.

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Arrived home last night to find a pretty, young woman grouting the bathroom wall Singing 'It's a Heartache, nothin' but a Fools Game.

I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler.

 

MonkieSocks

Last Christmas I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time I opened one of the windows an oligarch fell out.

everlast75

The arrogant waiter at this hotel just fell over spilling a tray of cocktails everywhere.

Oh, how the Mai Tai have fallen.

everlast75

The most fragrant of all the popes was Pope Pourri....

MonkieSocks

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

I know he means well

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They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

 

In fact, every morning, he paid me £20 just to start his car.

 

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Just opened my washing machine and found my cat "Big Ginger" dead. At least he died in Comfort.

MonkieSocks

Just wrote a song about Tortillas. I say song, but it's more of a wrap.

el_gaucho

i know a guy who is so thick it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.