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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Five ants rented an apartment and were joined by five more ants. They are now Tenants.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

    It never really took off…

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The poorest person in Alabama is the Tooth Fairy.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Producers of the show "60 Minutes" have announced they aren't making their show any longer

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A naked man broke into our local church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Not many people know that footballer Danny Welbeck's father Stan was a bomb disposal expert in the army.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have piles and piles of ironing to do.


    I don't know which is worse.



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,282 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, your car needs a mechanic.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    .......

    Post edited by xlogo on


  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. The second I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    I bought one from a handy man and he does little jobs around the house



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


     


    A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and sporting a shot gun.


     


     


    “Open the **** trill!”



  • Registered Users Posts: 12,075 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Good news for insomniacs.

    Two sleeps 'til Christmas!



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've got a pair of trousers woven from spider silk.


    They're great, except the flies keep getting stuck

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    What the nappy said to the baby......................................Drop it baby I've got you covered.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Drinks were flowing all day at the charity cricket match, and in the end Bud Light stopped play.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just finished chicken-proofing my lawn for the winter.

    It’s impeccable.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I haven't spoken to my mother in law for 18 months............................................i don't like interrupting her.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    You'll never forget your wedding day.


    The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just walked past my local bookie's.


     


    A sign on the window said open Sunday 11-4.


     


    I am having £50 on that as I know for a fact it is always open on a Sunday.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Arrived home last night to find a pretty, young woman grouting the bathroom wall Singing 'It's a Heartache, nothin' but a Fools Game.


    I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler.


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Last Christmas I bought a Russian advent calendar.

    Every time I opened one of the windows an oligarch fell out.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The arrogant waiter at this hotel just fell over spilling a tray of cocktails everywhere.

    Oh, how the Mai Tai have fallen.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The most fragrant of all the popes was Pope Pourri....



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

    I know he means well

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but...



    but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.


     


    In fact, every morning, he paid me £20 just to start his car.


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just opened my washing machine and found my cat "Big Ginger" dead. At least he died in Comfort.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just wrote a song about Tortillas. I say song, but it's more of a wrap.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    i know a guy who is so thick it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.



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