One-Liner Jokes

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I've just been diagnosed with Gammon Flu.

 

 

I originally had Swine flu, but I went to hospital and they cured me.

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Accidentally took the cats medication, don't ask meow

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A Chinese drug addict just came up to me and asked 'Have you seen my cocaine'?

 

 

 

'Not since The Italian Job', I replied.

barneygumble99

My grandmother was 80% Irish

Her name was Iris.

Xenophile

I was infatuated and obsessed with this much younger woman so one day I decided to chat her up…………. Where have you been all my life ? She replied for the most part of it I have not been around.

 

ottolwinner

My wife asked me the other morning had I seen the dog bowl.

I told her I didn’t know he could.

Xenophile

The problem with French is that there is no word for entrepreneur.

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I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. Sadly, my doctor tells me it's terminal.

Sam Russell

Cillian Murphy has won the Oscar as the Best Actor - the pinnacle of any actors ambition and of almost any actor's career. His acceptance speech was full of humour, self-deprecation, and humility - like it meant nothing to him.

What an actor!

Victor

Ciaran Murphy?

Sam Russell

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121883227#Comment_121883227

OOOOps - Cillian Murphy of course.

Worztron

Tommy Cooper: "I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

everlast75

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

barneygumble99

I was in the supermarket earlier trying to reach a box of Kleenex from the top shelf when it fell on me.

I’m ok , just a soft tissue injury.

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Charles Dickens walks into a pub and asks for a Martini.

'Olive or twist?' asks the Barman.

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I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane....See More

barneygumble99

I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help my posture.

I stand corrected.

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My Wife told me to stop doing Flamingo impressions……..so I had to put My Foot down.

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[Walks into bookstore]

Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

 

Worker: Hard back?

 

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

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A buddy of mine phoned me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?"

 

 

I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."

everlast75

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that a female gazelle was called a madamazelle so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Johnwayne98

As I child I was regularly beaten with a camera-I still get flashbacks.

Worztron

How many palindromists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, no?

everlast75

I used to work in a shoe store until they gave me the boot

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121956623#Comment_121956623

ow, two

barneygumble99

Bought a gallon of Tippex today

Big mistake

barneygumble99

The Egyptians were great builders.
Up to a point.

barneygumble99

I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

He said ‘sure, knock yourself out’.

Ted222

What sound does James Bond’s door bell make?

Dong……..Ding Dong

barneygumble99

My dog accidentally ate a full bag of Scrabble Tiles so I rushed him to the vet....

No word yet.