One-Liner Jokes

JackKelly · 30-07-2003 11:39am #1

Well, in my opinion, one line jokes are the funniest of most jokes,so i was thinking, maybe i should try make a list. As you can never really find funny jokes on webpages, i thought that there would be more sucess on boards.ie! So anyone got any? You know the type im talking about.From ridiculos ones, to the tommy cooper type ones. I suppose i can give a few:

Stupid?
"Why'd the boy fall off his bike?
Cuz someone threw a fridge at him"
"Why did the plane crash?
Cuz the pilot was a loaf of bread"
"Why did the girl fall off the swing?
B'cuz she was dead"

(yea, they are stupid but dont say you didn't laugh)

TC
"I rang up my local swimming pool the other day and asked, "Is this the local swimming pool?" "depends where you live", he said.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Dunno if i should post the offensive ones

Raz · 30-07-2003 11:44am

Ha! Good stuff.

Lets see em...

A guy walks into a bar.
He fell back unconcious.

Sleipnir · 30-07-2003 11:47am

Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other
"you're round"

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says
"why the long face?"

This one doesn't really work unless you're actually telling it to someone but you'll get the idea!

A polar bear walks into a bar, goes to up the barman and says
"a pint of.........................................................Guinness please"
and the parman says
"why the big pause?" (paws, geddit!!??)

Sleipnir · 30-07-2003 11:54am

forgot my best one. This one drives my girlfriend crazy, she hates it and therefore I make a point of telling her the joke once a month

Where does the General keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

JackKelly · 30-07-2003 12:02pm

lol
that reminds me of this one
"who's the leader of the hankies?

the hankerchief"

dahamsta · 30-07-2003 1:27pm

I'm a procrastinator but I'll come back to that later...

adam

Imposter · 30-07-2003 1:42pm

There's a lot of one-liners about elephants!

...now if only I knew somewhere where I could find them!

JackKelly · 30-07-2003 3:00pm

but what if you don't want them about elephants?

TUTS · 30-07-2003 3:02pm

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.

Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the Knackers to the dump.

TUTS · 30-07-2003 3:05pm

Did ye hear what happened the paper shop up town?

It blew away.

Imposter · 30-07-2003 3:13pm

Originally posted by TimAy
but what if you don't want them about elephants?

Well then you call the thread something like:
Non-Elephant related One-Liner Jokes

JackKelly · 30-07-2003 3:15pm

i seeeeeee

phobos · 30-07-2003 3:16pm

What's green and sits in the corner?
--> A bold frog.

What's black & yellow, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill ya?
--> JCB

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "Jaysus how do you drive this thing?"

Two sausages in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jaysus it's auful hot in here", to which the other one replies "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

nYes

;-phobos-)

Raz · 30-07-2003 3:19pm

What's pinnk and fluffy??

Pink Fluff

Raz · 30-07-2003 3:21pm

What's long hard an full of seamen??

A submarine you dirty minded .....

(works better when told, not written)

Sleipnir · 30-07-2003 4:30pm

In response to Raz's "what's pink and fluffy" joke

What's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

what's blue and fluffy?
blue fluff?

what's white and fluffy?
white fluff?
no, cotten wool.............dumbass.

Capt'n Midnight · 30-07-2003 4:56pm

Why did the fly fly ?
Because the spider spied 'er

Ivan · 30-07-2003 4:57pm

Whats brown & sticky?
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A stick!

triv88 · 30-07-2003 5:10pm

why did the lil gurl have no eyes?

cos they got gouged out by a seagull

bozzie · 30-07-2003 5:30pm

WHATS BROWN AND GREEN AND IF IT FELL OUT OF A TREE WOULD KILL YOU?

A POOL TABLE

Pugsley · 31-07-2003 6:18am

What's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

what's blue and fluffy?
blue fluff?

what's white and fluffy?
white fluff?
no, cotten wool.............dumbass.

Whats blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff choking

Whats white and fluffy?
Dead pink fluff

Whats green and fluffy?
Pink fluff with sea sickness

Raz · 31-07-2003 8:44am

What do you call a fly with no legs?

A walk

Whats the last thing that comes into a flys head as he hits a car windscreen?

His ass

Kappar · 31-07-2003 11:00am

What did hitler say to his men before thy got into their tanks?
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"Get into your tanks"

<edit> on second thaught i've decided to take down the rest of my jokes, they may cause offence </edit>

AdMMM · 31-07-2003 11:40am

LOL...

Some of them are brilliant. But a few of them are so stupid, you laff anyway... 5 stars!

colm_c · 31-07-2003 4:02pm

Here's a classic:

What's yellow and smells like bananas?

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Monkey Sick!

Crash · 31-07-2003 4:43pm

Guy walks into a bar...says Ow.
Two guys walk after him...you think one of em would've seen it.

How do you shoot a blue elephant? with a blue elephant gun
how do you shoot a pink elephant? hold its breath til it turns blue THEN shoot it with a blue elephant gun

Capt'n Midnight · 31-07-2003 6:49pm

Because the seaweed.

PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

Shiminay · 01-08-2003 7:36am

STICKEH!

Raz · 01-08-2003 10:13am

I got done with that one before Cptn. It took me about 5 minutes before I realise what the guys were getting at. Oh the shame

Capt'n Midnight · 01-08-2003 12:51pm

Jack the kipper.

PS. tell Loggser he owes me a tenner...

Capt'n Midnight · 01-08-2003 1:21pm

a Lion in the desert ... at christmas....

Santa Claus

Did you hear about the dyslexic cultist ?

He sold his soul to Santa

Cozpyro · 01-08-2003 1:31pm

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight

PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

Nah, but I do know Logs Burn

Capt'n Midnight · 01-08-2003 1:39pm

Vic

Shell · 01-08-2003 3:16pm

3 blondes walk in2 a building
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u think one of them wud o' seen it!!!

____________________________________________

There's a 'Mark' on my page ->

joseph brand · 04-08-2003 12:40pm

Two goldfish in a tank,
one turns to other . . . . . . . . . .

Three goldfish in a tank,
One turns to the others and says,
"Wheres MY seat belt"

This joke goes up to 11 goldfish!!!

penguinbloke · 04-08-2003 8:25pm

Patient: Doctor, doctor I can't feel my legs.

Doctor: Thats because I amputated your arms.

JackKelly · 05-08-2003 8:57am

sound, this became a sticky while i was gone. They are some of the funniest jokes ive ever seen.

I can't remember if i said this.

Who is the leaded of the hankies?
The hankerchief

hohohohoho

Havelock · 05-08-2003 9:20am

volentiarly edited, grumble

Sleipnir · 05-08-2003 9:32am

I do believe dead baby jokes are banned. It's for one-liners, not sick jokes. Where's the Mod?

AL][EN · 05-08-2003 4:36pm

two fish swimming along one hits a conceate wall it turns to the other fish and says.................

DAMN!!!!

Michael Collins · 05-08-2003 5:05pm

Ha actually funny jokes for a change! Not mine now, everyone elses I mean...

Did you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with logs...

Did you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil...

Oriel · 06-08-2003 12:38pm

Alternatively...
Did you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil, but it came out in logs...

irishman_abroad · 07-08-2003 1:09pm

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.....

Whats pink and hard?

A pig with a flick-knife

bozzie · 07-08-2003 6:27pm

dyslexia rules ko!!!

did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
it couldnt ketchup

why did the one armed man cross the road
to get to the second hand shop

why did the rooster cross the road
to prove he wasnt a chicken

Sangre · 10-08-2003 1:10pm

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a deaf man?
Anything you want, he can't hear you

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him

seveer · 10-08-2003 9:37pm

what do you say to a zen buddhist hot dog vendor ??

make me one with everything

loftus · 11-08-2003 5:43pm

What’s the difference between 365 condoms and a car tyre?

Ones a Good year the others a great year.

TeenStar · 12-08-2003 5:49pm

Why do prostitutes wear furry knickers?
Too keep their ankles warm

Whats brown and sticky?
A Stick

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

What do u call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

SHOOT ME QUICK

EricM · 14-08-2003 3:01am

What did one coconut tree say to the other coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, there's a big blow job coming!

Kwizatz Anorak · 14-08-2003 1:21pm

The tower of Piza leans over to Big Ben and says "Have you got the time", big ben smiles and says back "I don't know, have you got the inclination"...

Pencapchew · 15-08-2003 4:45pm

Good move makin' this a sticky.

Did you ever hear about the magic tractor?

It went down a lane and turned into a field.

I'll get my coat.

One-Liner Jokes

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