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One-Liner Jokes

  • 30-07-2003 12:39pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 3,225 ✭✭✭ JackKelly


    Well, in my opinion, one line jokes are the funniest of most jokes,so i was thinking, maybe i should try make a list. As you can never really find funny jokes on webpages, i thought that there would be more sucess on boards.ie! So anyone got any? You know the type im talking about.From ridiculos ones, to the tommy cooper type ones. I suppose i can give a few:

    Stupid?
    "Why'd the boy fall off his bike?
    Cuz someone threw a fridge at him"
    "Why did the plane crash?
    Cuz the pilot was a loaf of bread"
    "Why did the girl fall off the swing?
    B'cuz she was dead"

    (yea, they are stupid but dont say you didn't laugh)

    TC
    "I rang up my local swimming pool the other day and asked, "Is this the local swimming pool?" "depends where you live", he said.

    Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

    "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

    Dunno if i should post the offensive ones


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 999 ✭✭✭ Raz


    Ha! Good stuff. :)

    Lets see em...

    A guy walks into a bar.
    He fell back unconcious. :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,515 ✭✭✭ Sleipnir


    Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other
    "you're round"

    A horse walks into a bar and the barman says
    "why the long face?"


    This one doesn't really work unless you're actually telling it to someone but you'll get the idea!

    A polar bear walks into a bar, goes to up the barman and says
    "a pint of.........................................................Guinness please"
    and the parman says
    "why the big pause?" (paws, geddit!!??)


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,515 ✭✭✭ Sleipnir


    forgot my best one. This one drives my girlfriend crazy, she hates it and therefore I make a point of telling her the joke once a month

    Where does the General keep his armies?
    Up his sleevies!!!!!

    hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,225 ✭✭✭ JackKelly


    lol
    that reminds me of this one
    "who's the leader of the hankies?



    the hankerchief"


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 16,659 ✭✭✭✭ dahamsta


    I'm a procrastinator but I'll come back to that later...

    adam


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,666 Imposter


    There's a lot of one-liners about elephants!

    ...now if only I knew somewhere where I could find them!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,225 ✭✭✭ JackKelly


    but what if you don't want them about elephants?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭ TUTS


    What has two legs and bleeds ?

    Half a dog.

    :p


    Why do seagulls have wings ?

    To beat the Knackers to the dump.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭ TUTS


    Did ye hear what happened the paper shop up town?


    It blew away.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,666 Imposter


    Originally posted by TimAy
    but what if you don't want them about elephants?
    Well then you call the thread something like:
    Non-Elephant related One-Liner Jokes


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,225 ✭✭✭ JackKelly


    i seeeeeee


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,322 phobos


    What's green and sits in the corner?
    --> A bold frog.

    What's black & yellow, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill ya?
    --> JCB

    Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "Jaysus how do you drive this thing?"

    Two sausages in a frying pan, one turns to the other and says "Jaysus it's auful hot in here", to which the other one replies "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

    nYes ;)

    ;-phobos-)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 999 ✭✭✭ Raz


    What's pinnk and fluffy??
    Pink Fluff
    :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 999 ✭✭✭ Raz


    What's long hard an full of seamen??
    A submarine you dirty minded .....

    (works better when told, not written)


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,515 ✭✭✭ Sleipnir


    In response to Raz's "what's pink and fluffy" joke

    What's pink and fluffy?
    pink fluff

    what's blue and fluffy?
    blue fluff?

    what's white and fluffy?
    white fluff?
    no, cotten wool.............dumbass.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 89,766 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Why did the fly fly ?
    Because the spider spied 'er


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators Posts: 4,560 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Ivan


    Whats brown & sticky?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    A stick!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 297 ✭✭ triv88


    why did the lil gurl have no eyes?


    cos they got gouged out by a seagull


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 534 bozzie


    WHATS BROWN AND GREEN AND IF IT FELL OUT OF A TREE WOULD KILL YOU?

    A POOL TABLE


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,136 Pugsley


    What's pink and fluffy?
    pink fluff

    what's blue and fluffy?
    blue fluff?

    what's white and fluffy?
    white fluff?
    no, cotten wool.............dumbass.
    Whats blue and fluffy?
    Pink fluff choking

    Whats white and fluffy?
    Dead pink fluff

    Whats green and fluffy?
    Pink fluff with sea sickness


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 999 ✭✭✭ Raz


    What do you call a fly with no legs?
    A walk

    Whats the last thing that comes into a flys head as he hits a car windscreen?
    His ass


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,114 Kappar


    What did hitler say to his men before thy got into their tanks?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "Get into your tanks"

    <edit> on second thaught i've decided to take down the rest of my jokes, they may cause offence </edit>


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,472 ✭✭✭ AdMMM


    LOL...

    Some of them are brilliant. But a few of them are so stupid, you laff anyway... 5 stars!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,994 ✭✭✭ colm_c


    Here's a classic:

    What's yellow and smells like bananas?

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Monkey Sick!


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,103 ✭✭✭✭ Crash


    Guy walks into a bar...says Ow.
    Two guys walk after him...you think one of em would've seen it.

    How do you shoot a blue elephant? with a blue elephant gun
    how do you shoot a pink elephant? hold its breath til it turns blue THEN shoot it with a blue elephant gun


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 89,766 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Because the seaweed.

    PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 28,648 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Shiminay


    STICKEH!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 999 ✭✭✭ Raz


    I got done with that one before Cptn. It took me about 5 minutes before I realise what the guys were getting at. Oh the shame :p


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 89,766 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Jack the kipper.

    PS. tell Loggser he owes me a tenner...


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 89,766 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    a Lion in the desert ... at christmas....

    Santa Claus


    Did you hear about the dyslexic cultist ?

    He sold his soul to Santa


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