One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

Whilst trying to remember the difference between incompetence, impotence and incontinence, I tripped over a box of Viagra and pissed myself.

MonkieSocks

They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $50 just to start his car.

Bandana boy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121394474#Comment_121394474

we should introduce him to xlogo , he does it for 20 bucks

MonkieSocks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121394571#Comment_121394571

I must have forgotton that one LOL

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Quite fitting that the best player in the strings section of our orchestra was Amanda Lynn

TinyMuffin

People say I’m paranoid, but I’m sure the builder hammering nails into the roof of my next door neighbours house called me a wanker, in morse code.

xlogo

A lorry carrying Vics Vapour Rub crashed and spilled its load on the motorway.

Police said there was no congestion for 8 hours.

everlast75

Just lost a court case to a fabric softener!

I fought Lenor, and Lenor won.

MonkieSocks

Apparently you cannot use ‘Beefstew’ as password, because It’s not Stroganoff

Schalker

An Englishman and an Irishman went to a bakery. The Englishman stole three buns und put them into his pockets and left. He said to the Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

"That's just simple thievery" the Irishman replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said: "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

xlogo

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petrie dish. The results speak for themselves.

xlogo

Been delivering leaflets locally for the forthcoming Flatulence Awareness Campaign……Sadly I let one rip!

xlogo

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 

 

 

But other times I let her sleep in.

xlogo

Already bored with my time machine and I've only had it a year.

 

 

Probably won't bother getting it.

Victor

FOR SALE: Adidas, ASICS, Nike, Reebok, Under Armour. Variety of styles, colours and sizes. Left shoes only.

MonkieSocks

I was so drunk last night. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and my underwear.

I crept up stairs very very quietly. It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.

everlast75

Is a female cannibal from Spain a senor eater?

xlogo

I hired a carpenter to make me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

xlogo

When my grandad got ill, grandma covered his back in lard. After that, he went downhill quickly

everlast75

Vincent Van Gogh had a terrific memory.

Everything you told him went in one ear...

MonkieSocks

Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?

everlast75

I used to steal from my first employer and if anyone noticed I’d distract them by dancing like the guy from The Happy Mondays. I eventually got charged with embezzlement.

xlogo

The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled.

 

 

Tickets are non-refundable.

MonkieSocks

Did you hear about the man who was bitten by George Michael?

He turned into a Whampire

everlast75

Me and my buddies at the gun club often go to the cheese shop... Just to shoot the Bries.

barneygumble99

If the devil goes bald , will there be hell toupee??

MonkieSocks

Why do Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs? ........Because they're Inca Hoots

xlogo

I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So I left.

barneygumble99

Best Christmas present I ever got??

A broken drum. Can’t beat that.

barneygumble99

Ladders…………Always up to something.

MonkieSocks

Apple have just announced an electric car but they haven't confirmed yet if it will come with windows.

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