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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Whilst trying to remember the difference between incompetence, impotence and incontinence, I tripped over a box of Viagra and pissed myself.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

    In fact, every morning, he paid me $50 just to start his car.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,325 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    we should introduce him to xlogo , he does it for 20 bucks



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I must have forgotton that one LOL

    _____________________________________________


    Quite fitting that the best player in the strings section of our orchestra was Amanda Lynn

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,577 ✭✭✭TinyMuffin


    People say I’m paranoid, but I’m sure the builder hammering nails into the roof of my next door neighbours house called me a wanker, in morse code.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A lorry carrying Vics Vapour Rub crashed and spilled its load on the motorway.


    Police said there was no congestion for 8 hours.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,942 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just lost a court case to a fabric softener!


    I fought Lenor, and Lenor won.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apparently you cannot use ‘Beefstew’ as password, because It’s not Stroganoff

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 57 ✭✭Schalker


    An Englishman and an Irishman went to a bakery. The Englishman stole three buns und put them into his pockets and left. He said to the Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."


    "That's just simple thievery" the Irishman replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."


    The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.


    The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"


    The Irishman then said: "Look in the Englishman's pockets."



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petrie dish. The results speak for themselves.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Been delivering leaflets locally for the forthcoming Flatulence Awareness Campaign……Sadly I let one rip!



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 


     


     


    But other times I let her sleep in.



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Already bored with my time machine and I've only had it a year.


     


     


    Probably won't bother getting it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,234 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    FOR SALE: Adidas, ASICS, Nike, Reebok, Under Armour. Variety of styles, colours and sizes. Left shoes only.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was so drunk last night. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and my underwear.

    I crept up stairs very very quietly. It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,942 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Is a female cannibal from Spain a senor eater?



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I hired a carpenter to make me a double bed and he's done a bunk.



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    When my grandad got ill, grandma covered his back in lard. After that, he went downhill quickly



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,942 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Vincent Van Gogh had a terrific memory.

    Everything you told him went in one ear...



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,942 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I used to steal from my first employer and if anyone noticed I’d distract them by dancing like the guy from The Happy Mondays. I eventually got charged with embezzlement.



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled.


     


     

    Tickets are non-refundable.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the man who was bitten by George Michael?

    He turned into a Whampire

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,942 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Me and my buddies at the gun club often go to the cheese shop... Just to shoot the Bries.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,115 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    If the devil goes bald , will there be hell toupee??



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs? ........Because they're Inca Hoots

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to a psychic.


    I knocked on her front door.


    She yelled: "Who is it?"


    So I left.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,115 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Best Christmas present I ever got??

    A broken drum. Can’t beat that.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,115 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Ladders…………Always up to something.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apple have just announced an electric car but they haven't confirmed yet if it will come with windows.



    🇮🇪

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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