One-Liner Jokes

irishad001

Ha! Good stuff. 

barneygumble99

’What are your plans for today’??

Im just going into town to buy glasses

’And after that’ ??

After that. I’ll see

Capt'n Midnight

Got a pair of boxers with the London Underground tube map on for Christmas.

Already had to change twice.

barneygumble99

Just paid €20 for a 2 minute taxi to the laundrette

Feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

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My Spanish neighbour has just had a right go at me for playing Madness songs too loud.

 

 

Miguel's mad at me.

Capt'n Midnight

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.

Capt'n Midnight

What's Australia's biggest export? Boomerangs.

What's Australia's biggest import? Boomerangs.

Schalker

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

everlast75

I wanted to become a monk but I never got the chants.

barneygumble99

My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

In my defence , I didn’t know she sold jewellery.

barneygumble99

I went to a Abba themed bar last night

The toilet was like a maze

What a loo, couldn't escape if I wanted too

Capt'n Midnight

There are no such things as vampires. Unless you Count Dracula.

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I was at a fancy dress party the other day when this girl came up to me and said, “What are you supposed to be then?”

I said, “I’m a harp.”

“You’re too small to be a harp”, she replied.

I said, “Are you calling me a lyre?”

everlast75

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws...

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I've started a yacht-building factory in my attic. Business is booming, sail's are going through the roof.

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So many people are naming their children after luxury items, like Mercedes, Chardonnay or Dior, well I’m off out with my 2 sons, Gas and Electric!!

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Can't believe I've been cured of Kleptomania

I have to keep pinching myself!

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I just saw a guy walking round the supermarket, shouting "CAULIFLOWER, BROCCOLI, CAULIFLOWER,

BROCCOLI."

I think he's got florets.

everlast75

Who is Dracula's favourite singer?

Gladys Knight.

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My mate said, "I like your sports car."

I said, "it's not very practical now that we have a baby."

He said, "how about I buy it off you?"

I said,"go on then. Three grand?"

He said, "you've got yourself a deal."

I said, "nice one - you're going to make a brilliant dad!"

everlast75

Every year on Phil Collins’ birthday, his friends give him the bumbum-bumbum-bumbum-bumbum-bum-bumps.

barneygumble99

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye yesterday. Shouldn’t have done it in Heinzsight.

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i had a very flamboyant uncle that owned a door factory.

he definitely knew how to make an entrance!

Sam Russell

I bought a golfing friend a pair of golf socks. He was delighted as he got a hole in one.

Victor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121799000#Comment_121799000

All socks need at least one hole!!

Sam Russell

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121799191#Comment_121799191

All golfers would love a hole in one at some point in their lives. Some would settle for one in a sock.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121799191#Comment_121799191

Topologically they don't have any holes.

Capt'n Midnight

Just received an email that promises if I click the link, I will be able to read maps backwards. I think it's spam.

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The original inventor of the USB cable only died a couple of months ago.

At his funeral, the pall bearers had to turn the coffin upside down to get it into the ground..

Mehaffey1

Had my custom order of 8 legs of venison cancelled by the butcher last week, came in two deer.