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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 9 irishad001


    Ha! Good stuff. 



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,112 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    ’What are your plans for today’??

    Im just going into town to buy glasses

    ’And after that’ ??

    After that. I’ll see



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Got a pair of boxers with the London Underground tube map on for Christmas.


    Already had to change twice.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,112 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Just paid €20 for a 2 minute taxi to the laundrette

    Feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Spanish neighbour has just had a right go at me for playing Madness songs too loud.


     


     


    Miguel's mad at me.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's Australia's biggest export? Boomerangs.



    What's Australia's biggest import? Boomerangs.



  • Registered Users Posts: 57 ✭✭Schalker


    One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."


    His wife asked, "How do you know?"


    "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I wanted to become a monk but I never got the chants.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,112 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

    In my defence , I didn’t know she sold jewellery.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,112 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I went to a Abba themed bar last night

    The toilet was like a maze

    What a loo, couldn't escape if I wanted too



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    There are no such things as vampires. Unless you Count Dracula.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was at a fancy dress party the other day when this girl came up to me and said, “What are you supposed to be then?”

    I said, “I’m a harp.”

    “You’re too small to be a harp”, she replied.

    I said, “Are you calling me a lyre?”



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws...



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I've started a yacht-building factory in my attic. Business is booming, sail's are going through the roof.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    So many people are naming their children after luxury items, like Mercedes, Chardonnay or Dior, well I’m off out with my 2 sons, Gas and Electric!!



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Can't believe I've been cured of Kleptomania

    I have to keep pinching myself!



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I just saw a guy walking round the supermarket, shouting "CAULIFLOWER, BROCCOLI, CAULIFLOWER,

    BROCCOLI."


    I think he's got florets.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Who is Dracula's favourite singer?



    Gladys Knight.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My mate said, "I like your sports car."


    I said, "it's not very practical now that we have a baby."


    He said, "how about I buy it off you?"


    I said,"go on then. Three grand?"


    He said, "you've got yourself a deal."


    I said, "nice one - you're going to make a brilliant dad!"



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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Every year on Phil Collins’ birthday, his friends give him the bumbum-bumbum-bumbum-bumbum-bum-bumps.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,112 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye yesterday. Shouldn’t have done it in Heinzsight.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    i had a very flamboyant uncle that owned a door factory.


    he definitely knew how to make an entrance!



  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,316 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I bought a golfing friend a pair of golf socks. He was delighted as he got a hole in one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,231 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,316 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    All golfers would love a hole in one at some point in their lives. Some would settle for one in a sock.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,619 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just received an email that promises if I click the link, I will be able to read maps backwards. I think it's spam.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The original inventor of the USB cable only died a couple of months ago.


    At his funeral, the pall bearers had to turn the coffin upside down to get it into the ground..



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,554 ✭✭✭Mehaffey1


    Had my custom order of 8 legs of venison cancelled by the butcher last week, came in two deer.



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