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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5102
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My friend said he couldn’t afford to pay his water bill…so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5103
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I recently bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers. "Surprise for the wife?" asked the assistant. "Only if she catches me wearing it!" I replied



  • #5104
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

    An anti-inflamaTory.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5105
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Showed the doctor my heamorrhoids this morning. He just ignored me and carried on pushing his trolley round Tescos.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5106
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When do we get to cash in all this daylight we've been saving?



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  • #5107
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.



  • #5108
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119863947#Comment_119863947

    We keep it aside for rainy days, silly.



  • #5109
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Will transparent coffins be a success...remains to be seen.



  • #5110
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    ‘I used to play a musical instrument on cruise ships’.


     


    ‘Piano ?’


     


    ‘No, Cunard’...



  • #5111
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps

    Tonight" is always just a whim away...


    A whim away, a whim away, a whim

    away...



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  • #5112
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan, I'm on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.



  • #5113
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, "You don't have a psychiatrist."



  • #5114
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

    I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5115
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    "My friend doesn't like to talk about his psoriasis. He,d rather just sweep it under the carpet."



  • #5116
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample". He says "sorry, I tried with my right hand then my left then my wife tried with both hands and then her mouth, at first with her teeth in and then without. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can't get the jar open



  • #5117
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    text my wife today. "I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Dr's examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life." She text back, "Who the f**k is Sarah?"



  • #5118
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. 


     


    Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.


     


    I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.



  • #5119
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids…


    Apparently, she left me two days ago!



  • #5120
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Got my wife a job in MI5 so i don't have to hear about how her day went.


     



  • #5121
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I congratulated someone on FB on their Movember efforts and now she’s unfriended me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5122
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My rock band has a Slovakian sound technician and a Czech one too

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5123
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. 


     


     


    He says he can't complain.



  • #5124
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Untitled Image

    ---... -....- -.--.-

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5125
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Breaking News:

    Big explosion at a cheese factory in France

    Da Brie is everywhere

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5126
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Mate has just been fired from Tayto Park, I've told him he has a case for funfair dismissal.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5127
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” –

    Steven Wright



  • #5128
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?


     


     


    Disneyland...



  • #5129
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Jesus Christ was originally going to be named Gary until Mary stubbed her toe.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5130
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 


     


     


    But other times I let her sleep in.



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  • #5131
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The Mrs wants me to take her to Vegas to see 'The Temptations' for Xmas.


    ....However it looks like I'll take her to Primark and get her four tops.



  • #5132
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    For Sail; Wind



  • #5133
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5134
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just had some counterfeit Mr Kipling mince pies.


    To be fair, they were exceedingly good fakes.



  • #5135
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought a pair of tortoiseshell shoes,took me two hours to walk home

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5136
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Archeologists will date any old thing, but it will end in ruins

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5137
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was injured in a Peekaboo incident and am currently being admitted to the ICU.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5138
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 




     




     




    But other times I let her sleep in.



  • #5139
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.


     


     


    I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.



  • #5140
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Not saying I’m indecisive but when My Wife asked yesterday which deodorant I wanted for Christmas?

    I said “Not sure”



  • #5141
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5142
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/SpookyIrishLady/status/1599335199091101696


    ...



  • #5143
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    How did Mary and Joseph get their groceries delivered?


     


     


     


    On a Lidl donkey.



  • #5144
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm so poor, i can't even pay attention.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5145
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I asked this girl at work why she's still dating a scruffy homeless bloke who thinks he's Elvis...


     


     


    She replied, "I'm courting a tramp, I can't walk out!!..”


     



  • #5146
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Duvet Know It's Christmas is being released in the charts soon. 


    It's a cover.



  • #5147
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I learned Morse code and then I couldn't sleep because the rain kept telling me to go the bathroom

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5148
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just bought a dictionary at a car boot sale , but some of the pages from the front and backw were torn out , it just goes from bad to worse



  • #5149
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Double entendres are all very well in their place, but not in my back yard

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5150
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder...


     


     


    He's fine now.



  • #5151
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an upholstery machine...





    He's fully recovered now.



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