One-Liner Jokes

RichieO

Second Toughest in_the Freshers wrote: »

A man was killed with a starter pistol today, Police think it might have been race related.

but so far have drew a blank?

RiderOnTheStorm

What did the horse say to the 1 legged jockey?

How ya gettin on?

Xenophile

What did Mae West say to man with one ball ?

Hop it.

Xenophile

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty" Woody Allen.

Second Toughest in_the Freshers

A dog limps into a tavern in the old west with his paw bandaged up, says "I'm looking for the man who shot my da"

...

Shannon757

This must be the longest going thread on Boards.

The YOPPA

but what happened his PA(w)?

Oblomov

but what happened his PA(w)?

That was the catch in the punch line

clever the unepected

RichieO

That is so lame, the joke, .. not the dog..!!

Second Toughest in_the Freshers wrote: »

A dog limps into a tavern in the old west with his paw bandaged up, says "I'm looking for the man who shot my da"

...

Worztron

What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Worztron

The cannibal was late to dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

Xenophile

As I was getting into bed, she said, "You are drunk!" I said, "How do you know?" She said, "You live next door."

Worztron

A guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, 'Are you a pole vaulter?'

He says, 'No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?'

Comer1

Worztron wrote: »

A guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, 'Are you a pole vaulter?'

He says, 'No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?'

Punch line should be: "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?"

Worztron

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.

gammygils

conjunctivitis.com
A site for sore eyes :pac:

Oblomov

One Palm tree said to another palm tree in Florida,
" Hang on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow job"

Xenophile

Zsa Zsa Gabor died on Sunday aged 99, here are 20 of her best one liners.

20. "I don't remember anyone's name. How do you think the 'dahling' thing got started?"
19. "Any woman who diets all the time can't help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet."
18. "A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it."
17. "There is nothing wrong with a woman encouraging a man's advances, as long as they are in cash."
16. "Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you beautiful."
15. "It's never as easy to keep your own spouse happy as it is to make someone else's spouse happy."
14. "You never really know a man until you have divorced him."
13. "Sexual attraction only lasts two years, and who wants to stay with a man if you're not sexually attracted?"
12. "The only place men want depth in a woman is in her décolletage."
11. "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
10. "I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."
9. "Husbands are like fires: They go out when unattended."
8. "A woman has the right to quarrel with her husband in the afternoon because it is so much fun to make up in the evening."
7. "Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. "
6. "You can say I'm full of s--t—but don't say I'm old."
5. "I am not a name-dropper. I can't help it if everybody I know is famous."
4. "I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
3. "I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
2. "I am a marvelous housekeeper: Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
1. "I deserve attention not because of any talent, but just because of who I am."a Zsa Gabor Dies at 99: Her 20 Best One-Liners

FCIM

Two old maids sitting on a beach. Streaker went past. One had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

gammygils

When people who smoke go for a fag .......
Do people who vape go for a fog? :pac:

Worztron

How do you spot a gay man in a group of naked women? It’s not hard.

Worztron

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear..... Is Sphere Itself.

Worztron

I went by the house where I grew up in yesterday and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so ****ing rude.

Worztron

A wife is like a grenade... Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Worztron

How was your trip to Stockholm? ... Captivating.

MonkieSocks

We're about to have a bad spell of wether.

Xenophile

What's the difference between a Giraffe and a Caterpillar ?

One has high bollix and the other hydraulics !

MonkieSocks

I went to the barber's yesterday and had a number 2.

He was livid!

gozunda

MonkieSocks wrote: »

We're about to have a bad spell of wether.

And we did! Baboom!