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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3002
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    I applied for a job as a stool tester, (thinking it would be an easy sitting down all day job) but it turned out be a real sh*t job…


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    #3003
    gammygils
    Registered Users Posts: 17,236 ✭✭✭✭gammygils


    John & Francis Brennan are presenting a new show for RTE. Improving Labour Wards. It's going to be called

    At Your Cervix! :pac:


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    #3004
    Asarlai
    Registered Users Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Asarlai


    If we ignore ypos, we're giving in to the errorists.


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    #3005
    fobster
    Registered Users Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    I saw a fridge called Hotpoint today... and I thought wait a minute shouldn't that be...?


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    #3006
    Oblomov
    Registered Users Posts: 9,672 ✭✭✭Oblomov


    The lorry driver swerved to avoid a child

    and fell off the couch


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    #3007
    Achtung Maybe
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭Achtung Maybe


    Velcro : What a rip-off !


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    #3008
    rustymetal
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭rustymetal


    Did you hear about the wooden car?














    It wooden go.

    I'll get my coat.


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    #3009
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    What do you call a knacker that scuba dives?

    A deep tinker.


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    #3010
    gammygils
    Registered Users Posts: 17,236 ✭✭✭✭gammygils


    Tax Evasion
    It could get Messi !!


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    #3011
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    Stop saying I’m probably anal-ist, …. I am a Probability analyst …


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    #3012
    Blisterman
    Registered Users Posts: 7,450 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.


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    #3013
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    Blisterman wrote: »
    Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.


    Dammit, that means no-one will notice when I play my trumpet card....


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    #3014
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,704 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    The kinky lentil likes to watch the chickpea


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    #3015
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    When Mick told me he was arrested in Tesco for wearing one sock, I said, no way, fek off, but it turned out that’s all he was wearing….


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    #3016
    rustymetal
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭rustymetal


    I went to the doctor the other day and I said " I'd broken my arm in several places "
    The doctor said "well you shouldn't go to those places".


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    #3017
    rustymetal
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭rustymetal


    what do you call a lada with a sun roof ?

    A skip.


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    #3018
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    rustymetal wrote: »
    what do you call a lada with a sun roof ?

    A skip.

    1985 called.
    They want their joke back


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    #3019
    rustymetal
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭rustymetal


    What is black and white and red all over?

    a newspaper

    What did the lawyer wear to court?






    a lawsuit.

    Right I'll get my coat so.


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    #3020
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,667 ✭✭✭Worztron


    rustymetal wrote: »
    What is black and white and red all over?

    a newspaper

    What did the lawyer wear to court?






    a lawsuit.

    Right I'll get my coat so.

    1986 called.
    They want their jokes back. ;)

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #3021
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    Some more eighties classics:

    What was the first sign of tinkers in the bible?
    Hosana in the Hiace!

    What was the first sign of soccer in the bible?
    When Jesus went up for the cross!

    What was the first sign of tennis in the bible?
    When David served the court of king Solomon!


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    #3022
    D_murph
    Registered Users Posts: 773 ✭✭✭D_murph


    Cyber Ghost wrote: »
    Some more eighties classics:

    What was the first sign of tinkers in the bible?
    Hosana in the Hiace!

    What was the first sign of soccer in the bible?
    When Jesus went up for the cross!

    What was the first sign of tennis in the bible?
    When David served the court of king Solomon!

    What was the first mention of sex in the bible?
    When Jesus went to mount Olive!

    What was the first mention of motorbikes in the bible?
    We heard the roar of Moses triumph!


    And on another note altogether...

    What does a flamingo have in common with Irish Water?
    They can both shove their bills up their arses!!!!


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    #3023
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    D_murph wrote: »
    What was the first mention of sex in the bible?
    When Jesus went to mount Olive!

    What was the first mention of motorbikes in the bible?
    We heard the roar of Moses triumph!


    And on another note altogether...

    What does a flamingo have in common with Irish Water?
    They can both shove their bills up their arses!!!!

    What was the second mention of sex?
    When Jesus was laid in the tomb!


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    #3024
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    What was the first sign of drugs in the bible?
    When Mary Magdalene was stoned!

    What was the second sign?
    When Moses went up mount Sinai and came back down with two tablets!


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    #3025
    Mr E
    Registered Users Posts: 55,453 ✭✭✭✭Mr E


    Fun fact of the day: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.


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    #3026
    Kevin the Kid
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭Kevin the Kid


    What did one snowman say to another?
    Do you smell carrots?


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    #3027
    Anatom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Anatom


    So this baby seal walks into a club...


    *gets coat*


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    #3028
    Achtung Maybe
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭Achtung Maybe


    I only had €10 and was debating to buy a Nicholas Cage/ Sean Connery DVD or some battered fish. I was stuck between The Rock and a hard plaice


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    #3029
    abff
    Registered Users Posts: 5,717 ✭✭✭abff


    A blonde walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.


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    #3030
    Cyber Ghost
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 382 ✭✭Cyber Ghost


    What does someone from D4 have in common with Tampax?

    They're both stuck up cúnts!


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    #3031
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,704 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    How many narcoleptics does it take to change a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


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