One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana.

By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude.

mistersifter

I'm in my 30's but I've got the body of a 21 year old super model.




She's in my attic. Anyone wanna help get rid?

TheBody

A man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

mistersifter

A man has died after choking on a Strepsil. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

MonkieSocks

I hear China has offered to buy Hawaii from the USA and want to re-name it Huaweii just piss off Trump.

tusk

TheBody wrote: »

A man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

puntastic!

MonkieSocks

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a shopping trolley?

A. A shopping trolley usually has a mind of its own.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hair?
The bathroom sink isn't full of pubic rabbits...

MonkieSocks

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.

Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?

Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,

"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate.

Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"

... 2 minutes later, the lad is back.

"Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!"

Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer;

potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of brassers..

greenspurs

What do prisoner use to call each other .?





Cell phones.

MonkieSocks

50,000 blondes met for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention :rolleyes:

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid.

Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 50,000 blondes start cheering,

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"



The leader says,

"Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here,

gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

The blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"



The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...














"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

MonkieSocks

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.


"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!


"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"


"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."



The operation went well and a year later he was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.


"Just great," he says. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."


"That's great," said the surgeon.


"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,

I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."


"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"


"Well, just two, said the golfer,

"I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

MonkieSocks

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'!

There's no paper on this side either!"

greenspurs

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers ?





A nervous wreck

MonkieSocks

I got home drunk the other night.

It was 3am in the morning and I was greeted by me missus waiting at the hallway with a broom in her hand.

I asked “What’s going on woman?

Are you cleaning the house or have you decided to fly off to your mum's?”

MonkieSocks

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

Bertie, the pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says Bertie

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.



"What are those?, asks Bertie

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for??" enquires Bertie

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.



"Feckin Jaysus", says Bertie, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

MonkieSocks

If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, which one should you let in first?







The dog, at least he will be pleased to see you and will then be quiet.

simongurnick

A man walks into a bar..."ouch".

greenspurs

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks ?




A roaming catholic …..

MonkieSocks

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .

One fine day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs McGaughy,' he said sternly.

'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,'she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs McGaughy stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.McGaughy her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said,

'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

pinksoir

One guy turns to another and says, " I don't think the folk in this thread understand what a one liner is"

MonkieSocks

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Gloomtastic!

MonkieSocks wrote: »

______________________________________________

On my phone that’s two lines so sorry, you lose too!

Sonny noggs

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate.

MonkieSocks

pinksoir wrote: »

One guy turns to another and says, " I don't think the folk in this thread understand what a one liner is"

Glad you are taking an interest in this thread.

I am looking forward to viewing your input with great anticipation and excitement.

And the input from AngryHippie, CharlieCroker, eisenberg1, Emmersonn, Gloomtastic!, monty_python, Nigzcurran, Padkir, Pappa Dolla, Remouad.


I put challenge to you all, please post in this thread every day from now until christmas and get this thread up to 1,000,000 views.

thank you and may your God go with you

bonzodog2

MonkieSocks wrote: »

thank you and may your God go with you

Dave Allen fan Monkie ?

donegal_man

I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex.
It's safe to say my addiction has gotten out of hand.

greenspurs

pinksoir wrote: »

One guy turns to another and says, " I don't think the folk in this thread understand what a one liner is"

Go ahead and show us yours then ! :rolleyes:


#Lurkers

Remouad

Two Peanuts walking down the road. One was assaulted.

eisenberg1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Glad you are taking an interest in this thread.

I am looking forward to viewing your input with great anticipation and excitement.

And the input from AngryHippie, CharlieCroker, eisenberg1, Emmersonn, Gloomtastic!, monty_python, Nigzcurran, Padkir, Pappa Dolla, Remouad.


I put challenge to you all, please post in this thread every day from now until christmas and get this thread up to 1,000,000 views.

thank you and may your God go with you

Jebus, what did I do on you?

All I did is give a thumbs up for Pinksoir’s comment, because it tell when a twenty line joke isn’t a one liner.

Anyway...here’s one for you.

I was gonna study philosophy in Trinity as a major, but I couldn’t find a uniform.