One-Liner Jokes

Xenophile

Groucho Marx (1890-1977):

'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Xenophile

Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

Xenophile

Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):

'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

Xenophile

Les Dawson (1931-1993):

'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Xenophile

Spike Milligan (1918-2002):

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Xenophile

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):

'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to

Xenophile

Bob Newhart (September 5, 1929-):

'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Xenophile

Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-):

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Xenophile

Noel Coward (1899-1973):

'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom

Xenophile

Mark Twain (1835-1910):

'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Xenophile

Bob Hope (1903-2003):

I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

Worztron

Groucho Marx: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

Xenophile

Joan Rivers (June 1933- September 2014):

'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Xenophile

George Carlin (May 1937- June 2008)

'Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.'

Xenophile

Mae West (1893-1980):

'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

Xenophile

Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):

'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Xenophile

Kenneth Williams (1926-1988):

'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!'

Xenophile

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):

'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

The YOPPA

"The World Innuendo Championships are on in Paris next weekend...I'm thinking of entering my sister"

Worztron

Groucho Marx: "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Xenophile

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Xenophile

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Xenophile

I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

Xenophile

I bought shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what they were laced with but I've been trippin all day.

Xenophile

I deleted all my German friends from my phone
Now it's hans free

Xenophile

Mindy was fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's

bnt

RiderOnTheStorm wrote: »

Venison's deer ....

Good thing chicken is cheep, eh?

Worztron

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

Niallage

There are 10 types of people in the world...
Those who understand binary and those that don't!

Second Toughest in_the Freshers

A man was killed with a starter pistol today, Police think it might have been race related.