The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

everlast75 · 10-03-2017 01:12PM

Today is International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be Wednesday, but they took longer than expected to get ready

Microdot · 11-03-2017 03:09PM

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed!

Microdot · 11-03-2017 03:11PM

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

Microdot · 11-03-2017 03:21PM

I went into Mothercare this morning and said to the shop assistant, "Do you sell maternity dresses?"
"Yes, sir"
She replied.
"What bust?"
I said,
"The condom"

Microdot · 11-03-2017 03:24PM

My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "that makes two of us"

MonkieSocks · 13-03-2017 12:43AM

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.

The defendant mutters, "fook all."

"What did you say?" asks the judge.

The court clerk turns to the judge and says,

"the defendant said, "fook all", your honour."

"Really?" replies the judge,

"I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

Hagar7 · 15-03-2017 08:32PM

Luigi, a very elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

GBX · 15-03-2017 11:06PM

I found the wife dead in the washing machine

I'm gutted but at least she died in comfort

15-03-2017 11:09PM

GBX wrote: »

I found the wire dead in the washing machine

I'm gutted but at least she died in n comfort

Not a bright spark so! :pac:

GBX · 15-03-2017 11:10PM

Edited

Armchair Andy · 15-03-2017 11:14PM

GBX wrote:

I found the wife dead in the washing machine
I'm gutted but at least she died in comfort

RIP
Hope she didn't waste the washing powder too.

whiskeyman · 16-03-2017 12:01AM

Armchair Andy wrote: »

RIP
Hope she didn't waste the washing powder too.

Don't be so Bold.
His wife Cil was a Fairy to many and a Dazzling woman.
Poor Cil...

con___manx1 · 16-03-2017 12:20AM

What do you call a blonde behind the wheel ?
An air bag

con___manx1 · 16-03-2017 12:28AM

Elton John Kylie Minogue and robbie Williams are walking down the street in London.

All of a sudden Kylie trips and goes head first into railings. She gets her head stuck between them.

Robbie sees her sexy ass sticking out and just cant resist so he pulls her nickers down and lashes her out of it.

After he is finished he turns around and says allright it's your turn now Elton.

Elton starts to cry.

Robbie asks what's wrong with you Elton?

Elton says my head is too big to fit between those railings.

gramar · 16-03-2017 04:22PM

I phoned a radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Great!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question,"he said. "Feeling confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then,to win 2 VIP tickets to see Liverpool play and to meet Klopp and his players after the game, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.

chewed · 16-03-2017 05:07PM

A horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.

He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got.”

“Why?" asks the barman. "What have you got?”

“About two euros and a carrot.”

monty_python · 18-03-2017 02:51AM

gramar wrote: »

I phoned a radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Great!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question,"he said. "Feeling confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then,to win 2 VIP tickets to see Liverpool play and to meet Klopp and his players after the game, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.

I don't get it?????

Jack the Stripper · 18-03-2017 03:00AM

monty_python wrote: »

I don't get it?????

Not a Liverpool fan.

gitzy16v · 18-03-2017 03:25AM

Jack the Stripper wrote: »

Not a Liverpool fan.

or is a liverpool fan

TheRiverman · 18-03-2017 08:33PM

monty_python wrote: »

I don't get it?????

Basically he thinks Klopp and the Liverpool players are a joke and he would be embarrassed to watch them play and meet them,so he deliberately answers incorrectly.

Hagar7 · 19-03-2017 01:26PM

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this
fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're
kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches ...But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I asked, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "Nah... She's pretty good looking'..."
Cost me a busted tooth ...But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip ... But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go
ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin.
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

****************************** *************************
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think
so?"
I said, "Hell, yes! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches ... But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

everlast75 · 19-03-2017 09:26PM

I bet on 3 horses at the Cheltenham Festival called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times but none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie...

Stigura · 20-03-2017 08:36PM

A new vibrator has just been invented that is So Realistic that just before a woman reaches orgasm, it cums, goes limp and finally switches itself off.

Mr Tibbs · 21-03-2017 12:28AM

The wife said she's leaving me over my obsession with classic American comedy shows

HAPPY DAYS

policarp · 21-03-2017 02:04AM

That's life.ðŸ˜¢

Microdot · 21-03-2017 06:30PM

Had my photo taken with the band REM! That's me in the corner!

Microdot · 21-03-2017 06:33PM

I've just seen a TV for sale on Ebay, the listing said: 'TV for sale, £20, volume button is stuck on full.'

I thought 'I can't turn that down...'

Microdot · 21-03-2017 06:34PM

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.

Actually, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.

Microdot · 21-03-2017 06:53PM

After an earthquake destroyed a hotel, rescuers were searching for survivors. They hushed as they heard an Irish voice weakly filtering through the rubble. The chief rescuer asked, '' hello, who's that?'' '' Paddy'', came the response. '' and whereabouts are your Paddy?''

'' in room 139''.

GBX · 22-03-2017 01:02AM

Shaughnessy walked into the bookie's the other afternoon a bit agitated. This wasn't doing his stammer any good of course, so he goes up to the girl at one of the booths and begins, "Hello, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

"The first horse?" suggested the teller, helpfully.

"No, I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f..."

"The fourth horse? The fifth??" she further attemped. By this time a bit of a queue had formed.

"No! I'm trying to tell you, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

At this point the poor young one gave up and phoned upstairs for the manager. "Listen, there's this guy here with some sort of speech impediment and I can't deal with him right now, there's a queue out the door. Would you ever come down and sort him out?"

"Right," said the manager, "I'll be right there!" And down he comes.

"Now sir, I understand there's some sort of a problem. Tell me - if I were to give you €200 right now, would that sort it out?"

"Umm," says Shaughnessy, "I s-s-s-s-suppose s-s-so!"

"Right, beautiful! Here you go sir, and have a good day!"

So with that Shaughnessy leaves, and goes into the pub next door for a jar to celebrate his good fortune. The barman notices the wad of notes, as they do, and says "Good win next door then? Got any hot tips?"

"No!" says our hero. "I d-d-don't b-bet. I'm a delivery d-d-d-river. I was trying to t-t-t-tell them I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-****in' artic into the manager's Mercedes, and they gave me €200!"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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