The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Microdot

Just got a job playing triangle in
a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I
just stand at the back and ting.

GBX

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"

mansize

If you're sad about being alone on Valentines Day,
just remember nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

Poor Irving

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me ?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to ?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago !!

Poor Irving

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me ?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to ?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago !!

Noddyholder

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
No whey Jose.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.

I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.

I was really shocked when I got a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone had cloned my card.
There's now some stupid bstard out there as skint as I am!

Microdot

A female weightlifter went to the Doctor and says..."I've been taking steroids for so long now, I've grown a cock."

"Anabolic?" says the Doctor.

"No just a cock" she replied.

Noddyholder

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.



She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

Noddyholder

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.





It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Noddyholder

My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”




I said, “Good idea – we can cover more ground that way.”

Noddyholder

Why do Native Americans hate snow?



Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Noddyholder

A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected.




Let’s get it right next time, boys.”

Noddyholder

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.




It’s a vicious cycle.

GBX

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now!!

MonkieSocks

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

There is another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out,















“Watch out for that bloody wall!”

foxy farmer

Paddy and the wife are on a 747 returning to Ireland from a trip to America. About an hour into the flight the pilot announces that he has trouble with one engine and is shutting it down. Everything will be fine but their arrival in Shannon could be 30 mins later.
After about an hour the plane starts to vibrate and passengers hear a bang. Pilot comes on and announces that an engine on the other wing has suddenly failed. It has been safely shut down everything is fine but the flight time has increased by another 45 mins. Another hour goes by when suddenly a passenger roars out that there's an engine on fire. After a few anxious minutes the fire subsides and the pilot is on the speaker again.
"Ladies and gentlemen we had a fire in engine no3 but the fire extinguisher system has put it out. We are down to one engine now. I've 30 yrs of flying in some of the most extreme conditions under my belt. We aren't far from Shannon but the fact that we have only one engine our air speed is very much reduced and it will take us almost an extra hour to reach Shannon."
Paddy turns to the wife. "Begor Carmel" says he "If the last engine gives up we'll be up here all day"

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it. Then they brought in a chap with 40 yrs on the job. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. The engine was fixed! 7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k. 'What?!' the owners said 'You hardly did anything.Send us an itemized bill.” the reply simply said

Tapping with a hammer. .£2
Knowing where to tap. .£9998

Don't underestimate experience.

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^

The real story. Henry Ford was notoriously stingy.

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/charles-proteus-steinmetz-the-wizard-of-schenectady-51912022/

Ford, whose electrical engineers couldn’t solve some problems they were having with a gigantic generator, called Steinmetz in to the plant. Upon arriving, Steinmetz rejected all assistance and asked only for a notebook, pencil and cot. According to Scott, Steinmetz listened to the generator and scribbled computations on the notepad for two straight days and nights. On the second night, he asked for a ladder, climbed up the generator and made a chalk mark on its side. Then he told Ford’s skeptical engineers to remove a plate at the mark and replace sixteen windings from the field coil. They did, and the generator performed to perfection.

Henry Ford was thrilled until he got an invoice from General Electric in the amount of $10,000. Ford acknowledged Steinmetz’s success but balked at the figure. He asked for an itemized bill.

Steinmetz, Scott wrote, responded personally to Ford’s request with the following:

Making chalk mark on generator $1.

Knowing where to make mark $9,999.

Ford paid the bill.

byrner88

As a Painter, I'm proud to say some of my work is now on display at the National Gallery.

I painted the skirting boards ........

Capt'n Midnight

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
- Emo Philips

jimgoose

I just got this text:

Lads, this may be of interest to you or someone you know. A friend of mine has two premium tickets with hospitality for Ireland v England on 18th March. He paid €300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at the Registry Office, on Grand Canal Street at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

everlast75

Looking forward to getting my wages at the end of this week so I can finally buy some deodorant.


Roll on Friday!

MonkieSocks

Undertakers are always increasing the price of a decent funeral and blaming it on the cost of living.

jimgoose

Three post-grads - one English Literature, one Hospitality/Catering, and one Comp. Sci. - are strolling down the street late one night after a few firkins of ale when they see a group of <HARRUMPH> Professional Ladies on the other side of the street and get to discussing some sort of formal group-term for them. English Lit. says "I think what you've got there is a Volume of Trollopes!". "Nice," says Hos./Cat. "but I'd say that's a Tray of Tarts!". "Both wrong!", says Comp. Sci. "That there can only be a String of Cache Misses!"

chewed

Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

gramar

jimgoose wrote: »

Three post-grads - one English Literature, one Hospitality/Catering, and one Comp. Sci. - are strolling down the street late one night after a few firkins of ale when they see a group of <HARRUMPH> Professional Ladies on the other side of the street and get to discussing some sort of formal group-term for them. English Lit. says "I think what you've got there is a Volume of Trollopes!". "Nice," says Hos./Cat. "but I'd say that's a Tray of Tarts!". "Both wrong!", says Comp. Sci. "That there can only be a String of Cache Misses!"

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

<lead balloon>

A rare misfire, 'twould appear. Never mind - I thought it was funny!

gramar

jimgoose wrote: »

A rare misfire, 'twould appear. Never mind - I thought it was funny!

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

It's pronounced the same as "cash", and a string of misses occurs when accessing a data structure that is not cached at all, but jokes are a bit like politics and women - if you're explaining, you're losing! :pac:

IrishZeus

gramar wrote: »

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

A cash missus