The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Microdot

My Dyslexic gay work colleague can't wait for February the 14th. The poor man
thinks its Vaseline Day.

Microdot

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorious!

Microdot

2 owls in a barn. One says "you will never guess what I've gone and done" the other owl says what? "I've got engaged" the other owl says "you twit to who?"

Microdot

Female lecturer reminds her students about exam tomorrow. "Apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack I'm not taking any excuses for not taking the exam". Smartarse at the back says, "What if I'm suffering from complete & utter sexual exhaustion?". Class erupts into laughter. When it quietens down she looks at him and says, "Well you'll just have to write with your other hand"

chewed

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?








They'll get over it.

Noddyholder

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Ballyfermot/Clondalkin in the early hours of Monday with its epicentre in the cherrryorchard area. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll" wats the story bud, n r ya alrite.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost 30 million e worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Courtown,Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their signing on time.
Ballyfermot FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ballyfermot .

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other clothing items usually sold in Primark or Lidl.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
2e buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
5e buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thank You.

Mr.Plough

Recently, a Parisian burglar nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

“Sir, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Capt'n Midnight

Michael Owen has brought out his own range of aftershave..

He's called it ...









...





...



My Cologne

Capt'n Midnight

I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning

Then I went and messed it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either'

Microdot

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

Microdot

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you
in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like
ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address
you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that
the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed
over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings me to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire!!..

Microdot

It is August in a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel.

He asks for a room and puts a 100 eruo note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 euros for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients, and lays the 100 euros on the counter.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 100 euros back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.

^^^^
Of course in the real world, the Russian would only get back €90 as the financial institutions would have charged interest on every transaction! :pac:
and the 0.01% would get about half of it.

Capt'n Midnight

I've decided to marry a pencil and I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

gitzy16v

Medical fact of the day: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine per day it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

Microdot

Beyonce has just found out Roy Castle is her real Dad. However she's decided against using his surname.

Microdot

My dentist name is Phil Mcavity.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Microdot wrote: »

Beyonce has just found out Roy Castle is her real Dad. However she's decided against using his surname.

Microdot wrote: »

My dentist name is Phil Mcavity.

Do all your jokes require mispronunciation to work?

Microdot

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

gitzy16v

You've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public. I was in the pub with a few mates recently and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.

Then an old guy came over and said, "I'm sorry lads but I don't find that funny. My son was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Was that just from a fit then?"
"No, said the man, "He choked on a sock."

Microdot

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

Do all your jokes require mispronunciation to work?

Yes.

Now where is yours?

Microdot

Went to a fancy dress party the other night as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me...

Wes Palmer Lee

I like to call my wife Bambi.
She thinks its because she small and cute with big brown eyes..

but it's really because I want to see her mother killed with a hunting rifle.

ericl

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

coldfire1x

A man walks into a library ask the for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says "**** off you won't bring it back."

coldfire1x

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, "Iit's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday."

The poor man looks astonished, "It's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?"

The rich man goes, "I'm getting her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."

The poor man, looking confused, asks, "Why both? Isn't one or the other surely enough?"

The rich man responds, "Well, I figure if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has a nice car. What are you getting your wife?"

The poor man looks down, "I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man is taken aback, "Slippers and a dildo, that's an odd combination?"

The poor man looks up, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuk herself."

coldfire1x

Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

King George VI

What do you call an emo acapella group?

Self harmony.

Microdot

I walked past my ex's house and saw that it was on fire. She started yelling from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!"So I pulled out my phone and took a picture and now she's my new screensaver.

Microdot

I was halfway through a new recipe, when I read "Now chill in fridge for at least 2 hours".

I only managed 24 minutes. My spliff kept going out and I was f***ing freezing.