The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Microdot

I went for a testicular cancer check-up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure."
I said, "I haven't got an erection."
She said "No, but I have."

Microdot

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... she's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

Four Phucs Ache

What did the letter O say to the letter Q ?






Dude, put your cock away!

Mr Tibbs

A funny thing happened during a concert by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night. The fella playing the triangle disapeared

MonkieSocks

Teacher : What?s your favourite letter?

Student: The letter G.

Teacher : Why is that, Angus?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of €10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says **** you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Dr Crayfish

A baby seal walks into a club

eisenberg1

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

A baby seal walks into a club

Did he get a kiss from a rose or was he too young?:)

Microdot

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Did he get a kiss from a rose or was he too young?:)

He wasn't too young that he woke up the next morning with a sore head and found out he had VD.

keeponhurling

Microdot wrote: »

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Did he get a kiss from a rose or was he too young?:)

He wasn't too young that he woke up the next morning with a sore head and found out he had VD.

fryup

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Teacher : What?s your favourite letter?

Student: The letter G.

Teacher : Why is that, Angus?

don't get it

bonzodog2

Angus is glad his name has a g in it !

Shannon757

fryup wrote: »

don't get it

Without the G his name would be...

xlogo

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female.

If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

ericl

Have you heard about Will,Iam's lazy Irish cousin?

I will,nMehole.

gramar

- What would you do if you won the lottery?

- I'd buy a lap dacing club

- and if it didn't work out?

- I'd open the doors to the public.

K.Flyer

Husband went to the Garda station to report that his wife was missing ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in My sports car.

Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.2 V8 7G Tronic Edition 125 Coupe, finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather, AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring, Panoramic Glass, Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof, COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade, Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift, Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors, Parking Assist, Attention Assist, Speed Limit Assist, Electrically adjustable heated door Mirrors with Powerfold, Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory, Electrically Adjustable Steering Column, Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation, LED Daytime Running Lights, CruiseControl, Rear Privacy Glass, AMG Carpet Overmats ... ...

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry pal, we'll find your car..!

coolhull

A little silver-haired old gentleman calls his neighbour and says :

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

His neighbour asks... "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired old gentleman says,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

His neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

The neighbour studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

"LET'S PUT ALL THE CORNFLAKES BACK IN THE BOX"

Big Boots Off

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"


The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours

Hagar7

Couple go on holiday and are wondering what to buy as a momento of their trip.
Husband says "i saw a skunk in that pet shop window"
Wife goes crazy at him and says "how are we gonna get that through customs?"
He says "smuggled in down the front of your knickers"
What about the smell she asks?
"If it dies it dies" he replies.

---

3 nurses working in a morgue; a male corpse is brought in with a massive erection.
Nurse 1 says "i cant let that go to waste" and climbs on. when she's done nurse 2 says "well if you get to i might as well" and she rides him too
. When she's finished nurse 3 is a little hesitant saying "i dont know if i should, im on my period. what the hell, he's dead he'll not mind" and so she jumps on him. when she's done the guy sits up and looks around bewildered. "OMG! we're so sorry we thought you were dead!" cry the nurses.
"I was!" says the man, "but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion i seem to be much better now thanks. !"

---

The new young male assistant is left alone to prepare a female corpse for autopsy.
When he's done, he goes through to the pathologist and says, "Why do you think she has a prawn between her legs?"

The Pathologist goes to take a look at the corpse, laughs and says, "That's not a prawn; it's a clitoris."

The assistant says, "well, it tastes like a prawn."

---

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Two giants are walking around the world and their heads are above the clouds.

One giant says that he can tell exactly where they are by touching the ground with his hand.

Ah we are in Liverpool, he says.

How do you know ? Asks the other giant.

Some twat just nicked my watch.....

---

I can cut a piece of timber just by staring at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

9or10

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf
of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more
time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she
notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

Vidi, Vici, Veni.

MonkieSocks

A Duck stands by the side of the road waiting to cross.

A chicken comes up next to him and says

"Mate, don't bother, you won't hear the end of it".

seagull

Deleted User wrote: »

Vidi, Vici, Veni.

VD

Pinch Flat

Guy goes to the doctor with a pain down below. Into the surgery, and sees the nurse, a Thai lady. "Please drop your trousers, and I'll examine your testicles". Guy obliges, and the nurse carefully cups his nuts to do an examination. "You know, it's not unusual to get an erection when doing this", exclaims the nurse to which the patient replies "it's okay, I'm grand". Nurse says "I didn't mean you".

blade1

Pinch Flat wrote: »

Guy goes to the doctor with a pain down below. Into the surgery, and sees the Doc. "Please drop your trousers, and I'll examine your testicles". Guy obliges, and the doctor carefully cups his nuts to do an examination. "You know, it's not unusual to get an erection when doing this", exclaims the doctor to which the patient replies "it's okay, I'm grand". Doctor says "I didn't mean you".

Did he by any chance have a Thai nurse?:pac:

gitzy16v

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

Pinch Flat

blade1 wrote: »

Did he by any chance have a Thai nurse?:pac:

Yeah, sounds better with that. Edited.

MonkieSocks

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"








I can barely walk, but whenever I Fart, the room smells lovely.

jeanjolie

A mother and father are snooping around their son's bedroom

Being normal parents, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything. The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe and was in shock for a few moments of silence then remarked, "Oh my god! What should we do about this?"

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."