The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

fryup

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Teacher : What?s your favourite letter?

Student: The letter G.

Teacher : Why is that, Angus?

don't get it

bonzodog2

Angus is glad his name has a g in it !

Shannon757

fryup wrote: »

don't get it

Without the G his name would be...

xlogo

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female.

If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

ericl

Have you heard about Will,Iam's lazy Irish cousin?

I will,nMehole.

gramar

- What would you do if you won the lottery?

- I'd buy a lap dacing club

- and if it didn't work out?

- I'd open the doors to the public.

K.Flyer

Husband went to the Garda station to report that his wife was missing ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in My sports car.

Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.2 V8 7G Tronic Edition 125 Coupe, finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather, AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring, Panoramic Glass, Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof, COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade, Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift, Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors, Parking Assist, Attention Assist, Speed Limit Assist, Electrically adjustable heated door Mirrors with Powerfold, Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory, Electrically Adjustable Steering Column, Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation, LED Daytime Running Lights, CruiseControl, Rear Privacy Glass, AMG Carpet Overmats ... ...

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry pal, we'll find your car..!

coolhull

A little silver-haired old gentleman calls his neighbour and says :

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

His neighbour asks... "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired old gentleman says,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

His neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

The neighbour studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

"LET'S PUT ALL THE CORNFLAKES BACK IN THE BOX"

Big Boots Off

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"


The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours

Hagar7

Couple go on holiday and are wondering what to buy as a momento of their trip.
Husband says "i saw a skunk in that pet shop window"
Wife goes crazy at him and says "how are we gonna get that through customs?"
He says "smuggled in down the front of your knickers"
What about the smell she asks?
"If it dies it dies" he replies.

---

3 nurses working in a morgue; a male corpse is brought in with a massive erection.
Nurse 1 says "i cant let that go to waste" and climbs on. when she's done nurse 2 says "well if you get to i might as well" and she rides him too
. When she's finished nurse 3 is a little hesitant saying "i dont know if i should, im on my period. what the hell, he's dead he'll not mind" and so she jumps on him. when she's done the guy sits up and looks around bewildered. "OMG! we're so sorry we thought you were dead!" cry the nurses.
"I was!" says the man, "but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion i seem to be much better now thanks. !"

---

The new young male assistant is left alone to prepare a female corpse for autopsy.
When he's done, he goes through to the pathologist and says, "Why do you think she has a prawn between her legs?"

The Pathologist goes to take a look at the corpse, laughs and says, "That's not a prawn; it's a clitoris."

The assistant says, "well, it tastes like a prawn."

---

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Two giants are walking around the world and their heads are above the clouds.

One giant says that he can tell exactly where they are by touching the ground with his hand.

Ah we are in Liverpool, he says.

How do you know ? Asks the other giant.

Some twat just nicked my watch.....

---

I can cut a piece of timber just by staring at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

9or10

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf
of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more
time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she
notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

Vidi, Vici, Veni.

MonkieSocks

A Duck stands by the side of the road waiting to cross.

A chicken comes up next to him and says

"Mate, don't bother, you won't hear the end of it".

seagull

Deleted User wrote: »

Vidi, Vici, Veni.

VD

Pinch Flat

Guy goes to the doctor with a pain down below. Into the surgery, and sees the nurse, a Thai lady. "Please drop your trousers, and I'll examine your testicles". Guy obliges, and the nurse carefully cups his nuts to do an examination. "You know, it's not unusual to get an erection when doing this", exclaims the nurse to which the patient replies "it's okay, I'm grand". Nurse says "I didn't mean you".

blade1

Pinch Flat wrote: »

Guy goes to the doctor with a pain down below. Into the surgery, and sees the Doc. "Please drop your trousers, and I'll examine your testicles". Guy obliges, and the doctor carefully cups his nuts to do an examination. "You know, it's not unusual to get an erection when doing this", exclaims the doctor to which the patient replies "it's okay, I'm grand". Doctor says "I didn't mean you".

Did he by any chance have a Thai nurse?:pac:

gitzy16v

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

Pinch Flat

blade1 wrote: »

Did he by any chance have a Thai nurse?:pac:

Yeah, sounds better with that. Edited.

MonkieSocks

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"








I can barely walk, but whenever I Fart, the room smells lovely.

jeanjolie

A mother and father are snooping around their son's bedroom

Being normal parents, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything. The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe and was in shock for a few moments of silence then remarked, "Oh my god! What should we do about this?"

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

Big Boots Off

A woman is squashed up against a man in a crowded lift.
She says "I can feel your phone vibrating"
"No," he says, "That's EP"
"What's EP?" she says
"Erection and Parkinson's"

Suckit

How do you milk Sheep?
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Release another iPhone

major bill

The first rule of deaf club........Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub !

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

major bill wrote: »

The first rule of deaf club........Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub !

Bad taste.:mad:

Erik Shin

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid ****er do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later, the man comes back to the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his arse, and then eats it.
The landlord, having seen this, asks the man:. "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well, what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

jimgoose

A Polish chap goes to the optician's for an eye test. The optician points him at the test card on the wall, the first line of which is "CZWJXNYSACZ", and says "Right. Can you read that?" "Read it??" the man says, "I know the bastard - he owes me €500!"

Big Boots Off

I saw a miserable looking man, with no arms, carrying his shopping home the other day.

Felt sorry for him, looked like he was carrying a huge weight on his shoulders.

mad m

Courtesy of Ol Donnie on LLS thread.

How many ears did Captain Kirk have?

Three.

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

tayto lover

Big Boots Off wrote: »

I saw a miserable looking man, with no arms, carrying his shopping home the other day.

Felt sorry for him, looked like he was carrying a huge weight on his shoulders.

Saw a sad looking man driving a recovery truck.
I thought "that man's heading for a break-down".

chewed

My local cafe is serving Oasis soup.

You get a a roll with it.