The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jimgoose

I just got this text:

Lads, this may be of interest to you or someone you know. A friend of mine has two premium tickets with hospitality for Ireland v England on 18th March. He paid €300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at the Registry Office, on Grand Canal Street at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

everlast75

Looking forward to getting my wages at the end of this week so I can finally buy some deodorant.


Roll on Friday!

MonkieSocks

Undertakers are always increasing the price of a decent funeral and blaming it on the cost of living.

jimgoose

Three post-grads - one English Literature, one Hospitality/Catering, and one Comp. Sci. - are strolling down the street late one night after a few firkins of ale when they see a group of <HARRUMPH> Professional Ladies on the other side of the street and get to discussing some sort of formal group-term for them. English Lit. says "I think what you've got there is a Volume of Trollopes!". "Nice," says Hos./Cat. "but I'd say that's a Tray of Tarts!". "Both wrong!", says Comp. Sci. "That there can only be a String of Cache Misses!"

chewed

Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

gramar

jimgoose wrote: »

Three post-grads - one English Literature, one Hospitality/Catering, and one Comp. Sci. - are strolling down the street late one night after a few firkins of ale when they see a group of <HARRUMPH> Professional Ladies on the other side of the street and get to discussing some sort of formal group-term for them. English Lit. says "I think what you've got there is a Volume of Trollopes!". "Nice," says Hos./Cat. "but I'd say that's a Tray of Tarts!". "Both wrong!", says Comp. Sci. "That there can only be a String of Cache Misses!"

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

<lead balloon>

A rare misfire, 'twould appear. Never mind - I thought it was funny!

gramar

jimgoose wrote: »

A rare misfire, 'twould appear. Never mind - I thought it was funny!

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

It's pronounced the same as "cash", and a string of misses occurs when accessing a data structure that is not cached at all, but jokes are a bit like politics and women - if you're explaining, you're losing! :pac:

IrishZeus

gramar wrote: »

I've read 'string of Cache Misses' a few times and I just don't get it. Not computer nerdy enough it would seem!

Private Goose! I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday.
Thank you Sir!

A cash missus

everlast75

Today is International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be Wednesday, but they took longer than expected to get ready

Microdot

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed!

Microdot

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

Microdot

I went into Mothercare this morning and said to the shop assistant, "Do you sell maternity dresses?"
"Yes, sir"
She replied.
"What bust?"
I said,
"The condom"

Microdot

My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "that makes two of us"

MonkieSocks

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.

The defendant mutters, "fook all."


"What did you say?" asks the judge.

The court clerk turns to the judge and says,

"the defendant said, "fook all", your honour."


"Really?" replies the judge,














"I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

Hagar7

Luigi, a very elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

GBX

I found the wife dead in the washing machine


I'm gutted but at least she died in comfort

GBX

GBX wrote: »

I found the wire dead in the washing machine


I'm gutted but at least she died in n comfort

Not a bright spark so! :pac:

GBX

Edited

Armchair Andy

GBX wrote:

I found the wife dead in the washing machine
I'm gutted but at least she died in comfort

RIP
Hope she didn't waste the washing powder too.

whiskeyman

Armchair Andy wrote: »

RIP
Hope she didn't waste the washing powder too.

Don't be so Bold.
His wife Cil was a Fairy to many and a Dazzling woman.
Poor Cil...

con___manx1

What do you call a blonde behind the wheel ?
An air bag

con___manx1

Elton John Kylie Minogue and robbie Williams are walking down the street in London.

All of a sudden Kylie trips and goes head first into railings. She gets her head stuck between them.

Robbie sees her sexy ass sticking out and just cant resist so he pulls her nickers down and lashes her out of it.

After he is finished he turns around and says allright it's your turn now Elton.

Elton starts to cry.

Robbie asks what's wrong with you Elton?

Elton says my head is too big to fit between those railings.

gramar

I phoned a radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Great!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question,"he said. "Feeling confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then,to win 2 VIP tickets to see Liverpool play and to meet Klopp and his players after the game, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.

chewed

A horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.

He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got.”

“Why?" asks the barman. "What have you got?”

“About two euros and a carrot.”

monty_python

gramar wrote: »

I phoned a radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Great!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question,"he said. "Feeling confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then,to win 2 VIP tickets to see Liverpool play and to meet Klopp and his players after the game, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.

I don't get it?????

Jack the Stripper

monty_python wrote: »

I don't get it?????

Not a Liverpool fan.

gitzy16v

Jack the Stripper wrote: »

Not a Liverpool fan.

or is a liverpool fan

TheRiverman

monty_python wrote: »

I don't get it?????

Basically he thinks Klopp and the Liverpool players are a joke and he would be embarrassed to watch them play and meet them,so he deliberately answers incorrectly.