The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

I went into a library and asked the librarian if they had a book called,

'How to get away with committing adultery'.

"We did , " he replied, "but your wife checked it out last week."

Capt'n Midnight

Mourinho has promised Man United fans that they will be in a major European competition next year.

Even if he has to write the song himself

Capt'n Midnight

When I die I want the word humble engraved on my statues.

Trebor176

A levitating drinks cabinet has been invented.
It will lift your spirits.

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Noddyholder

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, and they’re all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it.

But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..

Noddyholder

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.

When they are relaxing afterwords, he asks, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.



‘You might be,’ she says. ‘Your face looks familiar.’

xlogo

Got a new job with the Samaritans last week. Tried to phone in sick this morning and the bastards talked me out of it!

Capt'n Midnight

2016: #Trump won't win.
2017: #Trump can't do that.
2018: This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the 1st annual Purge.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

2016: #Trump won't win.
2017: #Trump can't do that.
2018: This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the 1st annual Purge.

Is that a joke, or a prediction! :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

My new book on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.



Had a dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart, it was a logistical nightmare!





Two [lawyers] were discussing insurance. “You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance.” “The fire and theft and burglary I can understand,” said the other, “but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?”

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Capt'n Midnight

A bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation."
The madam replies "£50".
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says,
She says, "A Liverpool football shirt and a season ticket."




If money can't buy happiness then what is the point in charity?




I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive & make loads of noise.

Microdot

Our band's got a Polish roadie.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Microdot

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.
"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."
"Great, can you start Monday!!.

Microdot

They call the office printer Bob Marley...
The f***er keeps Jammin.

Microdot

I was standing at the bar in Tipperary when a Chinese man comes in, stands next to me and starts to drink a pint of Guinness.

I said to him "Do you know any of those martial art things, like Kung Fu, Karate, or Ju Jitsu"

He says "No, why you ask me that, Is it because I am Chinese"

I said "No, its because you're drinking my F**KING GUINNESS"

Microdot

The Pope visits Northern Ireland as part of his european tour, and at each town he visits he goes for a walkabout to meet with the masses congregating outside the venue. While strolling around Belfast, a local approaches him and asks "Holy Father, can I ask you what you think of County Down?".

"Well", says the Pope, "it's really good." After a short pause he adds "but between you and me, I preferred it with Carol Vorderman".

Microdot

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming to you Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80 to 1!"

Microdot

After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

Microdot

A pregnant Glaswegian woman phones for an ambulance.

" Ah need a ambulance quick, ah think the wean's comin."

" Try and stay calm madam ."

" Stay calm? Ma waters have broke ! "

" Ok. Can you tell me where you're ringing from? "

" Aye, from ma fanny right down to ma ankles. "

Microdot

A guy has spent twenty years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butcher right arm in. You butcher right arm out. You butcher right arm in and you shake it all about..."

milltown

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I went into a library and asked the librarian if they had a book called,

'How to get away with committing adultery'.

"We did , " he replied, "but your wife checked it out last week."

I asked the librarian if they had that new book on coping with a small penis.
She said "I don't think it's in yet"
I said "yeah, that's the one!"

Noddyholder

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, ‘K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better.’


Little Johnny's mother shouts, ‘Don't start your father's **** with me!’

Capt'n Midnight

Putin was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. “Hallo, Mr. Putin!”, a heavily accented voice said “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Putin asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Putin sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.” Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.”Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Mr. Putin! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

The_Valeyard

Usually it's the French for that joke.

For ever odd

“Too expensive!” “Too complicated!” “Unrealistic!” – This is the sort of criticism US President Donald Trump is currently facing over plans to build a wall along the border with Mexico. An offer from home furnishings brand, IKEA, could solve all of these problems with a single blow.
The Scandinavian furniture maker has offered the USA a practical, ready-made solution with “Börder Wåll”. All they need to do is pick it up in a van from the nearest IKEA branch and put it up where they want it to go. Totalling US $9,999,999,999.99, “Börder Wåll” is significantly cheaper than a conventional wall. Estimates suggest that a conventional wall would cost between US $15 and $25 billion.
According to government press secretary, Sean Spicer, President Trump is currently inspecting the offer:

The simple, Scandinavian designed border wall (with a 5 year guarantee) is primarily made of pressboard with a birch effect and can be assembled with the help of a hex key. A 12,000 page instruction manual with easy-to-understand pictures makes construction child’s play – as long as there is not a single screw missing.
“However, assembly requires two people: one person can hold the wall while the second screws it together”, it states in IKEA’s offer.
The basic model of the wall is 33ft (10 m) tall and 1,954 miles (3,144 km) long, although the height and length can be extended as desired.
IKEA has already announced that it will design other products in the next few weeks that will be compatible with “Börder Wåll”. According to inside sources, this includes products such as the “Gåwk” watchtower and the “Råtåtåtåtåtå” spring-gun.

MonkieSocks

A Lady interviewer with a Male Beer drinker,

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 twelve-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 12-pack cost?

Man: Roughly €10.00 at a supermarket.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that ?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a twelve-pack costing €10.00, and you consuming 3 twelve-packs a day, you are spending roughly €900 each month.
In one year,you would then be spending €10,800, correct ?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend €10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation,
15 years puts your spending roughly €162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari ?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.











Man: So where's your Bloody Ferrari Then ?

jimgoose

"Now then, young Murphy," rumbled the father of The Intended, peering over his bifocals from his rather imposing old wingback in his study at the specimen that his beloved daughter had her heart set on, "there are one or two things that you should know about my daughter before setting about this thing. Did you know she has acute angina?"

"I did, sir," replied the prospective groom, "and if I make so bold sir, a lovely little arse!!"