The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Nervous Wreck

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

Wow.

Capt'n Midnight

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

With that attitude you'd be due the punch :mad:

Mr Tibbs

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position.

coolhull

I know this is a joke site, but I am asking people on every possible forum to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!
I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

DEFTLEFTHAND

I like to call my spliff the Quaran.

If you burn it, you will get stoned.

Microdot

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say, "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon here with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

Microdot

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones i saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor, sometimes the bull wins."

In the pub last night, two blokes were discussing how their names matched their jobs.
1st bloke: "My name is Mike & I'm a singer."
2nd bloke: "Yeah, my name is Doug & I'm a gardener. Really weird ain't it!"
The two scousers sitting at the next table called Rob & Nick said **** all.

MonkieSocks

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread, before nipping to the gents'.

The barmaid places his pint on the bar.

Out of nowhere a muscular black woman appears, hops up onto a bar stool, straddles his glass and Blows Off, right into the ale.


The bloke returns from the toilet, picks up his pint, goes to take a sip and immediately wretches and heaves.

He looks around, wiping his mouth and spots the athletic black woman looking guilty at the other end of the bar.

"Oi," he shouts angrily, "You fart in my Whitbread?!"


















"No," she replies "I'm Tessa Sanderson."

Hagar7

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With that attitude you'd be due the punch :mad:

I'll be dressed up as Judy......in disguise.:)

Hagar7

sword1 wrote: »

I would think captain midnight goes through alot of jokes and gets a bit of deja vu with some of them, an honest mistake as he would need to be a computer to be sure he has not seen it before

Ahem,I think you've missed the joke.:)

gitzy16v

Hagar7 wrote: »

Theres a brand new car is being launched in Portugal today which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann.

:pac::D:D:pac:....off to hell with me

Hagar7

Why are married women fat yet unmarried single women slim?
Single women come home from work,see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home from work,see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Hagar7

Btw,in case any fat women were offended by the above joke,my wife Helga is a pound or 50 overweight .......shoite,why is she sharpening her axe.?

pangbang

Seven dwarves in a bath feeling happy. He got out, so they felt grumpy.

blueser

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alan"

coldfire1x

blueser wrote: »

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alan"

If I tell this joke to my collegue, will I be reported to HR? Might take a chance.

Oh, his name is Alan

Mr Tibbs

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common

A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

coolhull

Dear Milkman...NOTES!....................

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me, because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice!!..

branie2

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday morning?

Retired

Hagar7

I can cut a piece of timber just by staring at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Hagar7

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

everlast75

My mate just rang me in tears.

His wife had left him, taken his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish!

Poor bastard.

No woman, no sky...

shootermacg

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread, before nipping to the gents'.

The barmaid places his pint on the bar.

Out of nowhere a muscular black woman appears, hops up onto a bar stool, straddles his glass and Blows Off, right into the ale.


The bloke returns from the toilet, picks up his pint, goes to take a sip and immediately wretches and heaves.

He looks around, wiping his mouth and spots the athletic black woman looking guilty at the other end of the bar.

"Oi," he shouts angrily, "You fart in my Whitbread?!"


















"No," she replies "I'm Tessa Sanderson."

I don't get it??..

gramar

shootermacg wrote: »

I don't get it??..

Fatima Whitbread & Tessa Sanderson were both UK athletes back in the 80's

Whitbread was a brand of beer.

Now put all the pieces together.

chewed

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "Do you have any luggage?".

The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."

deandean

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

coolhull

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police."



Adam ate the apple

Men will never learn. 😜😜😂😂😂

MonkieSocks

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.


A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?


About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.


When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.


'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

coldfire1x

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time when I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody s**t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.