The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this
fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're
kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches ...But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I asked, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "Nah... She's pretty good looking'..."
Cost me a busted tooth ...But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip ... But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

*****************************
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go
ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin.
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

****************************** *************************
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think
so?"
I said, "Hell, yes! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches ... But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

everlast75

I bet on 3 horses at the Cheltenham Festival called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times but none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie...

Stigura

A new vibrator has just been invented that is So Realistic that just before a woman reaches orgasm, it cums, goes limp and finally switches itself off.

Mr Tibbs

The wife said she's leaving me over my obsession with classic American comedy shows

HAPPY DAYS

policarp

That's life.😢

Microdot

Had my photo taken with the band REM! That's me in the corner!

Microdot

I've just seen a TV for sale on Ebay, the listing said: 'TV for sale, £20, volume button is stuck on full.'

I thought 'I can't turn that down...'

Microdot

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.

Actually, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.

Microdot

After an earthquake destroyed a hotel, rescuers were searching for survivors. They hushed as they heard an Irish voice weakly filtering through the rubble. The chief rescuer asked, '' hello, who's that?'' '' Paddy'', came the response. '' and whereabouts are your Paddy?''

'' in room 139''.

GBX

Shaughnessy walked into the bookie's the other afternoon a bit agitated. This wasn't doing his stammer any good of course, so he goes up to the girl at one of the booths and begins, "Hello, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

"The first horse?" suggested the teller, helpfully.

"No, I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f..."

"The fourth horse? The fifth??" she further attemped. By this time a bit of a queue had formed.

"No! I'm trying to tell you, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

At this point the poor young one gave up and phoned upstairs for the manager. "Listen, there's this guy here with some sort of speech impediment and I can't deal with him right now, there's a queue out the door. Would you ever come down and sort him out?"

"Right," said the manager, "I'll be right there!" And down he comes.

"Now sir, I understand there's some sort of a problem. Tell me - if I were to give you €200 right now, would that sort it out?"

"Umm," says Shaughnessy, "I s-s-s-s-suppose s-s-so!"

"Right, beautiful! Here you go sir, and have a good day!"

So with that Shaughnessy leaves, and goes into the pub next door for a jar to celebrate his good fortune. The barman notices the wad of notes, as they do, and says "Good win next door then? Got any hot tips?"

"No!" says our hero. "I d-d-don't b-bet. I'm a delivery d-d-d-river. I was trying to t-t-t-tell them I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-****in' artic into the manager's Mercedes, and they gave me €200!"

moeblogs

http://www.thejournal.ie/waterford-shopping-mall-saudi-group-2-3299964-Mar2017/


"rumour has it " - John Keane

- Well butty , did ya hear the big news for the towne ?
- Na bai , whats that ?
- Jesus bai, do you not be reading the paper tall ?
- I dubai yeah .....well what's happening ?
- The saudees are building a shopping centre in Ferrybank
- Go way out of that ya big egypt , are you serious?
- I swear to God , I mean Allah ... 300 million been spent
- So someone is finally sorting out that big shopping centre ?
- Nah boy , they are building a new one on the north quays
- Jesus bai , they mus'nt have saudi one that's already there
- I know .....oman I hope they don't mecca hames of this one
- Some crack seen all the Waterford lacks in a hijab tho pal
- Too right , gonna take some getting use to this shariah law
- Christ ....if they think I'm walking around with the koran now
- Not a hope ....they better not shut down the pubs neither
- Some waste putting a glass roof on geoffs if ya cain't drink
- Unreal bai ... coming into our town and doing all this to us
- Sure them lads have some history...killing people, controlling women , punishing anyone who stands up to them
- Who's that pal .......... the catholic church ?

A Marriage is like a workshop. The men work and the women shop.

BBDBB

I bought my mate an elephant for his room

he said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

Hagar7

A father buys his wee daughter a pet rabbit, within a week it's dead.
He takes it to the vet and asks why it died.
The vet asks what it's been fed on?
The Dad says,
Cheese on toast.

Sausage on toast.

Bacon on toast.

Beans on toast.
Egg on toast and

Jam on toast
the vet says....
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Ah, it died of mixamatoasties.

Microdot

I went to a pub quiz in the neighbouring housing estate the other night. Its a bit of a rough spot and the first question that was asked was.

''What the f**k are you looking at?''

kleefarr

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to
take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and
so many things that made her recall rather than forget her
erotic mood.

She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing
bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the
fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his Body
She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to
her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost
control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I
have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it
is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

kleefarr

paulbok

I had a some wine last night that left me with diarrhea today,
Last time I'll buy a bottle of Chát Ennuf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Noddyholder

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Wardling

How do you make an octopus laugh?
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Ten tickles 😎

enda1

Noddyholder wrote: »

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

****e dictionary! (good joke though!) :P

Capt'n Midnight

In the immortal words of Socrates, "I drank what?"

whiskeyman

enda1 wrote: »

****e dictionary! (good joke though!) :P

I went hiking at the weekend and stupidly packed my dictionary instead of my maps.

I was lost for words...

MonkieSocks

A worried-looking tramp once approached another tramp and said,

“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”

Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”

“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”

“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”

“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”

“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht.
I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”

“So she’d do it with me then?”

“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”

At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.

“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”

“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again.
“What do you think she’ll charge?”

“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete.
“All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”

So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation.

Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.

“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.

Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”

“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away.
After about an hour of searching they found a huge skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.

“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new.

Good as new for a tramp anyway.”

So Gerald took the trainers and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.

“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”

So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.

“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel.
“I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed.
But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”


So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him.

He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed.

Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round.

Wow, this is good!

Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.

He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.

“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”





“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”

xlogo

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday

Capt'n Midnight

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Hagar7

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

sword1

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

I would think captain midnight goes through alot of jokes and gets a bit of deja vu with some of them, an honest mistake as he would need to be a computer to be sure he has not seen it before

everlast75

I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I rudely get awakened by the dustmen....