The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

moeblogs

http://www.thejournal.ie/waterford-shopping-mall-saudi-group-2-3299964-Mar2017/


"rumour has it " - John Keane

- Well butty , did ya hear the big news for the towne ?
- Na bai , whats that ?
- Jesus bai, do you not be reading the paper tall ?
- I dubai yeah .....well what's happening ?
- The saudees are building a shopping centre in Ferrybank
- Go way out of that ya big egypt , are you serious?
- I swear to God , I mean Allah ... 300 million been spent
- So someone is finally sorting out that big shopping centre ?
- Nah boy , they are building a new one on the north quays
- Jesus bai , they mus'nt have saudi one that's already there
- I know .....oman I hope they don't mecca hames of this one
- Some crack seen all the Waterford lacks in a hijab tho pal
- Too right , gonna take some getting use to this shariah law
- Christ ....if they think I'm walking around with the koran now
- Not a hope ....they better not shut down the pubs neither
- Some waste putting a glass roof on geoffs if ya cain't drink
- Unreal bai ... coming into our town and doing all this to us
- Sure them lads have some history...killing people, controlling women , punishing anyone who stands up to them
- Who's that pal .......... the catholic church ?

A Marriage is like a workshop. The men work and the women shop.

BBDBB

I bought my mate an elephant for his room

he said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

Hagar7

A father buys his wee daughter a pet rabbit, within a week it's dead.
He takes it to the vet and asks why it died.
The vet asks what it's been fed on?
The Dad says,
Cheese on toast.

Sausage on toast.

Bacon on toast.

Beans on toast.
Egg on toast and

Jam on toast
the vet says....
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Ah, it died of mixamatoasties.

Microdot

I went to a pub quiz in the neighbouring housing estate the other night. Its a bit of a rough spot and the first question that was asked was.

''What the f**k are you looking at?''

kleefarr

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to
take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and
so many things that made her recall rather than forget her
erotic mood.

She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing
bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the
fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his Body
She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to
her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost
control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I
have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it
is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

kleefarr

paulbok

I had a some wine last night that left me with diarrhea today,
Last time I'll buy a bottle of Chát Ennuf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Noddyholder

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Wardling

How do you make an octopus laugh?
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Ten tickles 😎

enda1

Noddyholder wrote: »

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

****e dictionary! (good joke though!) :P

Capt'n Midnight

In the immortal words of Socrates, "I drank what?"

whiskeyman

enda1 wrote: »

****e dictionary! (good joke though!) :P

I went hiking at the weekend and stupidly packed my dictionary instead of my maps.

I was lost for words...

MonkieSocks

A worried-looking tramp once approached another tramp and said,

“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”

Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”

“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”

“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”

“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”

“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht.
I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”

“So she’d do it with me then?”

“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”

At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.

“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”

“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again.
“What do you think she’ll charge?”

“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete.
“All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”

So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation.

Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.

“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.

Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”

“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away.
After about an hour of searching they found a huge skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.

“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new.

Good as new for a tramp anyway.”

So Gerald took the trainers and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.

“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”

So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.

“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel.
“I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed.
But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”


So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him.

He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed.

Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round.

Wow, this is good!

Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.

He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.

“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”





“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”

xlogo

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday

Capt'n Midnight

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Hagar7

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

sword1

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

I would think captain midnight goes through alot of jokes and gets a bit of deja vu with some of them, an honest mistake as he would need to be a computer to be sure he has not seen it before

everlast75

I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I rudely get awakened by the dustmen....

Nervous Wreck

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

Wow.

Capt'n Midnight

Hagar7 wrote: »

Oi,you posted a reply to me when I posted that joke on page 197,you were right behind me.

With that attitude you'd be due the punch :mad:

Mr Tibbs

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position.

coolhull

I know this is a joke site, but I am asking people on every possible forum to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!
I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

DEFTLEFTHAND

I like to call my spliff the Quaran.

If you burn it, you will get stoned.

Microdot

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say, "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon here with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

Microdot

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones i saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor, sometimes the bull wins."

In the pub last night, two blokes were discussing how their names matched their jobs.
1st bloke: "My name is Mike & I'm a singer."
2nd bloke: "Yeah, my name is Doug & I'm a gardener. Really weird ain't it!"
The two scousers sitting at the next table called Rob & Nick said **** all.

MonkieSocks

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread, before nipping to the gents'.

The barmaid places his pint on the bar.

Out of nowhere a muscular black woman appears, hops up onto a bar stool, straddles his glass and Blows Off, right into the ale.


The bloke returns from the toilet, picks up his pint, goes to take a sip and immediately wretches and heaves.

He looks around, wiping his mouth and spots the athletic black woman looking guilty at the other end of the bar.

"Oi," he shouts angrily, "You fart in my Whitbread?!"


















"No," she replies "I'm Tessa Sanderson."

Hagar7

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With that attitude you'd be due the punch :mad:

I'll be dressed up as Judy......in disguise.:)