The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

StormWarrior · 07-01-2013 11:44am

Just saw the last ever episode of Dora - she explored a white Transit van.

"I'm not looking forward to the funeral tomorrow," my wife said.

"Oh ****ing hell," I moaned, "I'd forgotten about that. Do I have to go? I hardly bloody knew the girl."

"Neither did I, Dave!" she shouted. "But, stillborn or not, she was still our daughter!"

Even though our daughter died five years ago, my wife still gets upset whenever I say her name.

Especially during sex

I'm considering taking over a country and putting all the Smelly , lazy , racist , ignorant , pot bellied people in it so there all in one place ...

**** it, someone's beat me to it ...!

How long has France been there ?

Eircom_Sucks · 07-01-2013 12:16pm

how do you circumcise a priest ????????

kick the altar boy in the jaw

what does INRI stand or on jesus's cross ???

IM Nailed Right In

why did cadburys make white chocolate ?????

so black kids can get dirty too

Ghandee · 07-01-2013 12:43pm

It was like music to my arse when i heard there was a cure for dyslexia.

dilallio · 07-01-2013 1:57pm

A girl goes to confession:

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a
bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son
of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her
clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into
my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know
what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES
FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Brian_Zeluz · 09-01-2013 10:43am

The new Limerick Football manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new Full forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the
Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who
he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Limerick.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum
to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You’re sorry????.....

....It’s your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!!!!"

J Cheever Loophole · 09-01-2013 11:02am

Apologies if this is already on this thread - I was going through old e-mails and discovered this one that had been sent to me;

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not
lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

beertons · 09-01-2013 1:06pm

Rang Wongs last night for a crispy duck. They weren't impressed.

--Kaiser-- · 09-01-2013 1:22pm

beertons wrote: »

Rang Wongs last night for a crispy duck. They weren't impressed.

???

admiralofthefleet · 09-01-2013 1:28pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

???

wongs burnt down

something went wong in the kitchen

beertons · 09-01-2013 1:49pm

Big fire in Dublin yesterday, it was the chinese.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-01-2013 2:06pm

I need help setting up my new TV. I couldn't figure out how to get any channels, so I set it to auto-tune and it's been showing random episodes of Glee ever since.

hollster2 · 09-01-2013 2:20pm

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.

livinsane · 09-01-2013 7:33pm

The Beatles song, "Love Me Do" was written by John Lennon after he'd had a really good haircut.

Strawberry Fields · 09-01-2013 7:47pm

When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:

I said, "I'm so ****ing horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."

"Yeah, me too" he smiled.

"**** off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."

10-01-2013 11:56pm

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Ghandee · 12-01-2013 1:08am

Heard the one about the carrot who died during the Christmas holidays(sad face )?

There was a big turnip at the funeral.

I'm ready for bed.:pac:

13-01-2013 12:23pm

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fúcks sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

13-01-2013 12:23pm

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fúcks sake, you stupid prick . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

StinkyMunkey · 13-01-2013 12:36pm

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A fridge don't fart when you take the meat out.

Strawberry Fields · 13-01-2013 3:02pm

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.

Every time I take them down there's a fcuking protest.

13-01-2013 11:36pm

Mobile Phone Etiquette

Shut them up !!!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone:
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric now doesn't use his mobile phone in public

dilallio · 15-01-2013 11:28am

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bull**** stories.

Frank Black · 15-01-2013 4:21pm

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?

'Now wot da fock would you say?'