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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

15758606263196

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,652 ✭✭✭fasttalkerchat


    Lads, please edit out your quotes!


  • Registered Users Posts: 442 ✭✭Arpa


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    A variation on the old Groucho joke
    "Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas I'll never know"

    There's something similar in another one of theri movies...

    In a hotel, picks up the phone, "Hello Room Service? Bring me a room."

    Only one I can think of right now is....

    Guy on a business trip in London walks into an Irish bar for a pint. He sees two old fella's sitting down the other end of the bar and listens in on their conversation.

    1st Old Fella - D'ya mind me asking where you're from?
    2nd Fella - I'm from Dublin.
    1st Fella - Jaysis...me too. What part?
    2nd Fella - The Liberties
    1st Fella - Feck off, really? Me too. What street?
    2nd Fella - Carman Hall
    1st Fella - Jaysis that's weird me too!
    2nd Fella - Yeah that's weird. Where did you go to school?
    1st Fella - Synge Street and yerself?
    2nd Fella - Same here, Jesus it's a small world.
    1st Fella - You're right there, what number on Carman Hall?
    2nd Fella - 52.
    1st Fella - No bleedin' way! Me too!

    Guy at the other end of the bar, perplexed by this conversation turns to the bar man and asks, "What's the story with those guys?"

    Bar man, nonchalantly shining a pint glass turns and says, "Ah don't mind them...they're the twins".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,652 ✭✭✭fasttalkerchat


    Arpa wrote: »
    Drunk twins joke

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


  • Registered Users Posts: 442 ✭✭Arpa


    Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

    Cheers.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

    The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

    "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

    She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 381 ✭✭dttq


    Well it's far from the funniest I've ever heard but I came across it recently and I like it, if simply for my attitude toward the RCC

    (Q) How do you save a drowning priest?

    (A) Throw him a boy


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 935 ✭✭✭giles lynchwood


    Two ould fellas were out walking on a country road in co cork when one said"do you see that bend,that's where Micheal Collins was killed",after a short pause the other ould fella replied "tis a bad bend allright"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,751 ✭✭✭newballsplease


    EoghanIRL wrote: »
    Brilliant

    Read the first post


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 268 ✭✭Culleeo


    Read the first post

    Thinly veiled "I want to be a moderator" post.


    I'll get my coat


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Spoken in a loud voice. :pac:

    A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.

    THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE HEADS OF LETTUCE.

    THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.

    THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.

    WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER,
    'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'

    AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED,
    'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'

    THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
    LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,

    'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER.

    WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE.
    WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

    'GREENBAY, WISCONSIN, SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

    'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

    THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP THERE.'

    'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY.'
    'NO SHÍT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY?'


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,611 ✭✭✭david75


    Ye have to sing the punchline in this one.

    So if you want to weigh a whale in a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,709 ✭✭✭✭Cantona's Collars


    Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

    If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days..



    I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

    "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

    "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,268 ✭✭✭3rdDegree


    A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

    Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

    "Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 683 ✭✭✭Scram


    3rdDegree wrote: »
    A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

    Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

    "Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

    Worst joke ever sorry but i did laugh a wee bit.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,609 ✭✭✭stoneill


    At a large hotel, there are three couples having the afters of a wedding.
    By pure chance the three grooms happen to meet at one of the bars, start congratulating each other
    and slapping each other on the back. One of them then says it's going to be a great night, the sex will be
    fantastic, all nodding in agreement.
    Let's meet at breakfast and tell each other how we go on.
    How are going to do that without letting the women know what's going on.
    When you order toast, order the number of slices that equals how many times you had sex.
    Deadly - great idea, see you in the morning.

    Next morning, the first groom asks for breakfast, and four slices of toast. Not bad.
    The second groom asks for five slices of toast. Well done.
    The third groom asks for seven slices of toast, and could you make two of them brown please.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2 del1379


    If you can make a woman laugh, your almost there but if your almost there and then she laughs thats a different thing


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 101 ✭✭domkk


    How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?........................................

    .............none!
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahshahaha:):):)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭branie


    A priest and a rabbi are having lunch together

    The priest says "when are you going to let go and have a little ham?"

    The rabbi replies, "at your wedding, father"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,876 ✭✭✭Alkers


    Stolen from facebook:

    The Black Bra:

    Three female friends were having lunch, 2 of them are unmarried (one is engaged, one is a mistress); and the other has been married for 20+ years.

    They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
    Here's how it all went.

    The engaged lady:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask.
    When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
    I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
    over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then it came to the married lady's story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
    black stockings, stilettoes, and a mask over my eyes.
    When he came in the door and saw me he said,


    "What's for dinner, Zorro?"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,083 ✭✭✭Comer1


    3rdDegree wrote: »
    A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

    Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

    "Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

    Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

    Kind of a fail on here really.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭branie


    Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

    Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,160 ✭✭✭Callan57


    branie wrote: »
    Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

    Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

    I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,288 ✭✭✭TheUsual


    Callan57 wrote: »
    I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:

    You said "roast".
    Ha ha.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,268 ✭✭✭3rdDegree


    Comer1 wrote: »
    Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

    Kind of a fail on here really.

    Sure, it could have been funnier if it was "a blonde", but the fact is, it was guy. Don't you have any respect for the truth?

    :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭civis_liberalis


    Arpa wrote: »
    Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

    Cheers.
    A punchline written by a yank if ever I saw one.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 93,127 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Relationships are a lot like algebra.

    Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,936 ✭✭✭deisedude


    What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

    Phillipe Phillop


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 611 ✭✭✭Strawberry Fields


    "Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."
    "Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
    I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."
    "I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
    He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
    "Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
    "It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
    "Don't," I replied, "I was the silly ****er who asked her to marry me."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,389 ✭✭✭mattjack


    What goes zubb, zubb, zubb ?

    A bee flying backwards .


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,536 ✭✭✭Dolph Starbeam


    I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. It's basically a win Loos situation.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,147 ✭✭✭PizzamanIRL


    On the 21st everybody's gonna be making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.


  • Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭crx===


    You know you masturbate too much when you drop your **** sock and your wife shouts from the other room "I hope that wasn't one of our good plates."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,609 ✭✭✭stoneill


    Tayto park went on fire today.
    It was burnt to a crisp.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,090 ✭✭✭livinsane


    stoneill wrote: »
    Tayto park went on fire today.
    It was burnt to a crisp.
    stoneill wrote: »
    Tayto park went on fire today.
    It was burnt to a crisp.

    Twice in one day! Now that's bad luck!

    I'd come out of the closet if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,748 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    stoneill wrote: »
    Tayto park went on fire today.
    It was burnt to a crisp.

    :(:(:(:(

    Not a bit funny. I love that place.


  • Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭yizorselves


    Love is like a fart, if you have to force it its probably sh1t


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 935 ✭✭✭giles lynchwood


    A man had two goldfish that he named one and two,one day a friend asked him why he called them one and two to which he replied " if one die's I'll still have two".:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭RebelRed90


    Whats worse than cardboard box?

    Paper tits!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    A naive young farmer lived on the outskirts of Mullingar with his widowed mother.
    A cow they reared on the farm turned out to be a vicious kicker and had to be got rid of.
    They decided that the best thing to do would be to bring her to the mart in town and sell her off to some unsuspecting stranger.
    Trade was very slow that day and the son - in desperation - ended up selling the cow to a farmer from the opposite side of the town.
    When he told his mother she was mortified and advised him to stay out of Mullingar for a very long stretch until the the deception was forgotten, otherwise he would be in serious trouble.
    Twelve years later - his poor mother now dead - the son plucked up the courage to head into town once more.
    In the square he was looking into the calf ring when when he got a pronounced tap on the shoulder and turned around to see the farmer he had sold the kicker to standing in front of him.
    "Do you remember selling me a kicking cow in this very town 12 years ago?", the farmer asked.
    Shame faced, the son had to admit that he did indeed remember.
    "Well", said the farmer, "that same cow killed my wife with a kick to the side of her head, shortly after I brought her home".
    "Oh my God"! the younger farmer was devastated. "What can I say. I'm so sorry".
    "That's all right", said the buyer. "I got married again a few years after and I was wondering if you had another cow like her for sale just now".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,006 ✭✭✭bmwguy


    What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

    Condescending


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 611 ✭✭✭Strawberry Fields


    Has anyone else's world ended yet?

    Mayan hasn't


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    bmwguy wrote: »
    What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

    Condescending

    What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

    an oscillator


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,996 ✭✭✭Duck Soup




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    chughes wrote: »

    What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

    an oscillator
    Hahaha


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    chughes wrote: »

    What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

    an oscillator

    Took me a minute- "asal"... :pac:



    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Europe.

    Europe who?

    Europe early!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,414 ✭✭✭kraggy


    branie wrote: »
    Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

    Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

    Close, but no cigar.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,733 ✭✭✭✭corktina


    Duck Soup wrote: »

    classic Clement Freud....thx for posting!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    22nd Dec 2012

    You'd notice the stretch in the evenings already!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 953 ✭✭✭Nodster


    Good news for insomniacs -

    no more sleeps 'til Christmas


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,753 ✭✭✭Vito Corleone


    A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, looking into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

    So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

    The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

    "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

    The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

    "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!"

    "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

    "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

    "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

    The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."


This discussion has been closed.
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