The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

xlogo

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Comer1

major bill wrote: »

The first rule of deaf club........Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub !

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

Bad taste.:mad:

Why, it's not like they're going to hear about it

Big Boots Off

My friends carreer is in ruins..
Its his own fault for being an archaeologist.

Wossack

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, reach over and pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

xlogo

News: Trump to visit Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican this week.

The cradles of America's three great religions -- Christianity, Judaism and Oil.

branie2

A man got fired from Pepsi

He tested positive for Coke

MonkieSocks

xlogo wrote: »

News: Trump to visit Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican this week.

The cradles of America's three great religions -- Christianity, Judaism and Oil.

byrner88

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

xlogo

must get my dyslexia sorted out. I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve. The ****ing thing won't go backwards.

Big Boots Off

WIFE: I know you're having an affair with that tart from
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

HUSBAND: How can you say that

milltown

A guy goes to the doctor complaining that his hearing is getting worse and worse.
The doc says "can you describe the symptoms for me?"
"Sure" he says, "Homer is fat and bald, and Marge has blue hair".

Microdot

An ice cream seller was today found dead on the floor of his van, covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police suspect that he topped himself

Microdot

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Mr. CooL ICE

My girlfriend was a huge fan of George Michael. She's been really down since his death so to cheer her up, I decided to do a tribute to him.

When she went to the toilet, I followed her in and started ****.

blueser

I just bought a toaster with wifi and internet access. It's brilliant apart from the pop ups.

coolhull

Dog for Sale
>

> > A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes, I do " the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"



"Because he's a lying b*st*rd. He's never been out of the garden."

BorneTobyWilde

I went into a Record Store today
I asked '' What have you by the Doors''
He said '' a bucket of sand and a fire blanket ''

Big Boots Off

Rolf Harris recounting his first night in prison

The big steel door slammed behind him and the lights went out
As he sat there sobbing he heard this voice in the darkness singing

Did you think I would leave you crying
When there's room in my bunk for two

MonkieSocks

What's a foot long.......................... made of leather........................... and sounds like a sneeze?












A shoe.

Capt'n Midnight

[Breaking news]
Theresa May has been SANCTIONED for not attending a job interview.

TheBody

Two men were arrested for masturbating in my local newsagents...

It was all over the papers.

glynf

mad m wrote: »

Courtesy of Ol Donnie on LLS thread.

How many ears did Captain Kirk have?

Three.

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

How did Spock get his head caught in the toilet bowl?



He was looking for the Captain's log.

Capt'n Midnight

"Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes"

Carry

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving across the US. Suddenly they overrun and kill a pig. Trump is a bit embarrassed and asks the chauffeur to go and tell the owner. After just a minute the chauffeur returns with $100. Trump is astonished and asks how did he do this tremendous deal. Says the chauffeur: “I said hello, I’m Donald Trump’s chauffeur. The pig is dead.”

DunnoKidz

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

fcastle

Laid in bed with the girlfriend last night when she said "I have a confession to make.... I used to be a Christian."

I said "That`s ok I have no problem with that".

She replied. "Oh that`s good. I much prefer being a Christine"

Ipso

A man goes into an antique shop with an old violin and landscape painting. The owner says "Looks like you have a constable and a Stradivarius there".
The man starts to get excited, the shop owner then says "The problem is that Stradivarius couldn't paint and Constable made sh1t violins".

Ipso

Nicolas Cage wrote: »

My girlfriend was a huge fan of George Michael. She's been really down since his death so to cheer her up, I decided to do a tribute to him.

When she went to the toilet, I followed her in and started ****.

You could always buy her a copy of the duet he done with Hot Chocolate, It started with a piss

MonkieSocks

At my hospital appointment this morning, the consultant told me I had to loose some weight before I have surgery.

He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty'.

I said, 'you mean like butter and cheese?'


He said, 'No, fatty, I mean don't eat anything!'

DunnoKidz

Hold the door for a clown





*it's a nice jester