The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

ofcork

No flights are on the rear of the darts.

JCX BXC

Oh well I tried.

Shannon757

I thought he meant the flights that are on the actual darts themselves?

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^

ah yes get it now dart flights

Noddyholder

I bet my mate 20e just now that I could make him speak like a Red Indian.


"How?" He replied.






Easy money!

blade1

My horse racing tip for today.
Broken Drum in the 2.30.
Can't be beaten!

Capt'n Midnight

My horse racing tip for tomorrow.
Maythehorsebewithu , it's starting at ten to one.

and the race isn't till five past

blade1

Who was the first black man to ride a derby winner?









Lester Piggot's cellmate!

Noddyholder

How much is your lager says Paddy,



Barmen says, 2e for a pint & 7e for a pitcher.




Paddy says, I will just have the pint, feck the photos.

Capt'n Midnight

Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks
"that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.

He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass Man Utd fan?"

thesandeman

Noddyholder wrote: »

How much is your lager says Paddy,



Barmen says, 2e for a pint & 7e for a pitcher.




Paddy says, I will just have the pint, feck the photos.

At those prices it must be a very old joke.

Damien360

thesandeman wrote: »

At those prices it must be a very old joke.

Happy hour

coolhull

It p1sses me off that so many people agree with Trump when he talks about The Wall...


Sure it's good, but a lot of other Pink Floyd albums are good too

MonkieSocks

An elderly couple,Denise and Jeffrey, were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

“How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

“How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 9 inches?”










“No, it’s turned black.

Noddyholder

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,

“So how many have you caught today?”










The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Noddyholder

Some guy knocked on my door just now and said,


"I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."



I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate."

coolhull

A wife is like a hand grenade...
Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Noddyholder

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.

Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.

We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.

The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night,

he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that

the baby has **** his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and

finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the

nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his

father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand

the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,

the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future

is in deep ****." ::eek::eek:

chewed

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?


Don't know and don't care

GBX

I just got sent an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince.

He informs me he does cover versions of Purple Rain and Little Red Corvette.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.  "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.  So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.  The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again, “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says. . "What the Hell would they want with a plasterer??!"
 

gitzy16v

Hearing that there was a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.

gitzy16v

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

Noddyholder

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just

bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'




Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave
him his £2 back....

Noddyholder

Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese.




That's because they keep walking into things like fcking McDonalds.

valoren

One early morning, in a forest, a bear is quietly taking a dump in the grass, minding his own business.
As he finishes, he see a bunny rabbit in the grass next to him, who himself begins to start his morning dump.

"Good morning", says the Bear, making small talk. "And to you Mr Bear" replies the Rabbit.
The Bear says "Don't you just hate it when the sh1t sticks to your fur??"
"No, not really" replies the Rabbit.







So the Bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit.

Microdot

Teacher : "So, Molly, what did you do this weekend ?"

Molly : "I went with my Mum and Dad to Nana's house and we had tea with her".

Teacher : "That's very nice Molly. Tim, what did you do this weekend ?"

Tim : "I went with my Dad to my first football match. It was great".

Teacher : "Well done Tim. And Charlie, what did you do this weekend ?"

Charlie : "My older brother and I bought some fireworks. We then went down to the park and stuffed them up frogs' arseholes".

Teacher : "You mean rectum, Charlie".

Charlie : "Rectum, Miss ? We blew them to fcuking pieces".

Microdot

Jack & Jill are driving down a country lane at sunset, suddenly they hit a creature... Jack asks Jill to get out of the car to see what they hit... Oh sh*t Jack, we hit a poor lickle wickle skunk... Jack says to bring it back to the car so they can drop it off at a vets in the morning... Oh Jack the poor lickle wickle skunk is shaking & shivering... Jack says it must be in shock, poor little fcuker... and that she should place it between her legs to keep it snug & warm... Fcuk that for a game of soldiers Jack, it stinks to high heaven... Well, Jill put your fingers over it's fcukin nose.

Microdot

What's the difference between a kangaroo, and a kangaroot?

One's an Australian animal, and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Microdot

My seven year old daughter Sally came running into the kitchen excitedly shouting:
"Daddy I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden!"

Humouring her I replied:
"Oh really, and what are they doing?"

Sally replied:
"They're sucking each others cocks!"