The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Glenster

Felix Jones is God wrote: »

Ahso!....Why Chinese couple speakee pidgin engrish to each other....You some ahso for such stupid joke

Because one was raised to speak Wu and one was raised to speak Yue, if they were in China they'd probably speak Mandarin to each other but they are in the West so they speak English.

byrner88

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...


They are due back at the library today.

Noddyholder

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

After the first day the husband picks her up and asks “how did you do?”.

She says, “I did pretty well, I made $200.50”.

He asks, “What asshole gave you 50 cents?”





and she replies “all of them”

Father Hernandez

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu"?

I replied, "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb"

Noddyholder

Mick decided to pay his old mate Paddy a visit.

"Bejesus Paddy!" Said Mick, greeted by a living room full of chairs,

"Where did all these frigging chairs come from?" "Doctors waiting room," beamed Paddy.



"Every time I go there the receptionist says, please take a seat."

Noddyholder

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

coolhull

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

Hagar7

Prince Phillip is visiting Leicester Square one night and is admiring all the neon advertising signs.

In one corner he spots a guy sitting in a hut beside a brazier to keep warm.

Phillip asks him "What is it you do?"
The guy replies "I'm an O watcher."
Phil says " What does that actually entail?"
The guy points to a sign that states COUNTLESS WOMEN USE TAMPAX and says
"I'm here in case the O goes out..."

COUNTLESS W_MEN USE TAMPAX

Hmmmm! :pac:

fryup

kfallon wrote: »

My wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night. I told her I was looking for Cheap flights. "I love you", she said and then she got all excited.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever....which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!

i'm sorry, but i don't get it

ofcork

No flights are on the rear of the darts.

JCX BXC

Oh well I tried.

Shannon757

I thought he meant the flights that are on the actual darts themselves?

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^

ah yes get it now dart flights

Noddyholder

I bet my mate 20e just now that I could make him speak like a Red Indian.


"How?" He replied.






Easy money!

blade1

My horse racing tip for today.
Broken Drum in the 2.30.
Can't be beaten!

Capt'n Midnight

My horse racing tip for tomorrow.
Maythehorsebewithu , it's starting at ten to one.

and the race isn't till five past

blade1

Who was the first black man to ride a derby winner?









Lester Piggot's cellmate!

Noddyholder

How much is your lager says Paddy,



Barmen says, 2e for a pint & 7e for a pitcher.




Paddy says, I will just have the pint, feck the photos.

Capt'n Midnight

Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks
"that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.

He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass Man Utd fan?"

thesandeman

Noddyholder wrote: »

How much is your lager says Paddy,



Barmen says, 2e for a pint & 7e for a pitcher.




Paddy says, I will just have the pint, feck the photos.

At those prices it must be a very old joke.

Damien360

thesandeman wrote: »

At those prices it must be a very old joke.

Happy hour

coolhull

It p1sses me off that so many people agree with Trump when he talks about The Wall...


Sure it's good, but a lot of other Pink Floyd albums are good too

MonkieSocks

An elderly couple,Denise and Jeffrey, were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

“How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

“How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 9 inches?”










“No, it’s turned black.

Noddyholder

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,

“So how many have you caught today?”










The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Noddyholder

Some guy knocked on my door just now and said,


"I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."



I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate."

coolhull

A wife is like a hand grenade...
Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Noddyholder

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.

Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.

We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.

The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night,

he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that

the baby has **** his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and

finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the

nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his

father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand

the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,

the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future

is in deep ****." ::eek::eek:

chewed

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?


Don't know and don't care

GBX

I just got sent an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince.

He informs me he does cover versions of Purple Rain and Little Red Corvette.