The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Gloomtastic!

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

And here was me thinking Bernard Manning was dead!:rolleyes:

Know any better ones.....!:rolleyes:
Perfect username though. :P

jimgoose

Deleted User wrote: »

...

:pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

gramar

Little Johnny sits a logic exam...

Q. In what war did Napoleon die?
A. The last one.

Q. The Colorado river flows through which state?
A. Liquid

Q. Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the page.

Q. What is the main cause of divorce?
A. Marriage.

CUCINA

Why is it so hard to obtain headache tablets in a tropical forest?

Because parrots eat them all!

jaykay74

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil ? Donald trump has never paid to see a lentil.

Hagar7

Guy walks into a bar,barman sez "What wud you like to drink sir?"

"A pint of heavy please."

"That's £3.00 mate," sez the barman.

"Pardon,it was you who asked me what i wanted to drink,i didnt say a word,so i aint paying a penny okay."

Barman is fuming,but the next guy in the Q is a lawyer and he sez "Actually,he is quite correct,it was you who asked him what he wanted,so legally,he is correct."

"Right,when you are both finished drinking,get out of here,you are both barred from this pub.!!!"

A year later,same guy walk's into the bar,barman sets his beady eyes on him right away. "Hey you,scram,i barred you from here,remember."

Guy replies,"So sorry guv,but i aint been in this place in my whole life,honestly."

"Gawd almighty,you must have a double then."

"Thanks,2 pints of heavy will do fine."

---

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

---

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's
not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself
on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have
it ... with
the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a
word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said .....


"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"

---

There was a Marine deployed into Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send the rest back!

---

Curly Judge

An Insightful Observation of Tolerance
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

coolhull

No racism or offence intended :

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???..:)hahaha

coolhull

No racism or offence intended :

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???..:)hahaha

Felix Jones is God

Ahso!....Why Chinese couple speakee pidgin engrish to each other....You some ahso for such stupid joke

coolhull

Felix Jones is God wrote: »

Ahso!....Why Chinese couple speakee pidgin engrish to each other....You some ahso for such stupid joke

Which is perhaps why you should read the very first sentence in the post.....

antodeco

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: Sukitaki. Mojitaka!
Wife: Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!
Husband (angrily): Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife (on her knees literally begging): Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband (Shouts angrily): Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know a word of Japanese!! You'll read anything as long as it's about sex

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

coolhull wrote: »

No racism or offence intended :

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???..:)hahaha

Why didn't they speak Chinese to each other?

coolhull

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

Why didn't they speak Chinese to each other?

Maybe they did, but then we'd have trouble understanding them. I would, anyway.

Hagar7

I'm going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'

Because you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

Akrasia

What do you call it when you can't remember what something smells like?


Amnosia


I'm here all week

Notavirus.exe

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. She's already been told twice.





(Not sexist)

Mr Tibbs

What would you call a fella with no left testicle?...

A right bollox

byrner88

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you
looking at my vagina?”

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

“Come and sit next to me,”suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, “Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?”

Stunned, Paddy replies, “You’re kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?”

jimgoose

Old Moynihan had 70 acres in Carraigthomond in the wild beyonds of Kerry. Being a bachelor with no family, he employed a couple of local lads to help him farm the place. One day, with the end of his life approaching, Moynihan decided to leave the farm to one particular hand, who was particularly loyal, diligent and skilled. So off with him the following Monday morning to town, and the solicitor.

"Certainly Mr. Moynihan", the solicitor said, "that's well and fine, but I have to tell you at this point that since you are no kin to this man, this employee, there'll be an awful lot of tax due on this transaction when it completes."

"Is that so?", says the old man, "what sort of amount are we talking about?"

"Well I'm no tax expert", the solicitor says, "but when all is said and done you're probably looking at something in the vicinity of 35-40% of the value of the farm!"

..
..

Carraigthomond's first gay wedding takes place next week.

jimgoose

My mate Murphy had been putting in 60-hour weeks at the office and his neck and shoulders were killing him. So he decided to try the massage parlour in town, run by a Chinese lady, thinking it could do no harm at this stage.

So there he was, stripped to the boxers and lying face-down on the table, the tension already fading away under the woman's skilled hands. After a few minutes however, Murphy discovered to his horror that he was sporting a substantial erection threatening to lift him partially off the table.

"OK, don't panic", he thinks, "this probably happens all the time. What to do...". So inspiration strikes, and he says, "Erm, look - I hate asking, but would there be any chance of one of these Happy Endings I've been hearing about?" "Happy Ending?", the masseuse says, looking somewhat perplexed. "Oh! I see, you want ****! Sure, no problem - I back in five minute!" she says, and sure enough disappears out the door.

"Where's she gone, I wonder. To get another girl? Some piece of equipment? A security chap the approximate size, shape and demeanour of Bolo Yeung??" wonders Murphy. After about five minutes there's a tap at the door and the same lady says...
















"You finished??"

jimgoose

Some of you will have heard of Christy Ring, known down here in the peanut-pickin' South as a handy hurler back in the 1950s and '60s. Some of the older fellas down this way like to tell the story (and like the man said, if it ain't true it oughta be) of the time Christy went on some sort of a golf "jolly" to the U.S. with (they say) Arnold Palmer. The two of them were out on the course, with Palmer explaining to Ring, who was for a change a novice, the basics of golf.

"See that little flag there, about two hundred yards out?"

"I do!" said Christy.

"That's where you're headed."

With that, Ring picked his ball from the ground like Luke Skywalker reaching for his lightsaber, and BANG! with a mighty pull, hopped it off the distant flag.

"Brilliant!" said the pro golfer, "I ain't ever seen nothing like that! Now all we gotta do is go over there and putt!"

"We'll do what, sorry?"

"Putt. Putt the ball, drop it into the lil' hole at the base of the flag."

"Into the hole? Well why didn't you tell me that a minute ago?!??"

milltown

A good catholic couple have waited until they got married before even looking at each others naked bodies. On the wedding night the wife is lying waiting in bed as the husband is getting ready. When he takes off his socks she sees that his toes are all deformed and lumpy. She asks him what the story is:
"Oh, that? I caught Toelio when I was a kid"
"You mean Polio" she says.
"No Toelio. It's a very rare disease, I'm one of the few people who ever caught it"
As he takes off his trousers she notices his knees are similarly deformed. Again she wants to know what's the craic.
"They're like that ever since I had Kneesles" he says.
"Surely you mean Measles?" the wife enquires.
"No, Kneesles" he replies "My rotten luck to pick up another of these ultra-rare diseases that few people have ever heard of"
When he takes off his underpants the wife gasps and says...
"Ah here, don't tell me you got Smallcox as well!"

The flying mouse

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm over-competitive


."Not if I leave you first," I retorted, as I raced her to the front door.

chewed

I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.

My next shít could spell disaster.

The flying mouse

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

“I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

The flying mouse

Thank feck I went to a psychic, she told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.



Best 100 euro I've ever spent...

The flying mouse

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.

The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.
Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.
The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”
The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”
The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”
She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”


The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”

The flying mouse

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better."

The husband Says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.

The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.


The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.






I doing me best :-0

kfallon

My wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night. I told her I was looking for Cheap flights. "I love you", she said and then she got all excited.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever....which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!