The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Lord Trollington

My Wife of 10 years has just dumped me for being too kinky.

I nearly spat her pi$$ out when she broke the news to me.

iLikeWaffles

What did the care-taker yell when he jumped out of the wardrobe?

SUPPLIES!

What did the barman say to the drunk who walk into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?

You can stay. Just don’t start anything.

Kermit.de.frog

I think of AH mods much as I think of unpaid interns.

TheChevron

How do I sneak sweets into the cinema?

Well, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Day Lewin

Q. How do you open the windows in an Orthodox church?

A. Just click on the icons!

Felix Jones is God

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

I went out last night dressed as a chicken, met up with a girl dressed as an egg, by the morning, a life long question was answered!

It was the chicken

wylie

Good news for insomniacs

Only three sleeps until Christmas.

Pinch Flat

wylie wrote: »

Good news for insomniacs

Only three sleeps until Christmas.

The agnostic dyslexic insomniac who used to lie awake at night wondering if there was such thing as dog.

eisenberg1

Man goes into. Chipper and says "Hi, can I have fish and chip, twice."

Guy behind the counter says "ok, I heard you the first time."

Cortina_MK_IV

My neighbour was out walking 2 little dogs this morning. I asked, "Are they Jack Russels?" "No" he said, "they're mine."

blade1

trashcan wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. ?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Pinch Flat wrote: »

The agnostic dyslexic insomniac who used to lie awake at night wondering if there was such thing as dog.

That didn't take long!

coolhull

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

Pinch Flat

blade1 wrote: »

That didn't take long!

Doh!

iLikeWaffles

wylie wrote: »

Good news for insomniacs

Only three sleeps until Christmas.

Pinch Flat wrote: »

The agnostic dyslexic insomniac who used to lie awake at night wondering if there was such thing as dog.

blade1 wrote: »

That didn't take long!

coolhull wrote: »

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I have forgotten this before.

Mark Tapley

A man with no legs ask his girlfriend if she wants him to take her home . No don't bother your arsė she replies.

Ted_YNWA

Mark Tapley wrote: »

A man with no legs ask his girlfriend if she wants him to take her home . No don't bother your arsė she replies.

She was always dragging him everywhere.

kingchess

A lady ,recovering from an abusive relationship,decided it was time for a fresh start, put an ad in the lonely heart section of the local paper -"wanted ,kind man who will never beat me,will never run away from me and must be good in bed".A week later her doorbell rang and she answered it to find a man in a wheelchair at her front door, I am here in answer to your ad he says, But you have no hands , she says. That means I will never beat you he says. But you have no legs,she says. That means I will never run away from you,he says. Well are you any good in bed? ,she asks doubtfully, And he says proudly ................... how do you think I rang the ****ing door bell.

silly_dancer

What do you call someone with no legs and no nose?


Nobody knows.

iLikeWaffles

kingchess wrote: »

A lady ,recovering from an abusive relationship,decided it was time for a fresh start, put an ad in the lonely heart section of the local paper -"wanted ,kind man who will never beat me,will never run away from me and must be good in bed".A week later her doorbell rang and she answered it to find a man in a wheelchair at her front door, I am here in answer to your ad he says, But you have no hands , she says. That means I will never beat you he says. But you have no legs,she says. That means I will never run away from you,he says. Well are you any good in bed? ,she asks doubtfully, And he says proudly ................... how do you think I rang the ****ing door bell.

HAH, not proud of it but it took me a minute!

coolhull

A woman hears someone knock at the door. She opens to see and a man asks, "Do you have a vagina??" She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again. Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, "Honey I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, "I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this." The man asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes!" replies the woman. The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's one alone and start using yours?"..

The flying mouse

On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed.
Still, he got some great wedding presents though.

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of pee over the last lot from my upstairs window, but, fck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment.
I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop!

I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo.

Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was.

Last Halloween, I shouted through to the wife "Babe, there's a witch at the door, what should I do?" She shouted back "Give her some sweets and tell her to fck off!"
My Mother-in-Law hasn't spoken to me since!

wondering "would it be wrong to hold an OCD meeting at my house just for the sole purpose of getting someone else to clean it for me?"

I RECENTLY had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising a 'Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time'. No wonder my mother has been waiting for a hip operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone's sexual lustings.

A Scouse girl goes to the dole office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Scouse girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" she says.
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Scouse girl, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Scouse girl. "I just use their surnames."

I walked into PC World and went straight to a computer. I checked my emails, did some online shopping, and finally logged into Facebook. After half an hour, a salesman approached me. "Can I help you, sir?" he asked.
"No thanks," I replied, "I'm just browsing."

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is peeing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fck happened to you?"
Paddy replies, "I went home for my pyjamas."

Conall Cernach

Mark Tapley wrote: »

A man with no legs ask his girlfriend if she wants him to take her home . No don't bother your arsė she replies.

Reminds me of the joke about the man with two wooden legs who burnt to the ground and put in an insurance claim. The company accused him of arson and said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Husband & wife...


Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife..
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in:
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?"
Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married"

Employee : Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant As the food was served,
the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home !
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook !

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Stigura

What do vegetarian maggots eat?












Linda McCartney.

Commotion Ocean

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with the light on, but you can't sleep with a hard on

Esel

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?














One plays three cords for thousands of people.

Capt'n Midnight

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. - Ancient Proverb

Overheard: "Will the musicians please come to the stage. Oh, and the drummer too."


How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
- The knocking speeds up.

- He doesn't know when to come in.



What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.



How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Pizza sign off of it.



Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.






What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.


What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.


What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The pizza can feed a family of four.



Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.


Why did the drummer move to L.A.? Because it was easier to spell.

What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that sir?"



How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.


How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.



There's a drum machine that's so much like a real drummer it even shows up late to the gig!


How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.



What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.



What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.




Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.



Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.




"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."


Did you hear about the drummer that got an AM radio? It took him a month to figure out he could also play it at night.



Why are drummer jokes so short? So drummers can remember them.

chewed

What's the best cheese to hide a horse with?












Mascarpone

coolhull

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the f***ing fridge again!