The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

Im at the local Garda station. I've been arrested and charged with drink driving. Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample. Now I'm being charged with taking the piss.

Capt'n Midnight

There was an explosion in a cheese factory. Debris everywhere.

Didas

Sado-masochism is a perversion...

and we must clamp down on it!

DEFTLEFTHAND

I'm so horny that I'm going to go home and beat my dick like it owes me money.

Capt'n Midnight

10 Fun Facts about Germany

#1 No fun in Germany. Get back to work.

coolhull

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite"...!

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

Mick phoned, . . . You left your Wheelchair at the Pub."

bnt

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

There was an explosion in a cheese factory. Debris everywhere.

You see, that's a Gouda example of what happens when you don't handle Edam cheese Caerphilly.

Cortina_MK_IV

Former Tánaiste Mary Harney has been arrested at Dublin airport. While going through the security check she bent down to fasten her shoes and a customs officer spotted 2 kilos of crack.

iLikeWaffles

Not a joke but funny a hell this dude is actually selling his keyboard keys individually for a ridiculous price. Making about 1000% profit on the price of the thing! Can just imagine a keyboard sitting on a desk with keys missing.

http://www.ebay.ie/itm/Logitech-K270-Replacement-Keys-Buttons-Sold-Individually-1-Key-Only-READ-/112188688188?hash=item1a1ef7873c:g:zDgAAOSwbYZXeFC9

Comerman

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

Former Tánaiste Mary Harney has been arrested at Dublin airport. While going through the security check she bent down to fasten her shoes and a customs officer spotted 2 kilos of crack.

She was arrested before for coming through with Phil Hogan, trying to import 25 stone of Dope seemingly.

coolhull

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! knock’s the little guy off his bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a lump hammer from Chadwick's!"

tayto lover

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

Former Tánaiste Mary Harney has been arrested at Dublin airport. While going through the security check she bent down to fasten her shoes and a customs officer spotted 2 kilos of crack.

On her wedding night she went to bed with her husband.

While making love he said " Mary do you mind if I turn the light off?"

Mary said " I didn't know you were shy".

Husband - " No, the light bulb is burning the arse off me".

Trebor176

I saw a '162 electric Nissan on its roof today. The owner turned over a new Leaf.

Cortina_MK_IV

My grandfather was an undertaker for the army...

He was a Barrack Embalmer.


Time running out for that...

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.


The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away


The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

Stigura

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?



At least Bolt can finish a race.....






:eek: Boo!!! Hiss!!! Sir! Sir! Stigura's at it again, sir! He's Triggering me!

kingchess

An old man,wearing hospital pyjamas, shuffles into the pub across the road from the hospital, and with a quivering voice orders a double whiskey,which he proceeds to finish off in one swallow,and with tears welling up in his eyes orders a second double which he quickly swallows in a matter of seconds,and with a look of intense sorrow and the tears now rolling down his face he indicates with a nod to the barman for another double, as he is about to drink this one he says conversationally to the bar man-"you know,with what I have,I really really should not be drinking double whiskies" , the Bar man leans forwards and asks sympathetically "what have you"?. the old man swallows the third double ,looks the bar man straight in the eye and whispers "I have only 20 cents"

MonkieSocks

75,000 Republican supporters have just been thrown out of a Victory Party in celebration of the President Elect.


Unfortunately someone thought it would be a good idea to start a Mexican Wave.

coolhull

A husband went to the police to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Oh ****, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door."
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry sir. We’ll find your truck.

kleefarr

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and saute'd them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.
Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,
"Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.
Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the
Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

coolhull

Duck Hunters
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

King George VI

Why did the blind woman fall into the well?

because she couldn't see that well

chewed

I used to date a girl with severe eczema.

She had cracking tits.

coolhull

A son from a poor family wins five million euros on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We've never had much in this family, we've always been poor. You know, I couldn't even afford to marry your mother."
"What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?"
"Yep," replies his dad, "and a ****ing tight one, too!!"

Sgt Pepper 64

Am I annoyed that my voice activated car is not working properly?

Yes, it goes without saying.

robarmstrong

I was in Boots shopping for some contraception not too long ago and pointed out to my girlfriend that they had golden condoms.

She loudly exclaimed I should look for silver ones and come second for a change.

The flying mouse

My local pub is pretty rough.
I went to the quiz the other night and the first question asked was, "




What the fck are you looking at?"

wingbacknr5

Dustman: Wheres your bin?

Householder: I've bin away on holidays

Dustman: I said wheres your BIN?

Householder: I told you I've bin away on holidays

Dustman: No where your wheelie bin?

Householder: Well if you must know I've wheelie bin in jail.

StinkyMunkey

What have a woman and a washing machine got in common?

They both leak when their fuked��

StinkyMunkey

Double post