The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Vowel Movement

An American comes to Ireland to buy an Irish cottage. In the far west he finds one belonging to paddy. Paddy shows him around and eventually takes him down to the bottom of the garden to let the American see the dry toilet.
On their way up the garden path the American says to paddy-"Paddy there's no lock on the toilet door".
Responds paddy "I wouldn't worry sir I have lived in this house for over 40 years and I haven't had a bucket of ****e stolen yet"

Armchair Andy

StinkyMunkey wrote:

Double post

That's funnier than the joke!

According to Facebook, I'm still alive!

Didas

My Israeli tenants say they don't want to rent from me anymore...


apparently they're sick of me addressing all correspondence to 'The Occupiers'.

Trebor176

Unfortunately, I just lost my job as a graffiti artist. I guess I should have seen it coming. After all, the writing was on the wall!

The flying mouse

duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...




"What the F##k would they want with a plasterer ??!"

robarmstrong

My Korean friend passed away this morning.

So Yung.

Birneybau

I was seeing a girl recently, she suffered with excema.

She had cracking tits.

gramar

A man and woman are chatting in a bar.
'How old do think I am?' she asks...
..'hmmm...based on your skin....25...your eyes...20....and your body..18'
'oooh..you really know how to charm a woman'
...'be quiet a minute' he says..'I'm trying to add up here...'

coolhull

We're so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.

If things get anymore worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports

blade1

coolhull wrote: »

We're so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.

If things get anymore worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports

Hang onto Sky Sports, sure doesn't she have a second kidney!!:D

Capt'n Midnight

When I were a lad, me mother would send me down
t'corner shop wi a shilling, and I'd come back wi five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.


Too many security cameras."

mansize

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!". The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Cortina_MK_IV

My Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been put off till tomorrow.

robarmstrong

"You the bomb."
"No, you the bomb."

A compliment in America,
An argument in the Middle East.

bonzodog2

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

My Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been put off till tomorrow.

Celebrate with some Putinov vodka from LIDL! Or you could do it tomorrow if that's more convenient. No pressure.

Ken.

Mod-Keep the jokes pg-13 please. Edit to add that it goes without saying that rape jokes are completely unacceptable.

robarmstrong

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Didas

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengence,


We'll see about that...

bnt

bnt wrote: »

Another Bear joke - there seem to be quite a few

I was talking to an American recently about bears actually. They were telling me best way to avoid grizzly bear attacks when out walking in certain areas is to ensure you walk with anyone who runs slower than you do.

But with Grizzly bears they said that one way to avoid attacks is to wear tiny little bells all over your clothing. So you do not take them by surprise and over take them. They hear you coming.

Another precaution you can take is to keep an eye out for Bear scat - dung - as you walk. And the way to recognise this bear dung is it tends to be full of tiny little bells.

Cortina_MK_IV

What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

coolhull

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the motorway police. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The policeman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Wales,” the policeman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

Capt'n Midnight

Roses Are Red,
Violets are Blue,
If I were bored,
I'd be reading this too

Capt'n Midnight

You learn something new every day.

Unless you go to a faith school.

Capt'n Midnight

I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bástard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

I'll take the ban actually, cheers

MonkieSocks

A computer scientist's wife asks him,

"Would you pick up a loaf of bread at the store, and if they have eggs get a dozen?"

He gets home, throws 12 loaves of bread on the counter, and says "they had eggs".

robarmstrong

My girlfriend told me that I should use the term "make love" instead of "fcuk".

What the make love is she on about?

Mr Tibbs

Wouldn't it be funny if Donald Trump gave a press interview and someone pulled a gun out just to hear his bodyguard shout, "Donald Duck."

GBX

"Mr Murphy, I have reviewed this case very carefully" the divorce court judge said, "And I have decided to give your wife €775 a week"

"That's very fair your honour" said the husband, "And every now and then I try to send her a few quid myself!"