The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Microdot

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

Claude Burgundy

Which disney character has lost their virginity.................a lad in.

Cortina_MK_IV

A boatload of refugees arrives in Lisbon only to be turned away, on to Brest, Calais but no joy. Surely Dover but no there is a new directive and they cannot dock. They sail on getting a bit lost but see land and are coming into Dublin. They are at the docks and see a man and wave at him and one of the boat crew shouts at the docker "Monsieur, please help I have 175 refugees on my boat, can you take them?" The docker looks and asks,.... "Are they on pallets?"

nootroc

RTE's Halloween special

Enda








Scary

MonkieSocks

A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana.

When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the man said,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us.

Would you very slowly pronounce where we are."

The guy behind the corner leaned over and said,








"Burrrrrrrr Gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

MonkieSocks

"A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.


For example: if she is ovulating,

She is likely attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.


However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal,

She tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a Spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected on this subject."

Alf Stewart.

Went into a bar in town this afternoon, and asked the barman how much a pint of beer was?

"€4 a pint, or €7 for a pitcher" he said.

I just ordered a pint. Fcuk him and his photo anyway.

Felix Jones is God

Why do bulimics love KFC?....
Because it comes with a bucket

fryup

An irish schools' inspector visiting a school down the country, asked a young boy in class,
'Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?'
'It wasn't me, sir', said the boy nervously.
Furious with the low standard in the class, the inspector reported the incident to the headmaster of the school.
'I asked a young lad, who knocked down the walls of Jericho, and he told me that it wasn't him'.
'The little rascal', said the headmaster,'! bet it was him all the time'.
Even more aghast! the inspector went to the school manager and repeated the story.
'Well', said the school manager, 'the boy comes from an honest family, and you can take it from me, that if he says he didn't knock down the walls of Jericho, then he is telling the truth'. the inspector couldn't believe his ears!
Finally, in despair, the inspector reported the whole affair to the Department of Education. He received the following communication:

"Dear Sir,
With regard to your recent letter concerning the Walls of Jericho, we beg to inform you that this matter does not fall within the jurisdiction of this department. We therefore suggest that you refer the problem to the Board of Works."

Cortina_MK_IV

A girl takes her boyfriend home to meet her father for the first time. As the men sit on the couch the girl goes to the kitchen to make tea. The father leans across and whispers to the lad,...
"Do you know Sinead has acute angina?"
"I know," the lad whispers back.... and she has a lovely pair of tits as well."

iLikeWaffles

How many Mods does it take to change a thread title?

100

One stands over the keyboard to change title and the other 99 say "Na, I prefair the original."

King George VI

A woman was having a shower when the door-bell rang.
"It's the blind man" he called.
That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.
"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

Cortina_MK_IV

Ciara and Niamh from Sherrif Street win a 2FM weekend away in Paris. They are at the perfume counter in a posh department store smelling different ones, asking their meaning.

"Keeeeera, smell dah!"
"Dats massif Nee-ev, what's dah called?"
So they ask the assistant and she replies, "Venez à moi."
"What's dat in English love?" They enquire...
"Come to me" replies the girl.
Ciara sniffs again and says... "It doesn't smell like come to me!"

cruais

whats the difference between a golf ball and a g spot?

A man will actually search for the golf ball

policarp

cruais wrote: »

whats the difference between a golf ball and a g spot?

A man will actually search for the golf ball

And still find nothing.

Cortina_MK_IV

Teacher asks the class, "Can someone give me a sentence using the word contagious?"

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Yes miss... My father was looking out the window this morning and the girl next door was cleaning her car with a little dish mop thing... He says... Would you look at yer woman next door cleaning her car with a little sponge... It's gonna take the c**t ages."

StinkyMunkey

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A fridge don't fart when you take the meat out😜

Capt'n Midnight

On my birthday yesterday I got a reversible jacket..........I can't wait to see how it turns out.




Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.





Mum and I both agreed it was time I had my own place.

So I kicked her out.




My wife's a huge Liverpool fan.

23 stone to be exact.




I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes.

Four-word horror stories:
Team building away day
Rail Replacement Bus Service
Tell us about yourself
We're out of milk
Someone's at the door

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.






Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

Ones an Australian animal the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.







Once again the award for the most stupid act ever was given to a man who glued his hands to the bars on a treadmill.
That's two years running now.






Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

Four-word horror stories:

We welcome President Trump.

rednik

Bloke walking through a graveyard on night, he sees Elvis sitting on top of a headstone with a rubber and a sheet of music. He asks Elvis what you up to?. Elvis answers, I am decomposing.

Panthro

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

We welcome President Trump.

First ever original joke!

GBX

Every time I'd bring a girl home dad would say "Do I hear wedding bells'
Embarrassing. Anyway, long story short ... Turns out it was tinnitus.

Four Phucs Ache

How do you make Four Phucs hangover worse?

Lump him with a wife and kids that don't give a phuc.

coolhull

A woman tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the woman begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the woman's has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune,
the tesco Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Akrasia

What do you call a hundred chocolate eclairs at a disco?


Abundance...





What do you call an exploding ice sculpture of a cow on top of Mount Everest

a bomb in a bull snowman

Day Lewin

Offered tonight by a couple of little skeletons at the front door:

"If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were in a boat and it was sinking, who would be saved?
America!"

trashcan

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. ?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Cortina_MK_IV

I had a dream Gloria Gaynor was sitting on the end of my bed...

First I was afraid...

I was petrified...