The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

I didn't get banned

robarmstrong

Sending dick pics is for amateurs...

Real men get out there and disappointment women in real life.

gramar

An auld fella brings his old tractor to the garage a few miles away who tell him they’ll need to keep it for a few days so he'll have to walk home. Before leaving town he pops into the hardware store and buys himself a bucket and a pot of paint for the gate.

As he’s walking back he meets a friend who gives him a turkey and two chickens that he owed him. As he struggles along to carry everything he’s stopped by an old woman who asks him for directions to his neighbours.

‘you’re in luck’ he says ‘I’m heading that way'. The auld wan sees him struggling and suggests putting the pot of paint in the bucket, the turkey on top and a chicken under each arm which he does and they set off. After a while they get to a forest and the farmer suggests taking a short cut.

‘ah now’..says the woman…’how do I know you’re not only taking me through here so you can take advantage of a poor old woman like meself?’

‘oh god no’ says he..’sure even if I wanted to I couldn’t with my hands full with the bucket and the paint and the turkey and the two chickens, how would I put you up against a tree and have my wicked way with you?’

‘easy’ says the auld wan..’put the turkey on the ground, put the bucket over the turkey and put the paint on top of the bucket’

‘ok’ replies the farmer ‘but what will I do with the chickens?’

‘ah for fucks sake’ she roars ‘I’ll hold the fucking chickens..have you no fucking initiative man!?’

blade1

Deleted User wrote: »

I didn't get banned

robarmstrong wrote: »

Sending dick pics is for amateurs...

Real men get out there and disappointment women in real life.

Are these 2 posts related??:eek:

patmac

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.
I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded,
"Ed that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but,
since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied.
He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment.


Deep in serious thought, he added,








"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Hagar7

Deleted User wrote: »

I didn't get banned

That's because Ant and Dec thought you were lost.:rolleyes:

Capt'n Midnight

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather."

Capt'n Midnight

I always wish that I had spent more time with Grandad.

Instead of going out playing football with my mates I should have spent some quality time visiting him and listening to him reminisce about the old days.

Instead of spending hours playing on my computer I could have gone to the shop for him, bought his favourite newspaper and brought him back some sweets.


Sadly, last month, he won the lottery and retired to Spain without giving us anything.

Capt'n Midnight

Here I am with my bottle of Tequila, waiting for life to hand me a lemon

milltown

A guy is taking a leak in a pub toilet when all of a sudden...
WHAM! The door flies off its hinges and there, in the doorway, is the biggest bloke the poor guy has ever seen. 7 foot tall and bulging, rippling muscle from head to toe and in his hand is the longest, thickest cock imaginable.
Staring at the guy, who is now peeing on his shoes, the giant swings his mammoth lad at the side of one cubicle and they all collapse like dominoes.
Still maintaining eye contact, he slams his harry hickey off the sink, which smashes into a million pieces.
Finally he speaks:
"Do you see this cock?"
"Y - y - yes" replies the terrified little guy.
"Do you know what I'm going to do with it?"
"N - n - n - no" he whimpers, "what?"
"I'm going to ram this up your @rse!" he bellows.
The guy replies...
"Oh, thanks be to jesus! I thought you were going to hit me with it."

Capt'n Midnight

Mountains aren't just funny ... they are hill areas.

Capt'n Midnight

My parents were so poor that one Christmas they could only afford to buy me a yo.

Capt'n Midnight

This weather is so bad at the minute. Freezing cold and raining. My granny just stands and vacantly looks through the window.
If it gets any worse I might let her in later on.

The flying mouse

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.


"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"



"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

Mr.Crinklewood

Paddy takes an ancient Badger home to the Antique Roadshow.

"Ooh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set".

Microdot

So I went to the doctors with hearing problems
He said " Can you describe the symptoms"
I said" Homers is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair "

heldel00

What's a Somalian's phone number?
8 0 8 0 0 2 8
Ate nothin ate nothin nothin to ate




(My husband's offering to the thread!)

coolhull

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Kate,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My friends tell me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

foxy farmer

Paddy leaves the pub to go home late one night. As he's toddling home he gets an urgent call of nature. He slips behind a tree and proceeds to relieve himself. All of a sudden a cop appears and catches him mid flow so to speak.
The guard issues him with a summons and tells him hell have to go before a judge.
After a few weeks he goes to court and is fined €40. He goes home embarrassed to face the wife.
"Well how did you get on ? " she asks Paddy.
"He fined me €40. €10 for each inch exposed.
The wife replies. "Thank God you didn't pull it out altogether so or you could have broke us"!

coolhull

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's
ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then
proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in
the dog's ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your
arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days."
My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm
using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week

Cortina_MK_IV

Father Hogan was going on holiday so he got young father Kelly to take over his duties while he was away.

All was going well and in confession nothing too drastic so he just gave 2 Hail Marys and an Our Father as penance. Then a girl came in and said she had been naughty and performed oral sex on her boyfriend the previous night. Father Kelly was stumped on what penance he should dish out. He opened the door as an alter boy was passing so he asked him, "What does father Hogan give for a blow job young lad?"

He looked around carefully and whispered... "A can of coke and a Mars bar."

Cortina_MK_IV

Esmerelda arrives home with the shopping and pulls a wok out of an Argos bag. Quasimodo looks excited and asks,
"Oh are you cooking Chinese tonight Esmerelda?"
"No" she replies, "It's to help me iron your shirts."

drunkmonkey

Bit like pearl harbour out there tonight lads, there's a nip in the air.

MonkieSocks

Woman walks into the fishmongers and says "Pound of cod please"

Fishmonger, "Sorry there's no cod", off she goes.

An hour later same woman walks in and says "Pound of cod please"

Fishmonger says "Sorry there's no cod", off she goes.

An hour later same woman walks in and says "Pound of cod please"

Fishmonger now getting pissed off says "Madam, there is no C O F D, cod"

Woman says "There is no 'f' in cod"

Fishmonger says "That's what I have been telling you all day"

Capt'n Midnight

I was at a funeral and asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"

Cortina_MK_IV

Gary Glitter is released from prison on licence and living in London with his Vietnamese girlfriend. They are walking out one morning and are surrounded by Paparazzi but jump into a taxi. His girlfriend sighs,

"Gary, you need to seek some form of judicial injunction into this obtrusive media intrusion."

"Wow," Gary replies, "You've a lot to say for a 12 year-old."

Hagar7

Hagar7 wrote: »

That's because Ant and Dec thought you were lost.:rolleyes:

Capt'n Midnight

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.




"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

bbari

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20Cent

Who did the Garda go to the protest early?

To beat the crowds.