The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Damien360

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door....


the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

Just read that out to my wife. She is not impressed

Damien360

Damien360 wrote: »

Just read that out to my wife. She is not impressed

If I tried that, I'd be wearing them!
A China crisis!

Capt'n Midnight

I just brought a great book about the Venus de Milo. Its called "A farewell to Arms"



Arsenal are 15/2 to win a trophy next season. For those of you unfamiliar with betting, that means if you bet 10 pounds you will lose 10 pounds.

Capt'n Midnight

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Capt'n Midnight

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning you get two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wished you'd got a club and a spade.




A bloke is talking to a Native American about his life.

"And what's your wife's name?" asks the chap.

"My wife is named Five Horses," says the Indian.

"That's unusual," says the bloke, "What does it mean?"

"It's a traditional Native American name," the Indian replies, "It means 'Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.'"




I discovered that Pritt Stick is terrible lip-balm, but I couldn’t complain.

knucklehead6

Damien360 wrote: »

Just read that out to my wife. She is not impressed

In fairness, telling your wife about your girlfriend isn't guaranteed to impress her.

Capt'n Midnight

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...
























































NOT IN THIS MESSAGE YOU IDIOT!


I worry about you sometimes.

Capt'n Midnight

It’s sad that Shrove Tuesday has become so commercialised. There are probably kids around who have never even heard of St Pancake.


Never hit a man with spectacles. A load of coins in a sock is much more effective.


I’m a bit worried about my new girlfriend. Even the label on her knickers says NEXT.


Went to the supermarket earlier and they’re already selling flour for next year’s Pancake day. It’s a disgrace.


Calendar fact: All seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer.
And Autumn.


This morning as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought “Any second now I’m going to get thrown out of this newsagents.”


My mate got rushed to hospital with a sports related injury. That’s what happens when you don’t pay your bookie.


Imprecise vague similes can be as irritating as I don’t know what.


I said to my wife, “Hey lard arse, what do you want for your birthday?”
She said “Don’t you get lippy.”
I said, “OK, mascara it is then.”


Breaking News: In an unexpected twist the man who took an airline company to court when they mislaid his luggage, has lost his case.


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out the patient though.


When my wife is unhappy she likes to cut herself ... another enormous slice of cheesecake.


“Hello, is that the Mental Health Awareness Helpline?”
“Yes....sorry.... you’re cracking up a bit.”


A factory making trick birthday candles burned down last week. 37 times.


The last time I did a vault, I ripped my leotard. The rest of the gang don’t think I’m cut out for bank robbery.


If I could take Abba out for lunch, I would my friend for Nandos


Got Heston Blumenthal’s new cookery book. 1 litre sulphuric acid, 1 lb plastic explosive, 8 fl oz white spirit. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.


I accidentally applied some Tippex yesterday instead of Viagra gel. I woke up in the night with a massive correction.


My wife and I were playing an impressions game,- my turn first...
Me: “You talkin to me? You talkin to me?”
Wife: “Easy-peasy, Robert De Niro.”
Me: “No. Stevie Wonder.”



(.) (.) + $ = ( . ) ( . )

chewed

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

Capt'n Midnight

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

Capt'n Midnight

The wife just asked, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?"

I said, "It's a dead Jedi."




How does batmans mother call him to dinner?




She doesn't, she's dead.




What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's witness.













“The Thirty Nine Steps”. Worst tribute band EVER.

Capt'n Midnight

As austerity continues to bite, the government has announced this year Good Friday is to be downgraded to Indifferent Friday.


The first rule of the Oedipus Club? Mum’s the word.



I went up to the hotel receptionist and said “Sorry but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.” She said “No problem sir; this is called the lobby.”



“Always the bridesmaid, never the bride”. Excellent advice for a Best Man on the pull.


FUN FACT: Lionel Ritchie wrote ‘Endless Love’ about Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Capt'n Midnight

My father drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.

It’s funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my hidden webcam in Top Shop.

I had a one night stand once that went horribly wrong. We’ve been married for 30 years.

I told my brother I wanted Old Spice for my birthday. Imagine my horror when I got home and saw Geri Haliwell lying naked on the couch.

I was playing football against the Mafia. The opposing goalkeeper said he’d kill me if I scored a goal. I wouldn’t put it past him.

My mate told me that he thought he was the worst vet in the world. I said “Don’t put yourself down.”

My girlfriend was dating a circus clown before we met. I suppose I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

I said to my doctor, “Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.”

My wife started horse riding to try and achieve some weight loss. It worked. The horse lost 30 lb in the first fortnight.

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow last night. First question was “What the f*ck are you looking at?”

I accidentally put diesel instead of petrol in my ex-girlfriend’s car. It was a nightmare getting it to light.

Being told you “really are one in a million” is nice. Unless of course it’s a diagnosis.

My 15 year old daughter has just banged her head. I’ll be taking her out of that school.

When I was younger I was scared of earwigs because I thought they actually lived in your ears. I was even more terrified of cockroaches.

I’ve found a website where you can send off old bits of gold chain for money. I’ll post a link later on.

Two guys knocked at my door and said “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said “Oh no! What’s he done now?”

I come from a very traditional family. My uncle hanged himself last Christmas Eve and we didn’t take his body down until the 6th of January.

I drove my daughter’s guinea pig to the vet’s this morning. (I’m really quite pleased with these new golf clubs).

Panthro

Be an idea to introduce a one joke per post policy...

gormdubhgorm

Panthro wrote: »

Be an idea to introduce a one joke per post policy...

Are you joking?

Panthro

gormdubhgorm wrote: »

Are you joking?

Nah, I love copy and paste jokes from elsewhere in the internet.

Just kidding!

Capt'n Midnight

Man applies for a job in a blacksmiths.
The blacksmith asks him if he had any experience in shoeing horses.
Yer man says "no but I once told a donkey to **** off.

I had a game of Angry Birds today. I told the wife and mistress about each other.

If you’re out drinking with the Beach Boys, don’t ask whose round it is......

(-_-(-_-(-_-(-_-)-_-)-_-)-_-) Careful, the Chinese mafia is watching you.

The best thing about hand gel in hospitals isn’t hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.


I wish next door’s dog wouldn’t do its business in my garden. I feel like going out there and smashing its fax machine to bits.

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f**ck off and buy my own kebab.

Did you know if you say "gullible" really slowly it sounds like "orange"



What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head? Mandy Lifeboats


I’ve always stood up for Limerick people. It’s not worth getting stabbed over a seat.


How do you hide a cow? use Cow-Moo-Flage


How do you get two whales in a car? Use the M4.



What do you call a man with two pigs on his head stood between two buildings?



“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Doorbell repair man"


The guy who invented treasure maps has died. He will be buried tomorrow, beside his Ex.


The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

I’m going to have to stop saying “How stupid can you get?” I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.


My mum used to say that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Not surprising then, that she lost her job with the Royal College of Surgeons.
Mo-hamed Alley




As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperworks already done"

Capt'n Midnight

What is the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, it's not your phlegm. :eek:

Capt'n Midnight

My mate came round last night and said, "Why is your wife playing a lute whilst riding a bike?"

I replied, "Don't worry. It's her minstrel cycle."



Two Irish builders were having an argument about which of them was the more clever. After a bit of arguing, one said “OK then, if you’re so clever, what’s the difference between a joist and a girder?” “That’s easy!” said the other. “Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.”


Breaking news: A clock factory burned down today, several employees were hospitalised following second hand smoke injuries.



My acne used to be so bad that a blind girl mistook it for Braille. Boy was my face read.


I got stopped by the police. He said “Bit of a speed merchant are we?”
I said “Yeah but I only sell drugs to my mates. Sorry.”



I’m not going to focus on the past any more...so if I owe you money, I’m sorry.




Never give money to a hospital. They’ll probably just spend it on drugs.




I was interested to read that a banana a day will help to keep your colon clean. I just wish they’d mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.




I’ve just tried chicken for the first time. It tastes remarkably like human flesh.




Tonto and the Lone Ranger go into town for a beer, but they won't let Tonto in ' No Indians Allowed'
So Lone Ranger goes in, and Tonto gets a bit cold and starts legging it up and down the high street trying to get warm.

Ten minutes later the Sheriff comes in and says...."Do you realise you've left your Injun running?"


My girlfriend and I are going to try for a baby.....although, to be honest, I think she’s got more chance than me.

Tonight’s Gandalf convention has been cancelled due to a staff shortage.







If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck & quacks like a duck, then your work in duck robotics is nearly complete. Now train it to kill.

gormdubhgorm

Panthro wrote: »

Nah, I love copy and paste jokes from elsewhere in the internet.

Just kidding!

It's the ones that are obviously American that annoy me they are not even bothered to change the spelling.

Seve OB

Panthro wrote: »

Be an idea to introduce a one joke per post policy...

Or rename the thread from best joke you ever heard to all the jokes captain midnight can find on the web

Ken.

Seve OB wrote: »

Or rename the thread from best joke you ever heard to all the jokes captain midnight can find on the web

Done.

Comerman

The Lone Ranger was riding Silver through the desert when the injuns captured him and buried him up to his neck in the sand and left him to die. The lone Ranger whistled for silver who came over, leaned down and the Lone Ranger whispered in his ear. Off sped Silver and arrived back with a beautiful buxom "lady" who proceeded to kneel in front of the Lone Ranger and grind hersef into his face. After ten minutes she stopped and left. The lone ranger whistled again for silver who came over, leaned down and the Lone Ranger whispered in his ear, I said POSSE you fuppin eejit.

Capt'n Midnight

I’m often asked what makes a good tongue twister. Well, it’s hard to say......

I couldn’t hold back the tears when my dad walked me down the aisle. “It’s OK.” he whispered. “We’ll go to Tesco. They never run out of vodka there.”

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of my gambling. ... I won a fortune at poker and moved to Florida.



This morning my kettle jumped out at me and shouted “Boo!” I think it’s fitted with an element of surprise.





If you want to buy marijuana – press the hash key now.

My paranoid schizophrenic girlfriend dumped me yesterday. She said “It’s not you......Or me......It’s them.”


“Oh well. Onwards and Upwards.” – The world’s worst SatNav.


I’ve learned something. When arguing with my wife, if I’m armed only with facts and logic, then I’m completely f *cked.

.
Eye doctor: “Read the lowest line that you can on the chart.”
Me: “Made in China.”


Damn you Autocorrect. DAMN YOU TO HE’LL.

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she said she’d like something from The Body Shop. I hope she likes this Ford Fiesta nearside front wing.


Colonel Mustard has invited me to the conservatory to see his candlestick collection. I dunno...I’ve got a bad feeling...

Hammer89

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

My 15 year old daughter has just banged her head. I’ll be taking her out of that school.

Capt'n Midnight

Just got back from a friend's funeral
He was killed after being hit by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


My mate just fired his Eastern European Housekeeper, it took her 5 hours to hoover the house - it turns out she was a Slovak....



It was many moons ago that I first started dropping my trousers at people.



Have you had a trip down Memory Lane recently? YOU COULD BE ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION. CALL NOW.


Polish cuisine isn’t up to much so if you’re travelling to the Euros you’d be well advised to take a Warsaw Pact lunch.


Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.


My uncle Pete lived by the sword and died by the sword. Sadly ‘The Sword’ was a pub. He staggered out of it pıssed one night straight under a bus.


I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. The last time I did that I ran over a cyclist.



I could never exactly pinpoint why I failed my acupuncture exam.




I’ve got no problem with genetically modified food; I’ve just had a lovely leg of salmon.


As my late grandad used to say, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”



Antique shopping won't make you gay but it might make you buy curios.



My Casio keyboard will only let me play Wagner. I suspect it might be a Nazi synthesiser.

Capt'n Midnight

I was watching the telly the other night when I flicked over and caught the end of a Japanese football match. All the subs and squad members were on the side lines throwing punches and kicks into the air, and doing strange moves. I couldn't work out what was going on until I realised that the match had gone into ninjary time.



When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.



This is strictly off the record but the stylus on my gramophone keeps jumping.


I just managed to put 14 watches on. I clearly have too much time on my hands.

Remember the rule: - ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘Old McDonald had a farm’.


I told the undertaker that I wanted Cliff Richard played as my coffin goes through the curtain, He said “OK, it’s your funeral.”

I’ve always given shopkeepers the right money. So no change there.


I once overdosed on amphetamines. I was rushed to hospital and made to work the night shift.

I lost my job at the garden centre soon after my boss brought a customer over to me and said “He wants decking.”


My wife’s weird. Last week she said she didn’t mind me having a tattoo. Now she’s complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.



"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.



“You Tolkien to me?” – Hobbit de Niro.

I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said “Don’t go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn’t read it yet.”


Hotel receptionist: “Would you like a wake-up call?”
“Yes”
“Well, you’re at least a stone overweight and you’re not getting any younger.”



My mates believed my story about how an octopus holds onto things. Suckers




I call myself an ‘event organiser’ but the judge insisted on ‘pyromaniac’.



My wife and I share the same sense of humour.

We have to, because she doesn't have one.

My wife is so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phone book!


looks around, nil sí anseo ,,,,

Capt'n Midnight

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'

The barman says, 'why, the long face?'



Wilbur and Orville Wright had the first known cases of man flew.



Just seen some statistics on the most common way that people walk when drunk...it’s staggering.



Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


As a teacher I have to be very careful with my marking. So I usually target the ribs and kidneys.



My girlfriend finally laid all her cards on the table, and told me she had an abusive father and cancer.

She always beats me at 'X-Factor Top Trumps'.








Great news for insomniacs, only 3 more sleeps till Christmas!

Capt'n Midnight

Beach Violence

Guys,

I really couldn't believe my eyes or ears, so I thought I'd share my experience with you all, hoping that you never need to witness such an event!

I was up visiting the in-laws last weekend (near Blackpool) when I saw a bit of a fracas break out on the beach front.
There was a chap stood on the sand looking a little red faced and angry with what appeared to be his partner also in a temperous state, shouting at each other.
This you may think is nothing out of the ordinary but then the guy started swinging at his wife/girlfriend.... and when I say swinging, I mean punching....i.e proper hay makers, head butts and all.

This went on for a few good minutes before the old bill turned up and intervened.

Intrigued, I watch on but could not believe my eyes when I saw the man laying into his wife with a stick as soon as the policeman turned his back.

I and a crowd of others who had gathered, watching this saga unfold couldn't quite believe what was unfolding here!

We watched on as the man systematically beat the women, who seemed to be egging him on the more he hit her.
The policeman pulled the man aside to have words and subsequently arrest, but as soon as his back was turned the man again began beating his wife.

The woman had obviously had enough by this stage and began to retaliate with her fists, punching the man in the face.

The policeman got involved yet again, but unbelievably the woman turned on the policeman and started assaulting him.

The policeman then drew his truncheon and began to what appeared to be defend himself.

The policeman then launched an attack on both the man and woman with his truncheon.

The crowd that had gathered began cheering and taunting the policeman also, to which the couple replied with a volley of assaults on the policeman.

Then a crocodile arrived on the scene and legged it with the sausages!!!