The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

cantdecide

I was told I needed to get a hearing aid fitted a few years ago but I never heard anything after.

rolliepoley

After being married to Tom for forty years, Sally asked him to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife...A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

wilhelm roentgen

Two old women were sat on a beach when a male streaker runs past....

One had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

Capt'n Midnight

The boys and I are going out as the England Rugby team for Halloween.

We're not dressing up, we're just going out early.

eviltwin

A sexist, a racist and an idiot walk into a bar.

The barman says, "what can I get you Mr Trump"?

cantdecide

*All that time in the gym seems to be paying off; I keep hearing people say 'what an ass' as I walk away...















*Not impossible I read this on this thread at some stage

Qualitymark

Indian man gets off the train in Belfast, and instantly two wee Loyalists jump him.

"Where are you from?" says one.

"Actually, I'm from India."

"Where in India?" says the other, with a menacing shake of the Indian's collar.

"Delhi."

The first one shakes his fists in the air and screeches: "That's LONDONDelhi."

silverharp

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Qualitymark

silverharp wrote: »

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

But it's still not that easy to tell them from racing cyclists.

Hagar7

It's a good job that we have venetian blinds or it would mean curtains for the lot of us.

coolhull

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

whatawaster81

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

rolliepoley

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

RoadhouseBlues

Not really a joke, but I saw this written on a music poster and thought it was great:-).

Bloody foreigners. Coming over here demanding to know what love is.......:-)

coolhull

After a night on the beer, Mick and Paddy visit a brothel
The Madame takes one look at them and says to the girls, ‘‘Just give them a couple of blow-up dolls.These lads are too drunk to know the difference.’’
During the walk home, Mick says to Paddy, ‘’Jaysis, my one never made a sound or moved. I think she was asleep’’
‘’You’re lucky’’, says Paddy, ‘’I think mine was a witch’’
‘’A witch? What makes you think that?''
‘’Well’’, says Paddy, ‘’ I gave her a bite on the @rse and she flew straight out the window!’’

dg19

what do you call a knacker with a watch on??

A Time Traveler

XplaygirlX

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

gramar

eminemlover wrote: »

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

I can't wait for the punchline to this one!

blueskys

Speaking of music, there's only two or three Motown bands i really like.
Maybe four tops.

eminemlover

eminemlover wrote: »

How do you do the smileys on boards from a phone??

Like this

just type

SVJKarate

I saw her in the bar that night wearing the #1 Liverpool jersey.

I knew straight away she was a keeper.

coolhull

The teacher asked each child to stand up and describe the type of job their Daddy did.
There was great excitement as each child stood, one by one, and told everyone what their Daddy did for a living.
Amid all the shrieking and laughter, teacher noticed that little Tommy sat there quietly, sad and unsmiling.
‘’Tommy, ‘‘said the teacher, ’’ would you like to tell us all what your Dad does in his job?’’
Shame-faced, Tommy stood and announced, '‘My Daddy is a stripper in a gay club, Miss.’’
The children hushed and remained silent as little Tommy continued, ’’ Sometimes he doesn’t come home at night at all and Mommy is very sad because she knows he’s selling his body for money’’
The other children, quiet and open-mouthed now, gasped in wonder and pity at little Tommy.
The teacher, sensitive to the situation, quickly dismissed the class, telling them they could go out and play.
In the ensuing silence she walked over to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulder and asked quietly, '‘Is all that true, Tommy?'’
Sniffling and wiping at his tear-stained face, Tommy shook his head.
‘’No, Miss.You see, Daddy plays for the England Rugby team, but I was too embarrassed to admit it.’’

Capt'n Midnight

Hollywood executives: Four more Transformers films to be released over the next decade.










Unless our demands are met.

kupus

Wife had a go at me for only talking about football and asked what I thought about Syria.

I replied it's between Juventus and Roma this year

MonkieSocks

coolhull wrote: »

The teacher asked each child to stand up and describe the type of job their Daddy did.

Reminds me of this one from a long time ago, hope I remember it ok.

The teacher asked each child to stand up and Rhyme the type of job their Daddy did.

Tommy stood and said:

“My Father Is a Policeman.

He wears a shirt of Blue.

He also has a Badge and Hat.

And carries a Pistol too”

“Well done Tommy” said the Teacher, “you must be very proud of your Daddy.


Then she asked Freddy to recite his little ode.

He went.

““My Father Is Not a Policeman.

He wears no shirt of Blue.

He collects his Dole on Tuesday.

And goes on The Piss till Two”

rolliepoley

Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home
in London.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be
in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the Thames ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the
extent of his holdings.

As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,

"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such
a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this
property…………..

"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The a**ehole had a window cleaning
round."

UnitedFan31

A primary school class was being taught English one day and the teacher introduced them to the word "contagious".
"Can anyone give me an example of where they heard this word before?" she asked.
A small girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "when my sister had a cold I got sick as well because it was very contagious"
"That's right" said the teacher, nodding her approval, anyone else have an example?
One boy shouted "diseases are very contagious". "Right as well" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else heard this word before?"
A young boy at the back slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny", said the teacher, "where have you heard this word before?"
"Yesterday miss" replied Johnny. I walked home from school and noticed that the lawn had been cut. When i walked inside I asked my mum, "who cut the lawn?" and my mum said,
"Your father did, but it took the c*nt ages"

Capt'n Midnight

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Notavirus.exe

I know a place where everyone is dying to go!

[Insert name of local cemetery here]