The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

coolhull

Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you hope it's only your leg.

moeblogs

An elderly Donegal man is stopped by the Gardai around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Garda officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife.

donegal_man

Why are blonde jokes so simple?

So brunettes can understand them

Mr Tibbs

The man who invented Velcro has died
May he RIP

MonkieSocks

A white guy and an Asian guy walk into a cafe; the waiter asks what they would like.

The white guy says: A tea and a Scone

The Asian guy though, asks for a 'short back and sides'.

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "Some blonde highlights".

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone
too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "medium on top and short on the sides".

This time the waiter is irate and asks

"What the hell is wrong with him"...the white guy replies








"He doesn't know much English, only speaks hair-du"

coolhull

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'

Hotblack Desiato

Q. Why was Elvis known as The King?





A. He died on the throne.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

con___manx1

Kylie minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street in London suddenly kylie trips and goes head first into railings and gets her head stuck.Robbie sees her bent over and stuck so he drops his pants and gives it too her. After he is finished he says to Elton its your turn now. Elton starts crying and Robbie says what's wrong with you Elton. Elton says my head is too big to fit between those railings

Hotblack Desiato

6 - Don't double post.
7 - Don't carelessly use caps lock.

K.Flyer

Two red-necks are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He is not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy quickly whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"Hello, eh, I think my friend is dead" he yells, "What can I do?"

The 911 operator says, "Ok, calm down. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There's a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Confucius Did Not Say:


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. .


"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"

MonkieSocks

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff,







b'doom, tssh.

rolliepoley

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here."

rolliepoley

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

rolliepoley

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

rolliepoley

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez...
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

rolliepoley

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet ****s itself."

rolliepoley

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .'I think the man would have said -

'Well, I'll be f*cked!! A talking pig!'

rolliepoley

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

coolhull

I walked through the whole house, turning off all the lights.

Ok, you might not approve, but the way I see it, it's a case of... my lighthouse, my rules

K.Flyer

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and at the top of his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The bar erupts as the other pub patrons cheer the last downed pint as the Texan looks on in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies,

"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

rolliepoley

Disappointed

She's single and she lives right across the street. I can see her
place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

She said, "Great ! Could you watch my dog??"

Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!

Capt'n Midnight

This joke is at least 30 years old.


Sam was late trying to board a plane in La Guardia. He was running
through the airport carrying two large, heavy suitcases. A man stopped
him and asked for the time. "It is 6:45," says Sam. "Wow, that is a nice
watch, smartphone " the man says. "Oh, that is nothing", Sam says. "If I press this
button, I get the time in every time zone in the world. And if I press
this one, it becomes a calculator that also converts currency
exchange rates." "Amazing!" states the man.

Sam continued, "And by pressing here, it actually talks to me and I can watch TV.
All I have to do is press these two buttons
and the map zooms out to give me the entire state of New York. It
also translates 18 different languages.

"I can't stand it," the man says. "I have to have it. I will
give you $15,000 right now, on the spot." Sam thinks to himself, "Well,
I only have $6,000 in parts in it. I could sell this one, make a profit,
and then make another one". Sam turns to the man and said, "You got a
deal". The man pays Sam, takes it and begins walking away. "Wait,
wait" shouts Sam "You forgot the batteries".

Fox_In_Socks

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This joke is at least 30 years old.

I don't get it?

Fox_In_Socks

Fox_In_Socks wrote: »

I don't get it?

the two suitcases carry the batteries for the watch.

edit, something like this http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TSoLA-VJSKU/Tl-nJ10JO9I/AAAAAAAAAO0/bu6sKEZlsiA/s1600/first+car+phone.jpg

M.T. Cranium

A climate scientist, a priest and a rabbi went into a bar.

Well the priest and the rabbi went into a bar, the climate scientist went into the world's largest brewery.

---

A climate scientist met a woman at a club.

"You're so hot, and it's all because we failed to follow through on Kyoto."

---

A climate scientist got into a cab.

"To the airport, and quickly, my train leaves in half an hour."

K.Flyer

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

rolliepoley

The wife rang me today and shouted, "Where the feck are you???"
I replied, "Well, you know that jewelers where you saw those diamond earrings that you loved?"
"Yes" she said, in a much softer voice.
"Well, I'm in the pub just across the road from it."