The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

coolhull

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party!”

sligojoek

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb.

Dard23

Mary had a little lamb
that was all white and frisky
It caught the foot and mouth disease
and now it's black and crispy.

TheLastMohican

A religious zealot named Harriet
Dream't she was raped in a chariot
By sixteen sailors, nine monks, four tailors
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot

johnny osbourne

why did the chicken take ketamine?



to get to the other side

chewed

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Comer1

chewed wrote: »

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Too soon man

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb
the doctor was suprised;
but when McDonald had a farm,
you shoulda seen his eyes!



Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
Every time the lamb got out,
The sheepdog tried to ... put it back in again.




Mary had a little sheep
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would ... fall off.




Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was red as red,
The reason for this was because
It had a pickaxe through it's head!



Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day
and now she's taking laxatives
To pass the time away




ary had a little skirt,
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt,
The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt,
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.





Mary had a little lamb,
so her father shot the shepherd.

rolliepoley

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

K.Flyer

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die.
In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh at any of them.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the second step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the twentieth step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she bursts out laughing.
God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

coolhull

Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you hope it's only your leg.

moeblogs

An elderly Donegal man is stopped by the Gardai around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Garda officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife.

donegal_man

Why are blonde jokes so simple?

So brunettes can understand them

Mr Tibbs

The man who invented Velcro has died
May he RIP

MonkieSocks

A white guy and an Asian guy walk into a cafe; the waiter asks what they would like.

The white guy says: A tea and a Scone

The Asian guy though, asks for a 'short back and sides'.

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "Some blonde highlights".

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone
too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "medium on top and short on the sides".

This time the waiter is irate and asks

"What the hell is wrong with him"...the white guy replies








"He doesn't know much English, only speaks hair-du"

coolhull

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'

Hotblack Desiato

Q. Why was Elvis known as The King?





A. He died on the throne.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

con___manx1

Kylie minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street in London suddenly kylie trips and goes head first into railings and gets her head stuck.Robbie sees her bent over and stuck so he drops his pants and gives it too her. After he is finished he says to Elton its your turn now. Elton starts crying and Robbie says what's wrong with you Elton. Elton says my head is too big to fit between those railings

Hotblack Desiato

6 - Don't double post.
7 - Don't carelessly use caps lock.

K.Flyer

Two red-necks are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He is not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy quickly whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"Hello, eh, I think my friend is dead" he yells, "What can I do?"

The 911 operator says, "Ok, calm down. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There's a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Confucius Did Not Say:


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. .


"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"

MonkieSocks

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff,







b'doom, tssh.

rolliepoley

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here."

rolliepoley

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

rolliepoley

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

rolliepoley

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez...
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

rolliepoley

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet ****s itself."

rolliepoley

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .'I think the man would have said -

'Well, I'll be f*cked!! A talking pig!'