The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MonkieSocks

I won my first cage fight last night!























The fookin budgie didn't know what hit it!

banjobongo

They are making a new movie about the Volkswagon scandel. Tom Cruise is going to star in it. It will be called Emission Impossible.

Seve OB

Man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm.
Say's to the bar man, "give us a pint please"
"Oh, and I'll have one for the road"

Capt'n Midnight

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac.

The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

Capt'n Midnight

I was looking for a runaround for the wife and the salesman showed me an old Ford Fiesta. He started it up and the exhaust blew a gust of black sooty smoke.

"There's a lot of fumes, " I said to him.

"Yes, " he said, "just like a Golf. "

Capt'n Midnight

Volkswagen senior management appear quite calm as they face this testing time.

Inside though, they're secretly fuming.

M5

Dard23 wrote: »

I was full sure that was going to be "they've both had miss piggy!"

I had read do many of those I found the misdirection hilarious!

johnny osbourne

one alone,

that is noty nice

but; ona alone, and the with another one and then alone again,

that is nice,

(translated from german)

ectoraige

johnny osbourne wrote: »

one alone,

that is noty nice

but; ona alone, and the with another one and then alone again,

that is nice,

(translated from german)

Mmmm... Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and not get that one, yeah.

MonkeyTennis

Those crazy Germans

donegal_man

Was that translated by the character from the Monty Python sketch?

donegal_man

donegal_man wrote: »

Was that translated by the character from the Monty Python sketch?

Probably been translated by migrants!

TheLastMohican

There was an old fellow from Tring
When somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd
But I cannot tell 'God
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King'.

There was an old gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "There is the one thing I do know
A woman is fine
A sheep is divine
But a llama's is numero uno."

coolhull

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

Capt'n Midnight

Have you been mis-sold TDi?

Capt'n Midnight

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

Capt'n Midnight

I couldn't help but smile when the dentist told me my teeth were too big for my mouth.

MonkieSocks

Splashed out on some lacy knickers the other day, didn't realise I'd have to pay for them!

Curly Judge

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

coolhull

A man and his wife were driving home along the back roads when they were stopped by the Gardai. They examined his tax, insurance, licence and NCT. They checked his lights, tyres, and brakes.
Finally they said, ‘’Everything’s grand, Sir. It’s just a job we have to do, I’m afraid. Sorry for delaying you, and we wish you luck on the rest of your journey.’’
The man started swearing and cursing at the Guards.
‘’ Yizzer sorry for delaying me? Yiz are in your arse sorry! The country is overrun with all sorts of gougers, drugs are everywhere, and people are being burgled every night of the week. And all youse fcukers are doing is stopping decent people going about their business. Youse are afraid of the real criminals. Yiz are a lazy cowardly pack of bollixes, everyone one of youse.’’
The man’s wife leaned across the passenger seat.
‘’Ah God, I’m awful sorry, Guards. Don’t mind him……….
Sure he always gets like this when he has a bellyful of drink on him’’

Severard

Anime is proof that two nukes was not enough.

gumbo1

Panda walks into a brothel and asks for a woman. Madam behind the counter says he should be out having sex with other pandas. Panda says he's exploring his sexual and that he would like to have sex with a woman an do sent mind what she looks like. After a bit of convincing she decides to let him at it. Top of the stairs first door on the right. Off he goes happy out. Few minutes later the Madam is a bit worried and goes to check everything is alright. She opens the door a crack and sees the girl spread eagle on the bed, panda down munching carpet. Girl seems to be alright with it. Away Madam goes to the counter.
Bout 10 minutes later panda strolls down the stairs, lil grin looking pleased with himself. Saysthanks to the Madam and makes ffor the door without paying. Madam shouts after him that he has to pay, panda keeps going Madam heads after him and stops him. Demands paying for services rendered! Panda says, you really don't understand pandas do you? Should look it up! And walks off. Madam goes to dictionary, p p p panda, eats shoots and leaves.


Best told over a pint or two!!

MetalDog

So it turns out that Jeremy Kyle's wife has been having an affair.

It must have been so easy for her, knowing where her husband was at 9:30 am every morning.

whatawaster81

I'm going to start taking feminists more seriously from now on....

For years they've been telling us that men are ****ing pigs.

How to give up smoking in one easy lesson!

sell the VW

coolhull

The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.

So if you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get the FCUK off the beach.

tayto lover

coolhull wrote: »

The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.

So if you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get the FCUK off the beach.

And if you see me from a distance give me a big wave.

rolliepoley

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

coolhull

Where there's smoke..... there's a Volkswagen Polo

whatawaster81

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a s**t."