The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

Notavirus.exe wrote: »

I know a place where everyone is dying to go

Checked it on google maps and it's the dead centre of Dublin

coolhull

Paddy Englishman walked into a bar.

Usually there would an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman too, but they were still at the Rugby World Cup.........

Shannon757

coolhull wrote: »

Paddy Englishman walked into a bar.

Usually there would an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman too, but they were still at the Rugby World Cup.........

That joke doesn't work anymore

josephryan1989

Two men who were best friends had two horses but neither could tell them apart.
One of the men decided to cut off his horse's tail but the other man's horse lost its tail in an accident.
At their wits end they went to a wise old man who lived up in the mountains for advice.
"It's perfectly simple. The black horse is two hands taller than the white horse."

Clonmel1000

Ireland are going to win the Rugby World Cup.

fr336

I hate it when job interviewers ask me "Where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

I mean, it's not like I have 2020 vision...

rolliepoley

I went in to the pub to night and shouted HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

the barman says its the 18th of October you nut

I said bloody hell my misses will kill me!! I have never been this late before..

rolliepoley

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

rolliepoley

A rescue team finds a crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. The survivor says, “You can’t judge me for this. I had to survive.” The leader of the rescue team says, “But Jesus Christ, man… your plane only went down yesterday!”

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb.
We've heart that tale before,
but then she passed her plate along
and had a little more.

TheLastMohican

Hmmmmm!

Mary had a little lamb

And her father shot the shepherd!

rolliepoley

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

cantdecide

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag

blade1

cantdecide wrote: »

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag

I thought the answer was going to be "I don't know, they both suck"

josephryan1989

An Irishman and a monkey were sent on a mission to Mars.
Before blast off they were given two sealed envelopes.
As they were leaving Earth orbit the monkey opened his envelope.
"As you begin your departure activate final burn before jettisoning final rocket stage. Uncouple module cover and activate the automatic navigation computer after detaching command and sortie vehicle from obsolete launch vehicle. During sortie ensure all life systems remain operational. Check on solid fuel propellant daily and ensure egress suit packs are operational during voyage. Good luck we are all counting on you!"
The Irishman opened his envelope.
"Feed the monkey."

Capt'n Midnight

There once was a man
not spinally erect.
An unpoetic opening
but politically correct.

Busted Flat.

josephryan1989 wrote: »

An Irishman and a monkey were sent on a mission to Mars.
Before blast off they were given two sealed envelopes.
As they were leaving Earth orbit the monkey opened his envelope.
"As you begin your departure activate final burn before jettisoning final rocket stage. Uncouple module cover and activate the automatic navigation computer after detaching command and sortie vehicle from obsolete launch vehicle. During sortie ensure all life systems remain operational. Check on solid fuel propellant daily and ensure egress suit packs are operational during voyage. Good luck we are all counting on you!"
The Irishman opened his envelope.
"Feed the monkey."

Most were US pilots never heard of an Irishman in space except at closing time. That could explain US pilots not hitting targets in ISIS territories.

Capt'n Midnight

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West."
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now."

josephryan1989

A Soviet factory worker became something of a celebrity when he grew a mustache because of his uncanny resemblance to Josef Stalin.
When Stalin got word he flew into a rage.
"Shoot him!"
Only Beria, his feared police chief, dared to speak up.
"Couldn't we just give him a shave?"
"Ok then. Shave him and then shoot him!"

josephryan1989

josephryan1989 wrote: »

A Soviet factory worker became something of a celebrity when he grew a mustache because of his uncanny resemblance to Josef Stalin.
When Stalin got word he flew into a rage.
"Shoot him!"
Only Beria, his feared police chief, dared to speak up.
"Couldn't we just give him a shave?"
"Ok then. Shave him and then shoot him!"

Knowing Stalin's reputation, this might not be a joke......

mahoganygas

What's 18 foot long and smells like piss?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The front row of Live at 3.

Comer1

mahoganygas wrote: »

What's 18 foot long and smells like piss?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The front row of Live at 3.

Anybody who gets that joke probably has incontinence issues by now too.

thesandeman

Comer1 wrote: »

Anybody who gets that joke probably has incontinence issues by now too.

But we're still Going Strong.

Buford T. Justice XIX

thesandeman wrote: »

But we're still Going Strong.

Holding strongly would probably be a better way of putting it...

kupus

Little jimmy with a grin,
drank up all his mothers gin,
His mother said when he was plastered,
get to bed ya little .....d

Capt'n Midnight

mahoganygas wrote: »

The front row of Live at 3.

Live at 3.

Dead by 4.

dilallio

Bought a blow-up doll in the local sex shop and brought it home.
When I tried to inflate it I discovered that the bloody thing was punctured.
Brought it back to the shop and complained:
"I paid €20 yesterday for this, and when I blew it up, it went down on me!"
The guy says: "If I knew it could do that, I'd have charged you another tenner!"

Hagar7

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had cat,
Tommy Cooper came along and killed them both,
Just like that

MonkieSocks

My Granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.









"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he said.

BattleCorp

There was a woman from Clare,
Who couldn't piss through her hair,
When along came an Italian,
With balls like a stallion,
And now she can piss like a mare.

There once was a woman From Eider,
Who pissed in the eye of a spider,
The spider got mad,
He took out his lad,
"Be Jaysus" says the spider, "I'll ride her".