The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

Little known fact;
There is a play-off for fifth place in the Rugby Word Cup.
It is called the Six Nations.

coolhull

Oscar Pistorius will be celebrating his release to home arrest by getting legless and doing some shots in the bathroom.




What? Too soon?

It's those blondes again

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door Neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.


One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"


A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?""Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."


A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart. The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.



Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Sunnyisland

I remember for my 18th birthday, my ma said to me "All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, I said "Ma, all these boxes are empty..."





"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the **** out."

Sunnyisland

A lot of things bother me lately,

Such as "Why are we here?

Is there an afterlife?

Whats the meaning of it all"

and "Who the **** hung the poster back up in the cell at the end of The Shawshank Redemption after andy dufresne escaped?"

Sunnyisland

When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl would either have to kiss you or give you a penny instead

By the time I was 16 I owned two bleedin houses.

Sunnyisland

Last one promise

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a really close call yesterday.

I walked into B & Q Liffey Valley at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on, asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately for me, I got the first punch in and sorted the old bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on....

Sam Kade

BattleCorp wrote: »

There was a woman from Clare,
Who couldn't piss through her hair,
When along came an Italian,
With balls like a stallion,
And now she can piss like a mare.

There once was a woman From Eider,
Who pissed in the eye of a spider,
The spider got mad,
He took out his lad,
"Be Jaysus" says the spider, "I'll ride her".

On my way down from Clare
I met the girl with blonde hair
I gave her a shilling and she was willing
I gave her a crown and she lid down on the table
And on it went a few inches below the navel

There was a young woman from Ealing
Who got an unusual feeling
She lid on her back
And opened her crack
And p1ssed all over the ceiling

Hagar7

realies wrote: »

When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl would either have to kiss you or give you a penny instead

By the time I was 16 I owned two bleedin houses.

What period were they?:D

Hagar7

How do you get an Essex girl up on a roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house.

coolhull

Paddy and Mick find three live grenades and decide to take them to the Police station in the back seat of the car
Mick : ’’ What happens if one of the grenades explode before we get there?’’
Paddy : ‘’We’ll lie and say we only found two’’

rolliepoley

Murder at Morrison's

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the coin as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Morrison's store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The Manager of the Produce Department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Produce Manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..



(You're going to hate me for this)














'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT MORRISON'S !'

rolliepoley

I just spotted my neighbour topless sunbathing in their garden. I was enraged and immediately threw a bikini top over the fence and shouted - "Cover up, there's children around and they don't want to see those huge flapping things." He told me to **** right off.

Charlie19

My local gym are getting rid of their exit signs.

They're on the way out.

rolliepoley

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Notavirus.exe

Jack and Jill went up a hill,
So Jack could lick her candy,
Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
'Cause Jill's real name was Randy.

TheLastMohican

"At a seance", said a young blade named Post,

"I was being sucked off by a ghost

So I switched on the lights

To find - there in gauze tights -

On his knees, was Tobias mine host".

rolliepoley

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dumb arse!'

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Charlie19 wrote: »

My local gym are getting rid of their exit signs.


Supposedly they're going out.

That's supposed to end - They're on the way out.

Charlie19

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

That's supposed to end - They're on the way out.

That sounds a bit better.

Edited now

coolhull

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party!”

sligojoek

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb.

Dard23

Mary had a little lamb
that was all white and frisky
It caught the foot and mouth disease
and now it's black and crispy.

TheLastMohican

A religious zealot named Harriet
Dream't she was raped in a chariot
By sixteen sailors, nine monks, four tailors
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot

johnny osbourne

why did the chicken take ketamine?



to get to the other side

chewed

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Comer1

chewed wrote: »

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Too soon man

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb
the doctor was suprised;
but when McDonald had a farm,
you shoulda seen his eyes!



Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
Every time the lamb got out,
The sheepdog tried to ... put it back in again.




Mary had a little sheep
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would ... fall off.




Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was red as red,
The reason for this was because
It had a pickaxe through it's head!



Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day
and now she's taking laxatives
To pass the time away




ary had a little skirt,
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt,
The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt,
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.





Mary had a little lamb,
so her father shot the shepherd.

rolliepoley

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

K.Flyer

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die.
In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh at any of them.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the second step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the twentieth step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she bursts out laughing.
God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”