The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Curly Judge

Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove
And seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan And had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.


The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said:
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers
And I voted twice for Obama."

Seve OB

I actually got it the first time

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk person

Sunnyisland

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.






Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

chughes

realies wrote: »

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.



Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

I don't think Irish Water will install meters on Mars. Just as in many estates around Ireland IW will find there's a bad atmosphere there.

Miss Demeanour

My friend asked me earlier if I would ever stop singing Wonderwall......
I said maybe......

Busted Flat.

realies wrote: »

Sky News - NASA reports, Running water found on Mars.






Irish water has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

NASA announced they had discovered Liquid water, when did water cease to become liquid, Ice maybe.

deandean

chughes wrote: »

I don't think Irish Water will install meters on Mars. Just as in many estates around Ireland IW will find there's a bad atmosphere there.

Naw, Irish Water will be installing meterites on Mars. ☺

Charlie19

My mate Gavin has suddenly died after an overdose of heartburn tablets.








I cant believe Gavisgon...

rolliepoley

Fcuking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a **** and I'm the pervert?

Mr Tibbs

I was on the edge of my bed this morning pulling off my boxers
when the wife said, you're spoiling those dogs

Nodster

A petrol station owner in a small town was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read..... “Free Sex with Fill-Up”

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close,
the number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
“I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.”

Paddy replied,“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all, the wife won twice last week!”

coolhull

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous, she figured she would break him out of this crazy habit, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated leisure device...a vibrator. Hard and wonderful, larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "you impotent bastard" she screamed, "how could you lie to me all of these years? you better explain yourself"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly

"I'll explain the toy......you explain the kids"

K.Flyer

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde thinks for a moment and replies, "How do you give shoulders?" 

MonkieSocks

A Yorkshireman walks into a jewellers.

"Can tha mek a statue o' me dog?"

"Aye, I reckon a can". He replies. "Does tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay mate. I want it chewin' bone".

fr336

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

fr336

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

fr336

Deleted User wrote: »

Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

This is lost on me but thanks anyway

Wossack

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

fr336

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

You could have shortened that joke to "the England team".

Guffaws all round!

fr336

Deleted User wrote: »

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

Joke's on me. For eternity.

Wossack

Wossack wrote: »

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

Well, they're going to be sent to Coventry anyway. :pac:

Hagar7

Doctor went fishing one afternoon & not wanting to close his clinic left his asistant Murphy in charge.
Doc cames back and then asked Murphy how did he get on.
Murphy says, "I had 3 patients, 1st had a headache so I give her paracetamol." "good man" says doc. "2nd had indigestion so I gave her gaviscon." "well done." said doc. "3rd was a young gorgeous woman who burst into the room, took off all her clothes and lays on the table, spreads her legs and shouts "Please please help me, i havn't seen a man in 5 years!"" "Mother of Jesus Murphy! what did you do?" asks the doctor, . . . . "I put drops in her eyes."

Hagar7

Chief Executive of Dulux has been found frozen to death whilst on a trekking holiday in the Himalayas.

Medics on the scene stating he should've taken two coats.

Hagar7

Charlie19 wrote: »

My mate Gavin has suddenly died after an overdose of heartburn tablets.

I cant believe Gavisgon...

I posted that joke on CelticMinded.com about two years ago,one of the best laughs in years.....someone recently brought it up again.....

Originally posted by Celtic Rebel View Post
Ano,some right zoomers on here,a mind the time I posted that my big mate Gav had died.
He'd been suffering with heartburn for ages and had passed away during the night,and I posted "R.I.P. Gav is gone."
Three pages on folk were still posting condolences after I said it was a joke.
Then a few got upset and telt me tae feck off.
Frangie was the best though,called me all the B's under the sun after saying Gaviscon = Heartburn.:)

Capt'n Midnight

England have a new coach.














It'll be taking them to the stadium on Saturday.

Capt'n Midnight

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

Capt'n Midnight

Manchester United lost yesterday because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind.

Capt'n Midnight

Jesus was very tolerant and forgiving towards people...

Although if he had been born a midget I can't help feeling that they would have made him a little cross.

Happyman42

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years. One day I got a phone call to say he got fired for stealing!


At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.