The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

I was on the edge of my bed this morning pulling off my boxers
when the wife said, you're spoiling those dogs

Nodster

A petrol station owner in a small town was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read..... “Free Sex with Fill-Up”

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close,
the number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
“I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.”

Paddy replied,“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all, the wife won twice last week!”

coolhull

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous, she figured she would break him out of this crazy habit, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated leisure device...a vibrator. Hard and wonderful, larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "you impotent bastard" she screamed, "how could you lie to me all of these years? you better explain yourself"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly

"I'll explain the toy......you explain the kids"

K.Flyer

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde thinks for a moment and replies, "How do you give shoulders?" 

MonkieSocks

A Yorkshireman walks into a jewellers.

"Can tha mek a statue o' me dog?"

"Aye, I reckon a can". He replies. "Does tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay mate. I want it chewin' bone".

fr336

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

fr336

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

fr336

Deleted User wrote: »

Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

This is lost on me but thanks anyway

Wossack

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

fr336

fr336 wrote: »

The England team have a new captain.

His name's John and he'll be flying them home this week.

(Borrowed from last year when England crashed out of the football world cup...)

You could have shortened that joke to "the England team".

Guffaws all round!

fr336

Deleted User wrote: »

They're already home, Where is he taking them? Syria??? :pac:

Joke's on me. For eternity.

Wossack

Wossack wrote: »

doesnt really work when englands the host nation...

Well, they're going to be sent to Coventry anyway. :pac:

Hagar7

Doctor went fishing one afternoon & not wanting to close his clinic left his asistant Murphy in charge.
Doc cames back and then asked Murphy how did he get on.
Murphy says, "I had 3 patients, 1st had a headache so I give her paracetamol." "good man" says doc. "2nd had indigestion so I gave her gaviscon." "well done." said doc. "3rd was a young gorgeous woman who burst into the room, took off all her clothes and lays on the table, spreads her legs and shouts "Please please help me, i havn't seen a man in 5 years!"" "Mother of Jesus Murphy! what did you do?" asks the doctor, . . . . "I put drops in her eyes."

Hagar7

Chief Executive of Dulux has been found frozen to death whilst on a trekking holiday in the Himalayas.

Medics on the scene stating he should've taken two coats.

Hagar7

Charlie19 wrote: »

My mate Gavin has suddenly died after an overdose of heartburn tablets.

I cant believe Gavisgon...

I posted that joke on CelticMinded.com about two years ago,one of the best laughs in years.....someone recently brought it up again.....

Originally posted by Celtic Rebel View Post
Ano,some right zoomers on here,a mind the time I posted that my big mate Gav had died.
He'd been suffering with heartburn for ages and had passed away during the night,and I posted "R.I.P. Gav is gone."
Three pages on folk were still posting condolences after I said it was a joke.
Then a few got upset and telt me tae feck off.
Frangie was the best though,called me all the B's under the sun after saying Gaviscon = Heartburn.:)

Capt'n Midnight

England have a new coach.














It'll be taking them to the stadium on Saturday.

Capt'n Midnight

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

Capt'n Midnight

Manchester United lost yesterday because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind.

Capt'n Midnight

Jesus was very tolerant and forgiving towards people...

Although if he had been born a midget I can't help feeling that they would have made him a little cross.

Happyman42

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years. One day I got a phone call to say he got fired for stealing!


At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.

Capt'n Midnight

England out of the rugby world cup. Kit sponsors VW are said to be fuming.

Capt'n Midnight

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

rolliepoley

A man and his wife went to the doctor.
The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely.

He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction.

Finally he said 'OK, come back out when you are dressed'.


Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

Capt'n Midnight

I'm disappointed with the new haribo Star Wars selection.

They're all chewy.

moose3844

Whats worse than a hole in your condom?.................... A condom in your hole

fryup

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

frag420

fryup wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

Seve OB

frag420 wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

hardly a joke

Mr Tibbs

50 Shades of Grey was showing in the local cinema, so two old women decided to go and see for themselves what all the fuss was about
Halfway through the film one old woman turned to her friend and said. Mary, the fella next to me is masturbating. Ignore him he's only a dirty old pervert
I can't, he's using my hand

foxy farmer

A detective from Dublin was on holidays in Kerry. One night he couldn't sleep and decided to take a wander down town in the early hours. To his amazement despite it being past 2am the pubs were all open and busy.
There was a uniformed guard directing traffic outside one particularly busy pub so the detective approached him and asked, "What time do the pubs close around here?"
"Usually around the end of October" says the guard.