The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

eisenberg1

A shop on Southside.

Customer " I would like some pepper please"

Shopkeeper " of course sir, black pepper or white pepper?"

Customer "Toilet pepper"

K.Flyer

A young office junior was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young lad, delighted to help the boss and hooefully make an impression.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, Excellent!"
said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."

MonkieSocks

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”











The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

philstar

here's a cracker from carry on abroad....:pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Bi2cYEU5s

Miss Demeanour

eisenberg1 wrote: »

A shop on Southside.

Customer " I would like some pepper please"

Shopkeeper " of course sir, black pepper or white pepper?"

Customer "Toilet pepper"

Like that creche on the southside.......













......i.e. the accident between two cars......

eisenberg1

eisenberg1 wrote: »

The joke is "what's a crèche?"

It's when two cars collide on the Southside:)

Miss Demeanour wrote: »

Like that creche on the southside.......













......i.e. the accident between two cars......

That one?

jimgoose

eisenberg1 wrote: »

That one?

Since when do Southside Dubs have a Boer eccent yish??

Capt'n Midnight

Two blondes were walking through a forest when they came across some tracks.

"they're fox tracks" said one

"no they're rabbit tracks" said the other.



they were still arguing when the train hit them

Curly Judge

Subject: Fw: The New PC Royal Navy




The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a
"non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”

K.Flyer

A lady walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"I have to ask you, but what do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband." the lady calmly replies.
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" replies the pharmacist, shocked by her answer.
The lady opens her purse and lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, looks at it for a moment and nods.
"My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

Hagar7

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis, but I worked both sides of the Mississippi !!!

Hagar7

His Final Request

Texas has so many inmates on its Death Row, they finally had to start executing them two at a time.

On this day, a cowboy and a biker are brought to receive their sentence.

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a Final Request.

"Yew betcha, Warden," the cowboy replies. "I'd be mighty grateful if you'd play 'Achy Break Heart' fer me one last time."

"Yes, we can do that for you," the Warden says, before turning to the biker. "Do you have a Final Request too?"

"You better believe it," the biker says. "Kill me first!"

Hagar7

What does a Tibetan Buddhist monk eat for breakfast?
.
,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
An ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.let, of course.

Hagar7

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome , Italy . One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Hagar7

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

rolliepoley

A man walks into a jewellers, puts his hand down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole.

The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you're doing and get out!"

The man says "Make your fcuking mind up, you've a sign on the window that says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."

fr336

How do you call a dinosaur in for its dinner?

Tea, Rex!

idnkph

Why did humpty Dumpty push Mrs Dumpty off the wall???




He wanted to see her crack

MonkieSocks

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.






"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fookin didn't."

rolliepoley

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
His dick was a flower
and his arse was covered in weeds.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

coolhull

A pretty young girl from Dundee
Was impregnated by an ape in a tree
The kid was quite horrid
All arse and no forehead
Three balls, and a purple goatee

rolliepoley

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

rolliepoley

A very successful TD parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a Garda in a Garda car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ....lights flashing.
Before the Garda had a chance to ask any questions, the TD started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the TD finally wound down from his rant, the Garda shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you TDs are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the TD.
The Garda replied, "Don't you even realize that your right arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the TD.
"My Rolex!"

rolliepoley

Pulled a gypsy bird last night and she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.
She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train, and left with a goldfish.

Neighbour called over earlier, furious. He asked if I had seen who was stealing his wife's underwear from the clothes line.

I got such a fright I nearly shat her knickers.

M5

What do David Cameron and Kermit the frog have in common?

They're both muppets.

Dard23

M5 wrote:

What do David Cameron and Kermit the frog have in common?

I was full sure that was going to be "they've both had miss piggy!"

coolhull

With all these stories coming out about Volkswagen, I'm starting to wonder was "Herbie Rides Again" even a true story

Back in the day, lorry drivers used to deliver Volkswagen radiators on the return trip.