The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get
a good view of her land so she started to climb
the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor. He listened to her story then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She sat and waited for three
hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area."

Hagar7

Bride insists on bringing parrot on honeymoon.

Bridegroom says to the parrot that he'd better keep his back turned if he doesn't want his cage darkened the whole time. "OK, boss" says the parrot and turns his back.

All goes well till trouble with an overfull suitcase when it's time to go home.

Bride: I'll get on top and push down.

Bridegroom: No good. I'll get on top and push down... Phewww!!! ~~ Still no good. We'll both have to get on top and push down.

Parrot: Honeymoon or no honeymoon -- this I've got to see!

Hagar7

I am passing this on to this thread because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

Yours,Hagurrrrr xxxx

breffni bogballer

2 gays about to get down and dirty,when 1 is called into work,as he leaves he tells his partner not to **** while he is out. 2 hours later he returns home to find a large puddle of cum on the floor, i taught i told u not to **** he said, i didnt says his partner i farted

Audit4Lyf

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:"Looks like he’s still ****ing celebrating!!"

Hagar7

Pig swaggers into a pub nodding a ball on its head.
Barman is livid and says 'Oi pig face,I barred you from this bar a week ago,get out and never show your pugly face in here again.'
So the pig swaggers back outside and there's a guy standing at the bar who pipes up to the bartender, 'never thought I'd see the day when Bastian Swinestagger gets kicked out of here bud.'

kupus

What was Ghandi's first name.


Goosey goosey

ClovenHoof

kupus wrote: »

What was Ghandi's first name.


Goosey goosey

Are you a Tabloid sports page editor?

sharkman

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

XsApollo

A woman got wooden implants yesterday,
It would be funny if this joke had a punch line wooden tit.

XsApollo

I once saw a woman with 12 nipples.
Sounds really strange,
Dozen tit

XsApollo

..

K.Flyer

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party. That evening the wife gets a terrible headache and tells her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good-time to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, but unknown to him that she knew what his was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks things were starting to really heat up between them and, without saying a word, he took her by the hand and let her off to the car park where they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

mahoganygas

Q. What does a northside girl do when she comes?

A. Drops her chips.




Q. What does a southside girl do when she comes?

A. Drops her accent.

coolhull

mahoganygas wrote: »

Q. What does a southside girl do when she comes?

A. Drops her accent.

A southside girl doesn't ''come.''..... She ''arrives.''

eisenberg1

coolhull wrote: »

A southside girl doesn't ''come.''..... She ''arrives.''

She does when she is with a northsider;)

everlast75

What's a crash?

Somewhere South Siders drop their kids off to be minded...

eisenberg1

everlast75 wrote: »

What's a crash?

Somewhere South Siders drop their kids off to be minded...

The joke is "what's a crèche?"

It's when two cars collide on the Southside:)

Capt'n Midnight

What's sex ?

It's what southsiders keep potatoes in.

chughes

What's the difference between northside girls and southside girls?


Northside girls have fake furs and real orgasms.

eisenberg1

A shop on Southside.

Customer " I would like some pepper please"

Shopkeeper " of course sir, black pepper or white pepper?"

Customer "Toilet pepper"

K.Flyer

A young office junior was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young lad, delighted to help the boss and hooefully make an impression.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, Excellent!"
said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."

MonkieSocks

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”











The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

philstar

here's a cracker from carry on abroad....:pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Bi2cYEU5s

Miss Demeanour

eisenberg1 wrote: »

A shop on Southside.

Customer " I would like some pepper please"

Shopkeeper " of course sir, black pepper or white pepper?"

Customer "Toilet pepper"

Like that creche on the southside.......













......i.e. the accident between two cars......

eisenberg1

eisenberg1 wrote: »

The joke is "what's a crèche?"

It's when two cars collide on the Southside:)

Miss Demeanour wrote: »

Like that creche on the southside.......













......i.e. the accident between two cars......

That one?

jimgoose

eisenberg1 wrote: »

That one?

Since when do Southside Dubs have a Boer eccent yish??

Capt'n Midnight

Two blondes were walking through a forest when they came across some tracks.

"they're fox tracks" said one

"no they're rabbit tracks" said the other.



they were still arguing when the train hit them

Curly Judge

Subject: Fw: The New PC Royal Navy




The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a
"non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”

K.Flyer

A lady walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"I have to ask you, but what do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband." the lady calmly replies.
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" replies the pharmacist, shocked by her answer.
The lady opens her purse and lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, looks at it for a moment and nods.
"My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"