The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ken. · 10-09-2015 2:24am

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls
come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible
not to
look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
"No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and
they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each
other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice
on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.

Mr. CooL ICE · 10-09-2015 2:40pm

After an Arab emirate discovered reserves of oil, they needed an influx of workers to cope with the construction demands to take advantage of their new find. Fleeing the depression, a large influx of migrant workers from Cork arrived to help with construction.

Within a few years, the infrastructure was built with such quality that the emirate's GDP quadrupled. The Sheikh, being absolutely thrilled with the performance of the workers, approached the large group of Cork migrants to show his appreciation.

Sheikh: "Please do me the honour of allowing me to name our new state after your homeland"

One migrant replied: "Do, booyy!"

invicta · 10-09-2015 3:18pm

A Traveller came back to the caravan after school.
Momma,momma, he cried,"I've the biggest Mickey in third class!
Is dat cos I'm a traveller,Momma?
Mother looks at him and says....

No,Johnny, dats cos your 18!!

Mr Tibbs · 10-09-2015 9:16pm

An old dog teaching mathematics to a young dog
Son there's eight bones on the plate
If our owner takes away three
How many fingers will he have left

luketitz · 10-09-2015 9:28pm

Why didn't Rover bark?

...

....

.....

......

'cause he's a goldfish!

MonkieSocks · 11-09-2015 4:15pm

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.

"I'm here to eat some apples." says the cow.

"But this is a pine tree!"

"I know, I brought my own apples."

Witchie · 12-09-2015 12:59am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.

"I'm here to eat some apples." says the cow.

"But this is a pine tree!"

"I know, I brought my own apples."

This made me laugh harder than it should have! Love it!

:D:D

coolhull · 12-09-2015 1:12am

So the wife suugested that we play a harmless bedroom game. She went off and got dressed up as a nurse.
But I think she took things a bit too far.

Right now, I'm out in the hall, lying on a trolley, and I've been since 11 am

MonkieSocks · 13-09-2015 9:58am

Paddy's wife comes home from work to find all her sex toys nailed to the wall

"You stupid fookin man, I asked for a Dado Rail"

13-09-2015 11:23am

My uncle was in the old IRA, went in the run, hid in a house in an alcove covered with wallpaper.

He was never caught but he was decorated twice.

Hagar7 · 13-09-2015 6:36pm

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get
a good view of her land so she started to climb
the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor. He listened to her story then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She sat and waited for three
hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area."

Hagar7 · 13-09-2015 7:07pm

Bride insists on bringing parrot on honeymoon.

Bridegroom says to the parrot that he'd better keep his back turned if he doesn't want his cage darkened the whole time. "OK, boss" says the parrot and turns his back.

All goes well till trouble with an overfull suitcase when it's time to go home.

Bride: I'll get on top and push down.

Bridegroom: No good. I'll get on top and push down... Phewww!!! ~~ Still no good. We'll both have to get on top and push down.

Parrot: Honeymoon or no honeymoon -- this I've got to see!

Hagar7 · 13-09-2015 7:20pm

I am passing this on to this thread because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

Yours,Hagurrrrr xxxx

breffni bogballer · 13-09-2015 8:37pm

2 gays about to get down and dirty,when 1 is called into work,as he leaves he tells his partner not to **** while he is out. 2 hours later he returns home to find a large puddle of cum on the floor, i taught i told u not to **** he said, i didnt says his partner i farted

Audit4Lyf · 13-09-2015 8:58pm

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:"Looks like he’s still ****ing celebrating!!"

Hagar7 · 13-09-2015 10:59pm

Pig swaggers into a pub nodding a ball on its head.
Barman is livid and says 'Oi pig face,I barred you from this bar a week ago,get out and never show your pugly face in here again.'
So the pig swaggers back outside and there's a guy standing at the bar who pipes up to the bartender, 'never thought I'd see the day when Bastian Swinestagger gets kicked out of here bud.'

kupus · 14-09-2015 9:35am

What was Ghandi's first name.

Goosey goosey

ClovenHoof · 14-09-2015 11:37am

kupus wrote: »

What was Ghandi's first name.

Goosey goosey

Are you a Tabloid sports page editor?

sharkman · 15-09-2015 5:20pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

XsApollo · 15-09-2015 7:40pm

A woman got wooden implants yesterday,
It would be funny if this joke had a punch line wooden tit.

XsApollo · 16-09-2015 7:44am

I once saw a woman with 12 nipples.
Sounds really strange,
Dozen tit

XsApollo · 16-09-2015 7:44am

K.Flyer · 16-09-2015 12:27pm

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party. That evening the wife gets a terrible headache and tells her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good-time to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, but unknown to him that she knew what his was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks things were starting to really heat up between them and, without saying a word, he took her by the hand and let her off to the car park where they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."