The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7 · 06-09-2015 11:47am

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."

foxy farmer · 06-09-2015 1:09pm

A dangerous mental patient escaped from a high security hospital. He assaults a woman later that evening who is locking up her launderette. He flees but is later arrested by the cops. The local paper runs the following heading about the story
Nut who screws washer and bolts is nailed.

coolhull · 06-09-2015 8:07pm

Paddy goes for an interview for a job as a Council road worker.
The interviewer asks, "Do you have any allergies?"
"Just one, says Paddy. "I'm totally allergic to tea and coffee. Just can't drink them at all"
"Fair enough", says the interviewer. "To me, you look like an ex-Army man. tell me, do you have any military experience?"
"Strange you should ask that," answers Paddy. "I spent twelve years in the British Army"
" I thought so, did you see any overseas action? "
" Sure did, " said Paddy." I served n Iraq. Actually it was there that an incendiary bomb exploded, and blew off both of my testicles"
"Sorry to hear that," says the interviewer. "But anyway I think you'd be perfect for us. The job is yours"
" Great," says Paddy.
, " OK, now the crew clocks in at eight in the morning, but you needn't start till ten o'clock."
"But why is that?" asks Paddy, confused.
"Well, to be honest" says the interviewer, "the men are supposed to begin work at eight, but they usually spend the first two hours sitting around, drinking tea and scratching their balls.
So you'd be only in their way.....

Curly Judge · 08-09-2015 12:44pm

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

smash · 08-09-2015 12:45pm

^^

They're jokes?

tayto lover · 08-09-2015 2:23pm

Curly Judge,

I couldn't spot the differences in your 2 posts so where are they?

myshirt · 08-09-2015 3:08pm

What do we want?

Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

GrumpyMe · 08-09-2015 3:27pm

My doctor didn't seem too pushed about giving me a rectal examination for prostate cancer - he suggested I put it on the long finger...

08-09-2015 6:44pm

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

08-09-2015 6:44pm

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

MonkieSocks · 08-09-2015 7:30pm

Bloke in a Pub necking Whisky like it’s going out of fashion

"You Ok, mate"- Barman

"I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"

"Oh really, what happened “asks the very curious barman.

"I caught my wife getting shagged of my best friend"

"So what happens next?"- Barman

"I told her to pack her bags and fook off"

"What about your best friend?"- Barman

"I looked him straight in the eye and said....

BAD DOG, NO BISCUITS

RayCon · 08-09-2015 7:31pm

Deleted User wrote: »

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

I laughed

RayCon · 08-09-2015 7:32pm

Deleted User wrote: »

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

I laughed

rolliepoley · 08-09-2015 9:12pm

"Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem."
"I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep."

"Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not at home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her knickers out of her handbag and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

efb · 08-09-2015 9:22pm

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

X6.430macman · 08-09-2015 9:28pm

rolliepoley wrote: »

"Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem."
"I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep."

"Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not at home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her knickers out of her handbag and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

LOL. ask your trustfull wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kingchess · 08-09-2015 10:21pm

An old man wearing a hospital gown goes into the pub across the road from the hospital, and with tears in his eyes orders a double whiskey,drank it and ordered another,drank that as well and with a trembling hand pointed to the whiskey again,and as the bar man handed him his third double whiskey in as many minutes,the old man said "with what I have,I should not be drinking," The Bar man, intrigued, leaned in and asked in a sympathetic voice ,"what have you ?. " The old man put his head down and whispered " I have only 25 cent".

09-09-2015 9:51am

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?
finding a condom in your hole!

Hagar7 · 09-09-2015 11:18am

Deleted User wrote: »

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

Congrats to both couples and twins.👍👍👍

Hagar7 · 09-09-2015 11:18am

RayCon wrote: »

I laughed

Twice.:)

rizzodun · 09-09-2015 11:34am

dudeeile · 09-09-2015 11:48am

BrownFinger wrote: »

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?
finding a condom in your hole!

Relevant username.

09-09-2015 6:06pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

Congrats to both couples and twins.&#55357;&#56397;&#55357;&#56397;&#55357;&#56397;

Little miss twins must have written the php code for quick posting on boards.
I only posted it once!

09-09-2015 6:07pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

Congrats to both couples and twins.&#55357;&#56397;&#55357;&#56397;&#55357;&#56397;

Little miss twins must have written the php code for quick posting on boards.
I only posted it once!

rolliepoley · 09-09-2015 7:40pm

Fred walks into the pub and orders a pint.
"Hi Fred." says the barman "By yourself tonight? Where's the wife?"
"Oh, she's gone into hospital for a procedure," replied Fred.
"What kind of procedure?" asks the barman.
"Post-mortem." said Fred.

Hagar7 · 09-09-2015 11:21pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Little miss twins must have written the php code for quick posting on boards.
I only posted it once!

It's all double Dutch tae me.:)
It's all double Dutch tae me.:)

jimmy180sx · 09-09-2015 11:25pm

How do you make an octopus laugh...you give him ten tickles.

Hagar7 · 09-09-2015 11:39pm

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony
History professor: Have you read Marx?
Psychology professor: Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs.

osarusan · 09-09-2015 11:41pm

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony
History professor: Have you read Marx?
Psychology professor: Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs.

Lon.C · 09-09-2015 11:41pm

A man is rescued from a terrible house fire and rushed to hospital. He is taken immediately to the burns ward for treatment.
As he wakes the doctor is by his bedside. "I'm sorry to tell you, you have 90% burns to your body." With this news the man groans in agony. The doctor then produces a pill and tells the man it will help with the pain. The man examines the diamond shaped pill with viagra down the middle.
"Hang on a minute, what the f*ck is this gonna do for me?"
.
.

.
"It'll keep the sheets off."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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