The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Dard23

Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
" OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "

Two zombies were walking through the woods one day when they came across a fresh dead body. The big zombie told the smaller one "you start at the feet and I will start at the head and we will eat our way towards each other." The little zombie agreed and they began to eat

About 30 minutes in the little zombie looked up and said "Man this is great. I'm having a ball!" To which the big zombie said "slow down your eating too fast."

King George VI

Not sure if it's been posted here but:

What do you call a midget fortune teller that's escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

MonkieSocks

Alcohol free larger.

Like licking your sisters fanny.





Tastes the same, just doesn't feel right!

coolhull

There's rumours Apple will announce they are bringing out a new product to help dairy farmers

That's what iHerd

Hagar7

Russian computer. ENTER PASSWORD

ME 'Beef Stew.'

Computer. Password not Stroganoff.

coolhull

Mary texts her husband Paddy on a cold winter's morning.....
''Windows frozen''
Paddy texts reply: ....
''Pour some lukewarm water on it and wipe it dry''

A few minutes later Mary texts him back..









''Computer totally fcuked now''

Hagar7

Dard23 wrote: »

Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
" OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "

I once knew a girl who told me she was hot,I threw a pail of water over her,she wasn't very happy with me.

Salvation Tambourine

Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

At the wholesalers!

Salvation Tambourine

Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

At the wholesalers!

Curly Judge

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

��Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

dinneenp

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
...because he's married

fr336

A Tallaght girl was driving down the M50 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Tracy,I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M50.
Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Tallaght girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"

Conor Bourke

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

wilhelm roentgen

dinneenp wrote: »

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
...because he's married

Stevie Wonder got a Cheese Grater for his birthday present.


He said it was the best book he's ever read!

Dard23

wilhelm roentgen wrote:

Stevie Wonder got a Cheese Grater for his birthday present.

wilhelm roentgen wrote:

He said it was the best book he's ever read!

The version I heard was funnier, he said it was the goriest book he ever read.

Hotblack Desiato

michael.dublin wrote: »

One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home.

well maybe he should have divorced her and married the girl of his dreams, his wife sounds like a wagon

Curly Judge wrote: »

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

I believe that was the late comedian George Burns, and he might have actually road-tested that

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

The man was a genius :pac:

Hagar7

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate.

Hagar7

Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is.
Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered.

Hagar7

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

Max Bygraves

Hagar7

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."

foxy farmer

A dangerous mental patient escaped from a high security hospital. He assaults a woman later that evening who is locking up her launderette. He flees but is later arrested by the cops. The local paper runs the following heading about the story
Nut who screws washer and bolts is nailed.

coolhull

Paddy goes for an interview for a job as a Council road worker.
The interviewer asks, "Do you have any allergies?"
"Just one, says Paddy. "I'm totally allergic to tea and coffee. Just can't drink them at all"
"Fair enough", says the interviewer. "To me, you look like an ex-Army man. tell me, do you have any military experience?"
"Strange you should ask that," answers Paddy. "I spent twelve years in the British Army"
" I thought so, did you see any overseas action? "
" Sure did, " said Paddy." I served n Iraq. Actually it was there that an incendiary bomb exploded, and blew off both of my testicles"
"Sorry to hear that," says the interviewer. "But anyway I think you'd be perfect for us. The job is yours"
" Great," says Paddy.
, " OK, now the crew clocks in at eight in the morning, but you needn't start till ten o'clock."
"But why is that?" asks Paddy, confused.
"Well, to be honest" says the interviewer, "the men are supposed to begin work at eight, but they usually spend the first two hours sitting around, drinking tea and scratching their balls.
So you'd be only in their way.....

Curly Judge

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

smash

^^

They're jokes?

tayto lover

Curly Judge,

I couldn't spot the differences in your 2 posts so where are they?

myshirt

What do we want?

Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

GrumpyMe

My doctor didn't seem too pushed about giving me a rectal examination for prostate cancer - he suggested I put it on the long finger...

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?








Sum Ting Wong

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Su Wong marries Lee Wong


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?








Sum Ting Wong