The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

BeerWolf

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

My boss asked me what I was doing on Sunday
"nothing" I said

then he pointed out that today wasn't Sunday

ziing

TheLastMohican

This always makes me laugh. An oldie but a good one. This is an adult joke, so if you're easily upset, don't click on it.

Monkey telling a penguin joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO9A4p1Qsvk

Vicar in a tutu

So Coronation Streets Hayley Cropper has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Funny, my money would have been on testicular.

Capt'n Midnight

TheLastMohican wrote: »

This always makes me laugh.

The title is the punchline :rolleyes:





It's a boy, it's a boy!

I think I've finally worked out the gender of Serena Williams.




A new restaurant has opened in town, it serves Chinese-German fusion.

The food tastes great, but an hour later you're hungry for ... power

donegal_man

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

A new restaurant has opened in town, it serves Chinese-German fusion.

The food tastes great, but an hour later you're hungry for ... power

That's my new business sorted. I'm calling it ................


German Mao's


*Fetches coat*

TheLastMohican

A LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS
A couple was having dinner one evening
when the husband reached across the table,
took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years,
and

there's something I have to know..
In all of these 30 years, have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied,
"Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times
during these 30 years, but always for a good reason".


Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession,
but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good
reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after
we were married and we were about to lose our little
house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went
to see the banker and the next day he notified you that
the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said,
"I can forgive you for that.
You saved our home,
but what about the second time?"

Beth asked,
"And do you remember when you were so sick,
but we didn't have the money to pay for
the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and,
if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck "And you did it to save my life,
so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said.
"So do you remember when you ran for
president of the golf club and you needed 73 more votes?

rolliepoley

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"

saintsaltynuts

Fred West's son kept getting sent home from maths class in school.The Teacher kept saying to him.."How many times have I told you.There's not thirty-two feet in the yard."

MonkeyBalls

I came in here to post the first joke. Oh well.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing,
takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah... well, we were married for 35 years."

rolliepoley

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"



"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Hagar the Nice.

Police in N.I.last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in the Shankhill Rd.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library." said Silly Billy McBilly.

Hagar the Nice.

Police in N.I.last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in the Shankhill Rd.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library." said Silly Billy McBilly.

Hagar the Nice.

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, " I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night."

After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says "You said you had and 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes!"

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. That was an estimate."

Hagar the Nice.

So, the king of England suspected his queen was cheating on him with one of his royal guards, so while she was sleeping at night, he sneaked a razorblade into her floof, the next day he left for Wales for a few months business, when he came back, he had all of his guard drop their trousers, all of them had sliced penises but one, he looked at the last one and said "congratulations, you're promoted", the guard then said, "thag gu gur maggiddy"

MissD93

a mans walking a long a beach and finds a penguin , he walks up to a police officer and asks what should he do the police man says bring him to the zoo. a few days later the police man is in town and see the man still with the penguin and says i thought i told you to bring him to the zoo. the man says i did and he loved it now we're going to go to the cinema.

Kettleson

Ok already. You have to be of a certain vintage to get this one.

When the hugely successful, chart topping singing duo Peters & Lee parted company amidst an acrimonous split, it was reported that Dianne Lee walked straight into another lucrative recording contract whilst co-singer Lennie Peters walked straight into a wall.

Hagar the Nice.

Its a good job we have Venetian blinds or it would be curtains for the lot of us.

Hagar the Nice.

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Aquagakka

A man phones Animal Welfare and tells them he has come across a fox,
standing beside a suitcase with four fox cubs in it, whilst out walking.
The officer asks him if they are moving.
"I don't know", says the man, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Hagar the Nice.

I refuse to allow my son to watch classical concerts anymore.




There is just too much sax and violins.

Hagar the Nice.

Two atoms bump into one another, the first one says, "Sorry, are you alright?"

The second one says, "I think so, but I think I lost an electron."

The first one asks, "Are you sure?"

The second one responds, "Yep. I'm positive!"

Hagar the Nice.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour. ' 'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

Priest answered : 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father..... Next please..!'

Hagar the Nice.

One day the Primary teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

BeerWolf

A man approached God and asked,

"God, how long is a million years to you?".

To which God answered,

"Like a second".

Curious, the man asked another question,

"And how much would a million pounds be worth to you?"

To which God answered,

"Like a penny".

The man thought for a moment, then asked...

"So I supposed you wouldn't mind giving me a million pounds?",

To which God answered,

"Sure, give me a sec".

rolliepoley

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"


Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Hagar the Nice.

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Paris.

"Nationality" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation"

...."No, just here for a few days"...

Hagar the Nice.

Had a bit of a row with my missus last night after she asked me...

"if I were to suggest a threesome as a special Birthday treat for you, which of my friends would you choose ?" ...



... turns out she was expecting one name from me not two !!

Hagar the Nice.

At the pool the other day I thought I'd have sneaky pee in the deep end.

The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Hagar the Nice.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

Hagar the Nice.

Its not commonly known that when Neil Armstrong went for his moonwalk he bumped into an alien with one of those aerials coming out of his dome.
The alien asked him who he was and where he came from, he told him he was fom that blue plane down there, and the alien asked where, he told him the US and the alien asked him if he knew anybody from Ireland.
He said that he did'nt but that his president Jack Kennedy's family were originally from Ireland, and the alien told him - when you got back down to that blue planet tell the Kennedy's that the Mooneys were asking for them.