Talk About Your Relationships Here

jellie

Baudelaire wrote: »

This may sound obvious but have you considered marriage? or is that just a no-no at the moment?

sounds like theyre only going out 6 months, mightnt be long enough to consider it, depends on the person i suppose.

g'em i kind of understand. my bf lives on the other side of the country, so its either 4 hr train journeys or ill occasionally fly (works out cheaper than the stupid train half the time anyway). i know how hard it is to see someone for a couple of days every 2 weeks, and occasionally even longer times & how bloody expensive it is!! im forever thinking "God this would be so much easier if he lived nearer me", "why does my bf have to on the other side of the country!?" etc its particularly hard at times like this when youre feeling frustrated & worried & youd LOVE to see him, but its just not as easy as that is he trying to get a visa for ireland or uk? would he consider ireland or is it scotland or going home? i hope he sorts something out.

g'em

Quality wrote: »

I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will happen... Hang in there, You can work something ok, Get him to reapply.. Or does sponsoring work over here?

Thanks Quality, I just hope that fate is good to us. He appealed the visa refusal and got turned down again. Next option is sponsorship either here or in the UK. The problem is getting the sponsor...

Baudelaire wrote: »

This may sound obvious but have you considered marriage? or is that just a no-no at the moment?

watna wrote: »

1) Get married. Drastic I know but if you've ever spoken about this or think you will one day you could look at doing it earlier. Now obviously I'm only advocating this if you really love him and think you'll get married anyway.

We've spoken about it at length and it's on the cards but neither of us is willing to get married without having at least lived together first. As wonderful as it would be to get swept up in a whirlwind of romance and true-love-forever sentiments, we're realistic about it. Both our sets of parents separated and we're acutely aware of how painful a process it is. So at this moment in time we don't think that's an option. In two or three months time when all over avenues are explored it may be different.

watna wrote:

2) you move to Scotland and see can he get his visa renewed there (I'm not sure from your above post whether he's trying to get sponsored there or here). In NZ (and I'm pretty sure Australia) you can get a partnership visa if you meet certain criteria. i.e. long term stable relationship, living together for a year etc. If you stay in Scotland with him for a while you could get this and go to Australia.

Aye, he's been speaking to his current boss about sponsorship. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. The question is would I be prepared to go to Scotland for the year? Before this mess happened the plan was going to be that he came here for a year or 18 months but the plan was to settle in Oz - I know he wants to bring up a family there and even though I haven't been (yet) I get the distinct feeling I'll really like it. Moving to Scotland would mean moving away from my home a lot sooner than I'd anticipated, and tbh if I was going to move I'd probably say to hell with it, if I move it might as well be a real one and feic off to Oz. But that would definitely be a last chance saloon scenario.

I guess I'm just pee'd because I have to make these kinds of decisions in the first place. And I hate being powerless over the situation

sar84 wrote: »

i know how hard it is to see someone for a couple of days every 2 weeks, and occasionally even longer times & how bloody expensive it is!! im forever thinking "God this would be so much easier if he lived nearer me", "why does my bf have to on the other side of the country!?" etc

yup! one thing's for sure, I will never take his company for granted if fate goes our way

Thanks for all the kind words guys, and for letting me rant. I'm just so frustrated right now. And... breathe...

TequilaMockingBird

Its sounds tough G'em. If it was me, I would have a quiet civil ceremony, get the paperwork, and then see how the relationship goes.

Good luck.

Crumble Froo

g'em, you poor thing! that is an absolute nightmare, my heart really does go out to you. i genuinely wake up sweating in hte middle of hte night after dreaming that i was refused an extended visa, and have to go home. we talked about maybe getting married just so we could stay together to see if our relationship had a real chance. such a ****ed up way to think about it, but we want to be together, nad that's that, we'll do it however we have to.

have you tried asking around all friends and family to see if anyone can get any sort of employment/sponsorship for him in ireland? most people know someone in a trade, you never know... i suppose ye could keep up the long distance thing a bit longer, and move the visit to oz a bit sooner. commit a year to oz, and after that, you can decide to stay or go back home, or something else. im not sure if oz is like nz, but here they are a bit more liberal on partnership visas than ireland, for example, just living together as a couple for two years entitles me to citizenship/residency (can't remember which) in nz, whereas in ireland, it would have to be marriage.

gah, i dunno, im rambling a bit, but absolute best luck to you, really really hope things work out with as little stress as possible

dr.bollocko

Wow.
All men ARE bastards!
Wow... that.... that really doesnt give me a lot to live up to.

Crumble Froo

No, You're not the first to fall apart
But always the first one to complain
You better get careful or you'll compromise everything You are

The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
I'm making a choice to be out of touch
Leave me be he said

Leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world

I've never had unpaid confidantes
It's more than I would care to explain
But I have an open door policy when it comes to blame

The world is a joke when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
I'm making a choice to be out of touch
Leave me be he said

Leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world

metaoblivia

I don't even know where to begin. I met this guy at work. Let's called him Jon. We don't work for the same company, but our companies have offices in the same building, so we met at lunch in the office building cafeteria. Jon and I had lunch together a few times a week for about two months, and then went on our first date at the end of October, a costume party. We both had a really good time. Nothing physical happened, it was just some fun. Jon texted me afterwards to say what a good time he had had and how he'd love to do it again, and I texted back with the same. And then... he told his ex girlfriend (who lives in Colorado - we live in Massachusetts) that he had met someone, and she convinced him to give their relationship one more shot.
Thus begins the weirdness.
We friended each other on facebook. About two weeks after our date, I met someone at my gym. I told Jon about him. Jon asked a million questions, "who is, what does he look like, what did he say to you, how did he ask you, where are you going?" The next day, Jon joins my gym. A few weeks later, I told Jon that I needed some space to move on. We were seeing each other every day at lunch and at the gym. He responded by dumping me as a friend on facebook. I ignored him the following day at lunch. After lunch that day, he sent me an apology note and a friend request on facebook. In my stupidity, I accepted both.
I posted pictures of the costume party we attended in October on facebook. Jon took off his tags in the photos. It wasn't until I told him that only my friends could see the photos, and not his, that he allowed me to tag him. I posted a Merry Christmas greeting on his wall. Jon responded on my wall and then deleted the post I put on his wall, which I didn't notice until I went to wish him a Happy New Year (didn't bother doing that after I saw it). I asked about it at lunch in January and he said, "Well that's just the way it is." At this point, I was really frustrated. At the gym that day, he literally followed me around for half an hour. I ignored him. The next day I sent him an email telling him that I felt it would be better for both of us if we weren't friends anymore. The weirdness was getting out of hand, and he wasn't being forth coming. Obviously he didn't want his girlfriend knowing we were friends, and if it was going to be like that, we might as well not be. I deleted him as a friend from facebook. He sent me an angry note back, and I sent him an angry note in response, and then vented on facebook to my friends in a note. That same day, Jon's coworker, whom I don't know very well, sent me a friend request on facebook. We'll call him Paul. Paul said it took him a long time to find me because he didn't know my last name. Paul started chatting with me every day in gmail chat. We never talked about Jon. A month went by. Paul sat with me at lunch one day and Jon came out to join us. We had a nice lunch. A week after that, Paul stopped talking to me on gmail chat. Later on in the week, I was having lunch with a new male coworker. Jon came out and waved at me, and then saw the guy I was sitting with. He stared at us and walked out. Paul came online that afternoon and casually asked how my lunch had been. I signed off. The next day, Jon came over to sit with me at lunch and we had a good conversation. We friended each other on facebook that afternoon. It seemed like everything was going well...
But the next day, Jon had dropped me from facebook. I sent him a message asking why. Apparently, he had gone through all of my notes until he found the one from a month ago where I vented about him (I had written a lot since then). He got mad and dropped me. I apologized. I had deleted the note the afternoon that I added him, but I guess he had gone straight for my notes once he was added. He hasn't responded as of yet. Paul was online that afternoon, wanting to know how my day was going.
If you got through all of that, thanks. I just needed to get it out. My head is spinning in so many different directions and all I want is for things to stop being weird.

Crumble Froo

agh! needs more no contact! i know ye're at work and that together, but definitley you need to not be around him as much as possible, eek!

i dont know what to say, except that... sorry, but... yeah, i dont know what to say...

takola

Crumble Froo wrote: »

agh! needs more no contact! i know ye're at work and that together, but definitley you need to not be around him as much as possible, eek!

i dont know what to say, except that... sorry, but... yeah, i dont know what to say...

Narco's right! No more contact!! That's just pure headwrecking and there's no need for it!! Just block him permanently from facebook, if he comes up to you in lunch be polite but nothing more and if he writes to ask what's going on just say you think it would be better not to be friends. Then let him vent but don't reply. You've said what needed to be said.

I'm not sure about Paul, I'm not sure what he's up to!

Nightwish

my OH comes down from Dublin every weekend to see me, but spends all day sat and sunday watching football. *grrrrrr* :mad::mad::mad:

metaoblivia

Thanks Crumble and takola. I'm really trying to make things right and at least sort out a friendship. I do feel horribly that he saw my venting note (and my friends' comments... they were very harsh as well), but there's not much I can do apart from what I've already done (take the note down and apologize). I was really hoping that this time, with the time we took apart from each other, that things would stop being weird. But we can't seem to get anything straight between us.

Crumble Froo

metaoblivia wrote: »

Thanks Crumble and takola. I'm really trying to make things right and at least sort out a friendship. I do feel horribly that he saw my venting note (and my friends' comments... they were very harsh as well), but there's not much I can do apart from what I've already done (take the note down and apologize). I was really hoping that this time, with the time we took apart from each other, that things would stop being weird. But we can't seem to get anything straight between us.

I think tbh it's just best to give it a lot of space at this stage. maybe the friendship can happen again, but not for a while. there is still way too much weirdness, and the closer ye are and the more ye see/talk to each other, the more opportunity for weirdness at this stage, i think.

little lady

I'm feeling a bit crap at the moment, my ex got back in contact with me about six weeks ago after about nine months of no contact. He had just broken up with his ex and I knew he was feeling pretty crap so when he asked me to visit him I (maybe foolishly) did. The inevitable happened but all was good, I didn't expect us to get back together or anything so that was fine. We've been in contact since and I visited him again this weekend but it was different.....and then I found out that he and his ex (who sounds like a heartless, unemotional, cold person that made him feel like crap. From his description, I've never met her, but he did post on PI about her and it was everyone elses opinion too) are trying to sort things out.

Talk about a kick in the teeth, as I said no expectations to get back with him but I know if I hung around and they did get back together that I wouln't like her for how she has made him feel and also that I would get kicked to the kerb as she wouldn't want me around and if he had to choose he would choose her. So I did the only thing that I could and told him in that I could be around. But it HURTS :-(

He introduced me to boards but dosesn't access LL although I don't really mind if he reads this. He knows how I feel.

Thanks for listening. I know it will stop hurting soon, it did before.

Oh ye, I sent him a mail explaining all this to him and I get a text back "I get your points", I don't know what i wanted but more than that...Ah well time to move on I guess

misslt

Little Lady, as you say it will hurt, but you do need to let him go. He was feeling crap and wanted sympathy - which is why he turned to you.

I think you need to just wish him luck with his ex and move on to the next guy - there'll be plenty!

I say get dolled up and go out on the town and find the next candidate!

Hugs though..

metaoblivia

Just an update on my situation:
I saw Jon at lunch today. I went over and asked if he minded if I sat down, and said he didn't mind at all. So I sat down and looked him in the eye and apologized, and he said that he just wasn't used to this kind of thing, and it would still take him a few days to get over it, but that he really appreciated that I apologized and thanked me for it.
Eventually more of his coworkers joined us, and we ended up having a nice lunch. So it looks like things are on their way to being sorted out, hopefully for the final time.

jellie

Nightwish wrote: »

my OH comes down from Dublin every weekend to see me, but spends all day sat and sunday watching football. *grrrrrr* :mad::mad::mad:

ugh i know THAT feeling. tv & xbox are my enemies :mad: & then they wonder why you get annoyed.. hmm well maybe cause you havent seen me for 2 weeks but the xbox is more interesting..

that hasnt happened for awhile but you reminded me of how p*ssed off i get when it does :mad:

Frelance

Wicknight wrote: »

Guys have this funny thing where even after we are broken up, even after we are moved on and are with someone else, we still like to think that all the people we used to go out with are hung up about us. Its a confidence thing.

We like to think that even if someone is with someone else that someone else, who ever they are, are not as good as we were. We like to think that we are the "best boyfriend you ever had" and we also like to think that you think this about us.

Its one of the reasons why guys get so upset not when they find out a ex is seeing someone else, but when we find out that an ex is sleeping with that someone else. We dread the idea that the new boyfriend is better in bed than us, as we lose this sense that at the very least gave you something no other man could (note this has nothing to do with reality. You might have slept with tons of guys better than us before you even met us. But we convince ourselves that isn't true to start with, and then like to hold on to the idea that no one after us will be any good either).

You just described me. im that guy

takola

metaoblivia wrote: »

Just an update on my situation:
I saw Jon at lunch today. I went over and asked if he minded if I sat down, and said he didn't mind at all. So I sat down and looked him in the eye and apologized, and he said that he just wasn't used to this kind of thing, and it would still take him a few days to get over it, but that he really appreciated that I apologized and thanked me for it.
Eventually more of his coworkers joined us, and we ended up having a nice lunch. So it looks like things are on their way to being sorted out, hopefully for the final time.

Ok, So I had to go back to your original post because I thought I'd read it all wrong the first time. Turns out I didn't!! Why are you apologising to this guy? Fair enough the was a couple of venting notes on facebook. I get that. Poor him.

But from what I read in your post, He's been playing little mind games with you for weeks. You two had an argument after weeks of dancing around each other and trying to figure out what was going on in each others heads. Then you vented your frustration to your friends on facebook which would be normal and I'm sure he mentioned you to a couple of his at some point too. Then after a couple of weeks you befriend each other again and the first thing you do is remove those notes but he's already gone through them to find that one and has dumped you as a friend again! You haven't done anything wrong at all imo. Why should you apologise?

I don't get it! The whole, him saying "he just wasn't used to this kind of thing, and it would still take him a few days to get over it, but that he really appreciated that I apologized and thanked me for it", to me is just complete bull. What's to get over in fairness? You had an argument and you vented to some of your friends. Anyone would see that you were mad at the time and would take into consideration that you say things you don't mean when you're angry. He can't not be used to it because even the most agreeable person in the world (Ruu ) has arguments with people sometimes!!

Personally, I think he owes you an apology for being a complete dick!

I'm not saying you should delete him from facebook or anything. I'm glad you've sorted it for your piece of mind. I know it can be headwrecking when you're in a situation like that. But what I would say is if it all starts up again and yous end up having another argument for some reason just leave it. Its not worth the hassle! You don't want to end up getting into a pattern of falling out every couple of weeks because he's throwing a tantrum!

Hopefully it won't come to that though!!

Wibbs

sar84 wrote: »

ugh i know THAT feeling. tv & xbox are my enemies :mad: & then they wonder why you get annoyed.. hmm well maybe cause you havent seen me for 2 weeks but the xbox is more interesting..

that hasnt happened for awhile but you reminded me of how p*ssed off i get when it does :mad:

Never could see the attraction myself. Haven't seen my GF naked for 2 weeks versus xbox. Hmmmmmm, that's a real hard decision to make. I had an ex that when we didn't see each other for a while always had some distraction going on. She got chucked soon enough. In retrospect it was partly my fault too. I just wasn't interesting her enough or being clear this was irritating me. Of course when she did get the heave ho, her interest level went up again. Sods law.

metaoblivia I agree with takola. Stop apologising and making excuses for your ex. Women do this a lot. I've seen women friends of mine apologising for their exes behaviour and all too often their current boyfriends too. I could never figure that. They'll take crap from them that they wouldn't take from anyone else. A self esteem thing? Or is it that they have made a decision to be with a guy and don't want to admit it may be a mistake, until the straw that breaks the camels back point is reached. At which point of course my gender usually wonders what happened.:) Also don't try to be friends. It won't work. Certainly not at the moment and probably not in the future. Politeness is all you should aim for.

little lady same thing. Your ex is taking the píss in a big way and no mistake. He knows you're a safety net if his new woman drops him. Even if she is a cold hearted cow, he clearly wants that or he wouldn't have dumped you in the first place and wouldn't have tried to work it out with her again. You keep walking and don't look back.

g'em. Hard one. I've been in a long distance thing myself. I knew a mate's brother in a similar situation. They basically couldn't be together for at least two years. They got through it though and they only saw each other 3 or 4 times in those two years. They're together ten years on. They had one advantage though, they were together for 8 months before the separation. They had passed a lot of the heady early romance by and were in the long term mode. I've seen couples who have really loved each other go through real hardship and still stick with it. It's doable and those are the types who won't divorce. I do think the suggestion of marriage is a bad plan though. Too early and for the wrong reason. sueme's idea that a civil ceremony and see how the relationship works out made me go :eek:X1000000. Cart before the horse aint in it.

little lady

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm better off without him but it's still driving me NUTS that he is going to be spending tomorrow evening with her :mad:

What is it with men? Why do they like to be treated like ****, my ex actually admitted that I'm probably the only sane person he has dated, what's with that, why would you want to spend your time with someone who makes you feel crap about yourself and who wants to change your appearance.

My ex gives the best advise to people and I know if he could see this from the outside he would tell the person to stay away that she is bad news. He says she has changed (in the last six weeks :rolleyes:). I do know that people can change but I just don't think you can change that quickly.

They say love is blind but I think in this case it's deaf and dumb as well.

SW81

little lady wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm better off without him but it's still driving me NUTS that he is going to be spending tomorrow evening with her :mad:

What is it with men? Why do they like to be treated like ****, my ex actually admitted that I'm probably the only sane person he has dated, what's with that, why would you want to spend your time with someone who makes you feel crap about yourself and who wants to change your appearance.

My ex gives the best advise to people and I know if he could see this from the outside he would tell the person to stay away that she is bad news. He says she has changed (in the last six weeks :rolleyes:). I do know that people can change but I just don't think you can change that quickly.

They say love is blind but I think in this case it's deaf and dumb as well.

Time for you to move on fully from him Littlelady and let him go. Don't think about him, it's his problem if he wants to go back to someone who treats him like that, not yours. You can and will do better.

Wibbs

little lady wrote: »

What is it with (wo)men? Why do they like to be treated like ****,

Fixed that line for ya. The amount of women I know that like to be treated like crap or at best tolerated for being silly little girls is more than the amount of men I know(past a certain age/maturity)

my ex actually admitted that I'm probably the only sane person he has dated, what's with that, why would you want to spend your time with someone who makes you feel crap about yourself and who wants to change your appearance.

Honestly? Unless they're the not so uncommon type that likes to be put upon, the sad reality is they fancy those people. They could be nice, they could be not so nice, but the itch in the pants is what keeps them there. I know I have gone from women who were nicer and better for me an all that to complete wagons, basically because I got the horn for the wagons in those cases. I've felt it for the nice ones too, but that's what it boils down too.

My ex gives the best advise to people and I know if he could see this from the outside he would tell the person to stay away that she is bad news.

Been there.

He says she has changed (in the last six weeks :rolleyes:). I do know that people can change but I just don't think you can change that quickly.

They don't at least not long term. Again it's just him making excuses for being into her.

They say love is blind but I think in this case it's deaf and dumb as well.

I've felt this way about exes too. I thought, "why would they leave me" I'm so much better than that sap". Sometimes that was true, sometimes it wasn't. What it boiled down to was the uncomfortable truth that they just fancied them more than me, or at least enough to go with them and not me*. Realise that and it'll help you move on.
*
In the cases where I got the ex back, it was when I upped my game and then she fancied me more than the other bloke. Simple as pretty much

little lady

Wibbs wrote: »

Honestly? [/SIZE]

Yes Honestly. I'm not saying by any means that I or our relationship was perfect and when we broke up it was very amicable and we both agreed on the the reasons to breakup. Obviously there is an element of jealously but also I'm just finding it hard to understand why he would want to put himself back in a situation where he could be hurt again. I honestly hope that she doesn't but I truely believe that she will.

As SW81 says it's time to move on and forget about him and I will. I was doing fine until he made contact with me again, it's just brought all my feelings to the surface again. I do know myself that in a few weeks I will be fine. I suppose I just needed somewhere to vent as I know if I talk to my friends I'll get the "I told you so" line!!

I really apprecaiate you all taking the time to read and reply, I wasn't actually expecting replies.

Wibbs

little lady wrote: »

Yes Honestly. I'm not saying by any means that I or our relationship was perfect and when we broke up it was very amicable and we both agreed on the the reasons to breakup. Obviously there is an element of jealously but also I'm just finding it hard to understand why he would want to put himself back in a situation where he could be hurt again. I honestly hope that she doesn't but I truely believe that she will.

Nope I meant the "honestly" in a rhetorical kinda way(I think). I was just saying that he's with her regardless of how much of a bitch you, his/your friends or even he may think she is, he's with her because he fancies her more than he fancies you. That may be physical or emtionally or whatever, but that's what it boils down to. She could end up treating him like crap but so long as he has the hots for her he'll keep going back.

little lady

Wibbs wrote: »

Nope I meant the "honestly" in a rhetorical kinda way(I think). I was just saying that he's with her regardless of how much of a bitch you, his/your friends or even he may think she is, he's with her because he fancies her more than he fancies you. That may be physical or emtionally or whatever, but that's what it boils down to. She could end up treating him like crap but so long as he has the hots for her he'll keep going back.

This is very true, I can't compete with perfection!!!:rolleyes:

John Mason

you were just a rebound shag, he knew he could have you so he did. he loves this girl and not you. move on

takola

Harsh. I've had to say similar to one of the my friends recently. He's gutted and now not talking to me.

You get sick of people going over the same thing again and again and I've listened for weeks but it comes back to the same thing and I got sick of the pity party.

Have to agree. Time to move on Little Lady

Wibbs

little lady wrote: »

This is very true, I can't compete with perfection!!!:rolleyes:

That's the thing, it doesn't mean they're better looking or anything. I had an ex that went off with a guy that was shorter, blander and with less money. Now I'm no oil painting, not by a long shot, but this bloke wasn't even a finger painting(his friends were shocked). She just, for whatever reason got the horn for this guy. nothing more nothing less.

Riann

*Murphy* wrote: »

the funniest thing was, his wife was having her baby the same time my mam was, and my step dad bumped into him (i didnt tell my parents any of this) and ended up askin him 20 questions and gave him a right talkin too. the doc told him that his baby was born and my dad jus goes 'you will sit and tell me excatly everything that happend before you go anywhere' and he did. i was sittin there the whole time watchin him squirm and stutter tryin to get everything out. better then any apology.

That is absolutely grand. I wish my mother could do that with my ex, she was quite a bit more angry with him when we broke up than I was.

Riann

My ex was just a bit of a baby, really, who couldn't figure out what he wanted. It was a long-distance relationship, which obviously puts strain on the relationship regardless, but it didn't bother me too much. However, I had said that I did not want to get involved and invest emotion in something that wouldn't work out in the end. He made me believe that he had full confidence that it could work, so I let my guard down and honestly fell in love. Without warning one morning, he said he wanted to end it. There was no reason behind it, other than the fact that he had changed his mind and was tired of the distance. I asked him to at least call me so I could get a bit more closure than just an email, but he wouldn't.