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One-Liner Jokes

1…7677798182…118

Comments

  • #3902
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,231 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I found some old sex cheques my wife had once given me for my birthday, so I tried to cash them in, but unfortunately nowadays it's all contactless.


  • #3903
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Ever tried to eat a clock ?

    Its time consuming! , and even moreso if you go for seconds …….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3904
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,550 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Think we had that one a few pages back.

    Now it really is a second hand joke.... :D:D:D:D


  • #3905
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I got a job making pieces for chess boards.
    It is shift work though, and im on Knights ….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3906
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,888 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    Think we had that one a few pages back.

    Now it really is a second hand joke.... :D:D:D:D
    The second hand is the minute hand,
    the third hand is the second hand.
    So it's really a third hand joke!


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  • #3907
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Is it one or two?................... One..... or two?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3908
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A friend bought a De Lorean next week. Not as his main car, he's just going to drive it from time to time.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3909
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,149 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Juan.


  • #3910
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,231 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My Brother always said ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, and it was true, because he died from taking steroids.


  • #3911
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My friend told me he failed his Aboriginal music exam last month.

    "Did you redo it?" I asked..

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3912
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,085 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Two little known facts about Yul Brynner. Number one, he was a big supporter of Liverpool football club. Number two he didn't like aftershave or similar products.


    That's right, Yul never wore cologne.


  • #3913
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two flies in a kitchen which ones the cowboy?

    The one on the range

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3914
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just picked up a Dalek hitch hiking.
    Asked him where he wanted to go, he said....Exeter m8

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3915
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As Bernie Ecclestone becomes a dad at the age of 89, experts ponder if he used a hard compound to achieve pole position...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3916
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A virologist and epidemiologist and a scientist walked into a bar.

    (No of course they didn't!)

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3917
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sad news. My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday...

    He was caught in a trap.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3918
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .

    Going for a spin later .

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3919
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Will glass coffins become popular?

    Remains to be seen ………………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3920
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,231 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I've been working hard to reach my target of taking 10,000 steps a day, and now I'm banned from B and Q.


  • #3921
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Kermits house was raided by the police and they found hundreds of pictures of Miss Piggy in the nude

    They think it is frogs porn

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3922
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,231 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    People have criticised me for making jokes about allergies, but I think they're just overly sensitive.


  • #3923
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I bet nobody who went for a job interview in 2015 got the answer right when they were asked "Where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3924
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I did learn the other day how the Norwegian navy has taken painting barcodes on the side of their Hulls.
    That is apparently so then they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3925
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just been out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

    So far, it's been Sixteen Owls and Fourteen Jay's.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3926
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I called the doctor. "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"

    "Is this her first child?" he asked.

    "No, this is her husband!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3927
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just got a new job as a waiter, money isn’t that great but it’s putting food on the table

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3928
    The Mulk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭The Mulk


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Just got a new job as a waiter, money isn’t that great but it’s putting food on the table

    My Mam and Dad were midgets, they struggled to put food on the table.


  • #3929
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

    Kicked out of the petting zoo

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3930
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Just got word that I lost my court case against a fabric softener.

    I fought Lenor and Lenor won


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  • #3931
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My kleptomania is so bad I have to take something for it ….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3932
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,550 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Birthdays are good for your health. The more of them you have, the longer you'll live.


  • #3933
    blueskys
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166 ✭✭blueskys


    There's only 2 or 3 motown bands i really like...well maybe 4 tops.


  • #3934
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,103 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    blueskys wrote: »
    There's only 2 or 3 motown bands i really like...well maybe 4 tops.

    I ordered a diana ross special pizza from 4 Star last nights, and all that was delivered was a thin and crusty supreme.


  • #3935
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    W H Smiths are doing a third off selected titles.

    I've just bought The Two Musketeers

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3936
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Anyone want any old copies of Chiropractors Monthly?

    I have a load of back issues

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3937
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I asked a German if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3938
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3939
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My good mate Bob just told me he’s been brought back from furlough and is returning to work at the local sewage plant.

    He said he’s looking forward to seeing all the old faeces again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3940
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to my wife that I was sick of that guy from next door saying the he had bedded every women in this street apart from one.

    “Oh!” She replied, “That will be that stuck up cow from no. 7”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3941
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,103 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Rang a takeaway and asked ‘do you deliver’. They replied no but we do lamb, chicken and fish’.


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  • #3942
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,629 ✭✭✭TheBody


    For all you people who can't stand musical puns:

    You have my symphony.


  • #3943
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Im baking bread every day this week..

    Roll on Friday ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3944
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in the sweet shop yesterday.

    I said to the assistant, "Do you do Twix?"

    He said, "Well, I'm quite weasonable on a twampoline."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3945
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    One way or another, im going to have to stop with my Blondie obsession ...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3946
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Great news!! I’ve finally sold all my glove puppets.

    A collector phoned and offered me €300 to take them off my hands..

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3947
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I find it hilarious that Monkey Socks posted that. ^^^


  • #3948
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
    But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


  • #3949
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is steamroller operator.


  • #3950
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My roommate says our house is haunted. I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed anything.


  • #3951
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,032 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    We cannot allow this year to end, that would be admitting that 2021.


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