One-Liner Jokes

psychward

AnamGlas wrote: »

What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

What's brown and sits on a piano bench ?

Beethoven's First Movement

Capt'n Midnight

What's the brown thing in front of Beethoven's piano ?

Beethoven's piano stool.

What's the brown thing on Beethoven's piano ?

Beethoven's stool.

EdgarAllenPoo

Herodotus said "Call no man happy until he is dead."Walt Disney said "**** that, he's my dwarf and I'll call him whatever the hell I want."

Bootup

"Balls!" said the queen. "If I had them, I'd be king!"


The noun and verb were dating, but broke up because the noun was too possessive.

Basq

Pancake Day already? It's really crêped up on me this year!

Bootup

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up And dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Bootup

Why did the cannibal have a hangover?
He went to a party and got stewed!




Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!




Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into!

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.


Men are like Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest


The price of hearing aids has gone up. Mutes across the country are asking "How much?"


A cook got his hand caught in a dishwasher - and they were both fired.

For Paws

When I used to tell people that I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
WELL THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING NOW.

For Paws

Crime in Multi-storey carparks - It's wrong on so many levels.

I've just got back from a Once-in-a-Lifetime Holiday.
I'll tell you what though - Never again !

CarrickMcJoe

What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?

A Seatbelt

BaZmO*

I had braces when I was younger, for two years the only thing that was attracted to me was fridge magnets.


My aunt got struck by lightning on a golf course.
Somewhere between the first and second hole.


Myself and Fred were talking about sex the other day and he was saying that it's nothing to write home about. Which is a pity, because his parents really miss those letters.


And the Lord said to Moses, "Come forth and you shall inherit the Earth"
He came fifth and won a toaster!

EdgarAllenPoo

I got banned from Ebay today. Apparently, a brick on a string can not be sold as "Penis Enlargement Solution""

EdgarAllenPoo

I'm not trying to impress anybody here but I can wink with both eyes at the same time.

Bootup

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.





Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Bootup

Computer geeks will not be competing in this year's summer Olympics in London, as the Olympic committee refused to add a floppy discuss competition.









Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.







At dinner yesterday, I tried to cut myself a slice of prime rib, but it was only divisible by itself and one.



Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bootup

Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: What's the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.

Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

Bootup

Adam and Eve the first bookkeepers. They invented the loose-leaf system.


A preacher rehearsed his sermon over and over. In other words, he practiced what he preached


I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.


A ham and cheese sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said, "We can't serve you here. We're Kosher."


Qwertyus, god of keyboards, is a character from geek mythology.


Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.


If Guinevere gave Lancelot, I wonder how much Galahad.


Life is like a dick -- simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free. It's the women who make it hard!


"Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"
"You should be able to get a couple of bucks out of it."


I knew this woman who wanted to marry a ghost. I'd like to know what possessed her.


Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Bootup

Q. Did ya hear about the new 'time-release' Viagra ?
A. Ya take it at night, and it gets ya up in the morning.



Q. Why are cowgirls bowlegged ?
A. Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.




Q. What's the definition of oral sex ?
A. The taste of things to come.

Q: Why did the atom cross the road?
A: Because it was time to split!


Q: What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route?
A: R2 Detour.


Q: How did the scientist invent bug spray?
A: Well, she started from scratch…


Q: What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?
A: She though it was a blast!


Q: How do you get an astronaut’s baby to fall asleep?
A: Rocket.


Q: How did the astronaut feel when he ran into the alien with six lasers for arms?
A: Stunned.

Bootup

PUNS

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bootup

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner. Once she stops sucking, change the fu**in' bag.


A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he said he could stop any time.


A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"


I saw a female deer in my rear-vision mirror. It was case of hind-sight.


The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?




Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?




If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?




When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?




If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Bootup

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians or Jamaicans is not the correct answer either.



You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.



Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."


The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said that we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

Bootup

The difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub is the woman in church is getting hope in her soul.

At a wedding in a nudist camp, everyone knows who is the best man.

A nurse received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: If the girl has to chew, before she swallows

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A: He was half nuts!!!

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Bootup

Mine Shaft: What a German calls his dick.


Q: Why are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken and the rest are disabled!


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.The husband replies,'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

CarrickMcJoe

Went to B & Q in Dublin earlier. Guy at the door said "Do ya want decking"?.
Thank God I got him first!:P

Bootup

Brutus: "How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?" Caesar: "Et tu, Brutus."


Q: Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?A: Palm Sunday.



The new athletic shoe for lesbians are called "Dykees" They come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger!



I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I came varicose.

EdgarAllenPoo

Mothers day must be a very confusing day for kids in thailand.

Bootup

What is the difference between a pigmy villageand a women’s track team? A pigmy village is a cunning bunch of runts.



When some cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.




My Gay Dyslexic friend can't wait for the 14th of February,He think's it's Vaseline day.



My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off....

tossy

EdgarAllenPoo wrote: »

Mothers day must be a very confusing day for kids in thailand.

Not as confusing as fathers day for kids in Ballyer

Bootup

Women don't like basketball players as lovers because they always dribble before they shoot.




The difference between a man and a condom is condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.




My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.

Bootup

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours,believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.