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One-Liner Jokes

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    #2372
    cazzzzz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 142 ✭✭cazzzzz


    I failed Maths so many times I can't even count


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    #2373
    psychward
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,187 ✭✭✭psychward


    cazzzzz wrote: »
    I failed Maths so many times I can't even count

    Calculus ? I had one of those once but the wheels fell off


    I'll get my coat :D


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    #2374
    Peejesius
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭Peejesius


    What did the bus driver say to the man with no legs?

    How are you getting on?


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    #2375
    Lallz
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Lallz


    Why wouldnt the crab share?
    he was shellfish!.

    why was 6 afraid of 7?
    cos 7 8 9!

    What did the big phone say to the little phone?
    I'm engaged!

    What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
    Your too young to smoke!

    What's an arts students favourite phrase?
    D'you want fries with that??:D


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    #2376
    Trampas
    Registered Users Posts: 7,448 ✭✭✭Trampas


    poor bob holness
    no sooner is he through the pearly gates and amy winehouse is asking for an `e`


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    #2377
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I bought a dog whistle, but it's bull****.Whenever I put it in his mouth, he just starts dribbling.


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    #2378
    keltoms05
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭keltoms05


    Relationships are like fat people - most of them don't work out


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    #2379
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I saw two blind men fighting the other day. You should have seen them run when I said my moneys on the one with the knife.


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    #2380
    Trampas
    Registered Users Posts: 7,448 ✭✭✭Trampas


    jamie oliver can feed a family of 4 for a fiver at sainsburys

    anthony worrall thompson can do the same for fook all at tescos


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    #2381
    purehoor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭purehoor


    whats the difference between a cow and a tragedy?
    a scouser wouldnt know how to milk a cow


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    #2382
    Sonics2k
    Registered Users Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭Sonics2k


    I bet some girls would fart as much as guys if they shut up long enough to build up pressure.


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    #2383
    hiscan
    Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭hiscan


    Not seen scousers this excited over one leg since Paul McCartney married Heather Mills.......


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    #2384
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,070 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Original sin.

    Nothing to do with the apple on the tree...........it was the pair on the ground!

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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    #2385
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Northside Woman was admitted to hospital after havin phone sex.

    Doctors removed 2 nokias 3 motorolas and a samsung.

    No siemen was found..

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2386
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone. Turns out I had it on airplane mode.


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    #2387
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    Statistics say one in twenty of us live next to a paedophile. Not me - I live next door to a stunning fourteen year old !


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    #2388
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have just entered the Cruise Ship Lottery for a chance to go on a 2 week cruise.




    Last weeks was a rollover

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2389
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Glaswegians in the Bar.

    They told the divers to Fook off they were all inclusive
    __________________________________________

    Apparently, Lionel Ritchie has cancelled all of his acts on cruise liners...

    Dancing on the ceiling doesn't have the same appeal anymore
    __________________________________________

    A man phones an Airfix model shop and asks,

    "Do you have a model of an Italian Cruise Liner?”

    The shop owner replies “yes we have just one left"

    The man says "Can you put it on one side for me?”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2390
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to swear me in.


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    #2391
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just been to the barbers and asked for a Liverpool FC.

    A mess at the back, nothing on the sides and fook all up front.... he charged me £130 million

    ____________________________________

    Why does Harry Redknapp use a staple gun to lay his carpet..?

    He likes to avoid the tacks..!!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #2392
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,567 ✭✭✭patmac


    Kenny Dalglish has rubbished rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. KD said: "We have shown him the goal for months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so its a complete waste of time showing him the door".


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    #2393
    MitchKoobski
    Registered Users Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭MitchKoobski


    Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered sex offender.


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    #2394
    ZENER
    Registered Users Posts: 6,163 ✭✭✭ZENER


    . . . I don't get it . . .


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    #2395
    chucknorris
    Registered Users Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭chucknorris


    My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

    Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.


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    #2396
    marcsignal
    Registered Users Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    my missus told me that her gynecologist said she couldn't have sex for three weeks, so I asked her what the dentist said :pac:


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    #2397
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,070 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    de Hea, the Man.United goalkeeper is just like Dracula he hates crosses.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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    #2398
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I've learnt morse code recently, so I can tell the annoying woodpecker outside my house to f**k off.


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    #2399
    icjzfmq7ewon1t
    Closed Accounts Posts: 336 ✭✭icjzfmq7ewon1t


    Liverpool FC have announced a new sponsership deal with fairy liquid due to their amazing ability to remove scum from cups


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    #2400
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I am thinking of opening a new religious gym in town called.....Jehovahs fitness.


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    #2401
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    I'm really jealous that my dog can lick it's own balls. I wish I could do that. But he growls everytime I try.


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