One-Liner Jokes

GiftofGab

Cork boy 55 wrote: »

Why are their no gays in poland?

This is a thread for jokes not questions

Cork boy 55

GiftofGab wrote: »

This is a thread for jokes not questions

Answer

Like poles rebel and unlike poles attract.

rusty_racer94

I was shocked to see our respected local policeman selling Pirate DVD's today. He kept repeatedly saying 'DVD, DVD, DVD, any pirate DVD, 3 for a fiver'.
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Pirates of the Caribbean, Hook, and treasure island are great films! bargain.

abouttobebanned

How does Batman's mother call him for tea?

She doesn't, she was murdered.

gandhi123

What do you call a fat laptop???

.......... Adele

plasteritup

what do you call a russian with three testicles?






ujaynik abolokov

BaZmO*

Ryan Giggs say’s he does Miss Wales now & then


A Jehovah's Witness (who’s also an Atheist) knocked on my door for no apparent reason


Man in hospital with Hoover stuck up his bum - Doctors say he’s picking up nicely


Hate it when ur fingers go thru the toilet paper. Apart from that I like my job @ the nursing home


My neighbour keeps racing pigeons...but they always win


Just replaced the water in my fish tank with Lilt. Looks really tropical now


I had some of that Oasis soup - You get a roll with it


What is the capital of Greece - About £3.20


Got a lift home from work today - Going to put it on E-bay later


Said 2 pharmacist I need some condoms. She said, Just a minute? I said Yes, they’re the ones


My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex. Think they misunderstood when I said ‘I wanna watch’


Took my dog 2 the park, played Frisbee with him – Waste of time - I think I need a flatter dog


When I die - I’d like to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume


Mates been thrown out of nudist camp 4 not jumping high enough during leapfrog

Bobby Baccala

If you were any more inbread you'd be in a sandwich

jaykay74

I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"He said, "Erm..."

Ash.J.Williams

gandhi123 wrote: »

What do you call a fat laptop???

.......... Adele

best joke on this entire thread

MonkieSocks

I just said to my dyslexic mate "Guess which band split up this week"



He replied "ERM"

Capt'n Midnight

I've been doing a study on spontaneous combustion in insects and I would never have believed how common the phenomenon is in ants until I began to study them under a magnifying glass.

Capt'n Midnight

A newly wed bloke came home from work and found his wife in tears. She said, "I made you a lovely steak pie for dinner but the dog ate it."

The bloke replies, "Don't worry darling, I'll get you a new dog tomorrow."

jenny18

whats a blondes version of safe sex? locking the car doors
why do blondes wear underwear? to keep there ankles warm
why do blondes wear hoop earrings? so they have somewhere to rest there ankles
if any blondes were affected by the making of these jokes. complain to your hairdresser

pagorey

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry


Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy


Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!


Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns


Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep ****.


Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies


Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.


Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to **** ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them


Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.


Q: How do they say "**** you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me


Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.


Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese


Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.


Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.


Q: What does D.A.M stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.


Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.


Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

YumDeiseMum

A snail walks into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

YumDeiseMum

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!".

Grolschevik

How does the Karate Kid relieve stress?

Wax on, whacks off...

puddinboxxx

knock knock...who's there...Dave...Dave who....Dave holds back the tears as his mothers alzheimers gets worse

MonkeyKing

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.

Somebody is going to be wrong.

chucknorris

When it comes to sex there is only 1 thing i don't get














Consent

patmac

I'm in A+E after swallowing Lego. They don't seem worried . . . . but I'm ****ting bricks

rusty_racer94

I applied for a job at a mirror shop.

I can really see myself working there.

Capt'n Midnight

I met a Rwandan guy who told me he was getting married the other day.

"Who to?" I asked.

"No, she's Tutsi."

rusty_racer94

I've had a new timing belt fitted to my car.

The engine isn't any better but the jokes certainly are.

shannie

TUTS wrote: »

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.




Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the Knackers to the dump.

LMAO :L

shawnee

rusty_racer94 wrote: »

I've had a new timing belt fitted to my car.

The engine isn't any better but the jokes certainly are.

Am I missing something here ?

Seosaimh77

shawnee wrote: »

Am I missing something here ?

Good jokes requires good timing*. New timing belt has improved car's ability to tell jokes, but not the engine.



*It also helps if they are funny too

MonkieSocks

A Plane has hit a Ferris wheel,



The Police say the Pilot is slowly coming around.

iPaddyM

My mate married a chinese millionare today...... Cha Ching